When I was young, I remember watching an episode of the television program In Search Of. If you do not remember this program, or are unfamiliar with it, it was an interesting show hosted by Leonard Nimoy where each episode would delve into some sort of mystery or unexplained phenomena. In one episode in particular I remember they were speaking of the Mayan Indians and their calendar that ends abruptly in 2012. They spoke of these people and of their society, and how even though they lived thousands of years ago, many of the things they built and the creations of their society still stand and last today. At some point in the episode, the concept of eternity was brought up. To be honest, I have no idea the specifics of how or why it became a part of the discussion during the program. It has been so long since I actually saw the episode, I cannot remember the specific details. What I do remember was that the episode, and specifically the concept of eternity, has stuck with me ever since, as did the feelings from watching it. And the feelings I took away were nothing more than sheer terror. The thought of eternity scared the daylights out of me.

Now, I need to make sure I clarify that this is a fear of eternity and not death. I think many people confuse the two, and begin to have a fear of death when in reality they fear eternity. I have never, that I can remember, been afraid of death and dying. I am sure when I was younger, and those memories are quite fuzzy as well, like most small children I was afraid of death. Most bedtime rhymes and prayers will instill that fear, with cradles falling and laying down to sleep and praying for God to take your soul if something should happen in your slumber. But that is also, like for most children, nothing more than the fear of the unknown. Once I began to know about death, perhaps not understand it fully or the implications of such, but to know about what it meant, the fear dissipated a bit. Not completely, because when you finally begin to understand death, then we worry that it will happen to us before we have ever done anything of import. But as I have grown older, that fear left me as well and I accepted it as a part of life. When you lose those around you, you become more accepting of the idea that one day your time will come as well.

Eventually, most of us begin to accept the fact that our lives in this plane of existence will at some point come to an end. Whether or not they continue in another plane is a matter of much debate, and depends greatly upon what you believe. That, however, is not a point I would like to tackle today. Perhaps another day, since it is an interesting topic, but not today. But, it is important to know that I do believe in a higher power, and I do believe in an afterlife as well that rewards or punishes you depending upon the life you lead here on Earth. Perhaps this is outmoded thinking, or perhaps I am wrong, I do not know, and more importantly, neither does anyone else. It is all a guessing game with scant evidence to back up either those who believe in another plane of existence or those who believe this is it and nothing more follows, and anyone could be right or wrong with their beliefs and thoughts. Personally, despite no physical evidence of anything more than this life, I believe in a higher power, and an afterlife that can be a paradise. In my own life, I have seen too many things to this point for me to ever question that there is some power greater than us that not only created everything, but helps guide us each day. Some may think I am foolish, others may feel the same way as I, and it does not matter too much either way. Belief in something greater is a personal thing, and while you may not agree with my outlook, I only ask that you respect it. Now, before I actually begin a discussion of the existence of God, Satan, Heaven and Hell, let me get back on topic.

The part of eternity that scared me was not the concept of paradise or hell. I do not have a fear of hell itself. I know that statement itself comes across as incredibly arrogant, but it is not meant that way. I personally try to live a good life, and feel that for the most part I succeed. I work hard to live by the golden rule of treating others as I would like them to treat me. Yes, with some people this is much harder done than said, but usually it comes back to me in many positive ways. And I do my best to be as good of a person that I can to all of those who share a part in my life, no matter how significant. I do not always succeed, and at times this lack of success sticks with me for a long time if I feel I could have done more, or better, or been a better person overall. But I use this feeling to be better the next time, learning from my mistakes and growing as a person.

Now, like most people I have made my mistakes in the past, and I am sure I will make more than a few in the future. Knowing me and my way of fumbling and bumbling through life, I will probably do something stupid before the end of the year. I am human, and we are intrinsically flawed creatures. Perhaps it is in our make up, perhaps it is just our ability to think provides us with too much power and control over life, or maybe it is our inability to overcome our baser instincts that leads us down the wrong paths. I think our flaws our rooted more in the latter. We give in to our desires, be they jealousy, rage, lust, envy or many of the other base emotions we feel in our daily lives. As humans we tend to fall into traps we create for ourselves and find ourselves doing things we know deep down are wrong. But I feel that our ability to be good people is not based solely on how good we are, but also how we right ourselves after going down the wrong paths. Some people lead exemplary lives, some lead horrible ones, and most try to lead good lives, but find ourselves tempted by the wrong things, be them money, power, sex, dangerous stimulants or one of a million other temptations. Our capability to live good lives comes from our ability to not only overcome these temptations, but to correct our paths after succumbing to them.

Many people live their lives like this for the reward of something better in the after life. This is not a bad way to live, and I would hate to discourage anyone from this path. But for me it feels hollow. It feels to me as though you are only doing the work for the reward, when the work should be the reward itself. It should be that you want to live a good life, you want to treat others well, you want to be a good person and do the right things by yourself and others. However, in our world, I suppose I will take what I can get. Even if the good is done by some who are only being bribed by a reward. But considering we live in a world where even the bastions of good have enough corruption and evil behind them to fuel a ring of hell themselves, any good that is done in this world should be applauded, even if it is only done under the pretense of a bribe.

Despite my, and forgive my, potential arrogance, I reiterate that it is not the thought of paradise nor hell that scared me. The part of eternity that scared me was the idea of it never ending. The idea of something that goes on infinitum frightened me. For a long time, I had no idea why, either. In some ways, I am still not sure why the concept scared me. Perhaps part of the reason is based in our society. We have created our world with things beginning and ending. From our own lives, which has a definite beginning and end, our world, our society and our lives are shaped and defined by distinct parameters with a beginning and an end. Our childhoods, schooling, careers, relationships, friendships, material goods, vacations, experiences, and anything else you can think of all have beginnings and endings. With this as a central part of our lives from birth, it is easy to see how the concept of something never ending being very frightening. The idea of no distinct ending, of something not completing and just going on and on would turn my stomach upside down and send a wave of fear through me. I could not explain it, and still cannot without some difficulty. Just the very idea was terrifying to me, and not in a concept of eternal damnation, even thinking about eternity it in the positive light of paradise was scary to me.

Now, I have often just avoided this fear by ignoring the subject altogether. If it came up in conversation, I would tune out until the subject changed. If I heard it being discussed on some sort of entertainment medium, I would quickly change to another channel. If I saw an article, I would pass over it. And if it popped into my head randomly, which happens to all of us, I would rapidly think of anything but the subject just to push the thought out of my head. All of this seems quite irrational now, but it was how I coped with it. I did not want to think of it, nor face it, because it scared me. Not particularly mature, but have not we all acted immature from time to time about one thing or another?

But the other day, I had an epiphany regarding eternity. Or perhaps it was even divine intervention to help me deal with this irrational fear of eternity. The concept of Heaven as I know it is one of paradise, where anything you could want is there for you. Where happiness is the order of the day, and all those you love are there with you. You would have unlimited knowledge, which always appealed to me, serenity and joy. It is a place where you could watch over not only the happenings of Earth, but the entire universe as well, seeing things and wonders you never knew existed or even thought possible. While contemplating this, and struggling with my fear, it occurred to me that eternity could be spent living all the lifetimes I could only dream of living on Earth, or fitting in everything I never will be able to now. I could even relive my own life once or twice, making better decisions and fixing things I messed up, maybe even making different decisions to see where my life might have led. I could be the big football star I was never physically gifted to be, or even a scientist that was able to cure a disease, gaining knowledge and wisdom along the way. I could even live lives as fictional characters. I could be an actual Jedi if I wanted to be. Eternity would be filled with trying new things and living new lives, each time learning something new and experiencing different thoughts, feelings and emotions, each time with all those around me playing different, but significant, roles in each different life. Eternity may not even be long enough to fit them all in once I really began to take off with this train of thought. I now look upon eternity as an adventure in waiting, as it should be, and not something to be dreaded.

I know this is not a novel concept, and that there are probably millions of people that have come to this realization long before me, but it was a breakthrough for me. It took the fear away of what comes next for me after this life. It helped me to move past a long held childhood fear and become more of an adult. And in many ways, it has helped me be a better person now, since I know that after overcoming such a long held fear, I can overcome any other fear that may strike me. And with this knowledge, I know I can make the most of the life I have here, and get a jump start on the one waiting for me there. But there is no need to rush things. As exciting as it now seems to me, I still like floating around on this big blue orb of ours, and hope to for quite some time. But at least I can float around now with one less fear, and is that not something we should all strive for?