Hairline fractures

I know I had teased yesterday about a thought that would be good to chew on. Something meaty that was good for contemplation. But once again real life has intruded and left me with but a scant amount of time to write. So I shall hold of on that particular subject for now. In the meantime....

Since I was young, my parents have instilled in me a very strong work ethic. When I start something, always see it through to the end. To give my all in effort and skill each day at whatever I do. To try my best on everything I do and to strive to become better with each task I attempt. They taught me that working hard will not only reap rewards, but is a reward in itself. That the feeling of accomplishment you receive from a job well done is a great reward in itself. You feel pride in yourself, in your accomplishments, as you gain more confidence and skill with each success. They taught me that whatever I do, even if it is something I may not enjoy, to throw 100% of my energy into it. Be a hard worker and make myself indispensable. I have taken these things to heart, and no matter what I do, I try my hardest. Sometimes, it is harder than others. Anyone who has had a job they hate, and I believe this is everyone, knows exactly what I mean. And even though I have yet to find what I want to be, that one thing where I can make a living and not feel like I am punching a clock, that one magical thing, I have still been able to be fairly successful with each endeavor that I have attempted. As I say to myself often, imagine what I could do if I was fully committed to something!

Lately, I have found myself cracking. Increasingly, I am finding the pressure of work and to do my best getting the better of me. Becoming short and not dealing with stress well. I believe perhaps this work ethic may work against me. Because I want to do the best I can, I put my all into whatever I try. When I do this, I invariably begin to take things personally. If I do something well, I feel very good, like I have made a difference for my employer. If I make a mistake or do something wrong, it is more than I just feel badly. I feel like I failed, that I should have known better than to make that particular error. That I should have been smart enough to know better, even if it is something I have tried for the first time. I feel as though I have let down my employer and myself. Typically, after this, I will spin out for a short time, usually all in my own mind as I put my body on auto pilot and push through until I can get on solid footing again. Then I will find my next task and throw myself into that with a semi-vengeance, determined to not only do better and succeed, but to make up for the previous mistake and erase any doubts I perceive or imagine my employer may have about me.

I am aware of the absurdity of this line of thinking. Another wonder of the human mind is we can recognize something that is bad for us from a rational, objective standpoint, yet find ourselves doing it in a practical, subjective environment. I have thought about it a bit, as to why I take these successes and failures, that in six months will mean very little, so personally. I am unsure if it is from the work ethic I have been instilled with or a deep set pathos. Perhaps it may be I have trouble separating myself with what I do. As if each task or accomplishment is a personal reflection of me. It may be a failing of my own, that I have linked success with intelligence. If I believe myself to be intelligent, then I certainly cannot fail. If I fail, then I must not be as smart as I think I am. These all create a paralysis of analysis and a fear of failure that can lead to the most dangerous of all maladies. It is malady that has struck both potential leaders and untapped geniuses down before ever having a chance to bloom. A lack of trying. And that is the exact opposite of any work ethic I have ever been taught.