There is an Adult in here after all

This is my thirtieth post. I know that does not seem like a lot. Heck, most people can do that in one month. But, since I have shown a tendency for being rather verbose in my writing, and one post could equal three or four posts by someone else, I find it a remarkable milestone. I thought of changing that, but I am who I am, and I enjoy writing this way. It makes me feel as though I have been able to really allow myself the chance to explore a particular thought. And although sometimes I do feel like I may have explored a thought enough or properly, at least I feel like I am getting the ideas in my head out in a positive way. Plus, since I just started this in late April, thirty posts is not bad for a few months of work. I may hit 40 or even 50 by the end of the year. That is almost like one a week. Most professional writers who write pieces of this length do not do this much work. And I have a full time job on top, nor do I dictate these to a ghost writer, like others (read celebrities) who blog. But that is neither here nor there. For this 30th post, I would like to talk about how I have done with my growing up.

I have made it to 17 days. 17 days without smoking one cigarette. 17 days without inhaling carcinogenic smoke into my lungs, at least other than what is already in our air. I feel very good about making it this far. Shamefully, I cannot remember the last time I went this long without having a cigarette. That sounds horrible, but unfortunately it’s true. For me, this could be the same as 17 years for how long and often I have smoked in the past. I am feeling quite triumphant at the moment. I know that I have got over the initial struggle, and that I will need to be on constant vigilance from here on out to make sure I never slip down that staircase again. But for the first time, I feel like I have the edge.

I had a few tests over last weekend that really made me think I am in control. The first was a party hosted by a friend of mine. Now, there was no one there who smoked, so the extra temptation was never there. But, it was a party, he does have a patio and there was alcohol involved, which is usually my downfall. But, not once in the entire evening did I feel an urge to smoke. Now, mind you the fact that I had no access to any and that I kept myself well snacked throughout the evening may have played roles in that, but still, I found it significant. Especially since last time I tried to quit, I went to a party and was driven nuts the whole time by a lack of smokes, and even managed to bum one. Bad, bad, bad.

The other test was after the Steelers/Chargers collision in San Diego Sunday night. A tough game and a tougher loss were witnessed by me as my team went down for their third straight loss. After driving several hours to watch them play in person, I was far from happy. And then, after walking through the parking lots listening to drunken Charger fans tweak anyone wearing black and gold, I was even less happy. But, I did not break down. Now, mind you, I did think about it once. A fan in front of us leaving was carrying a pack, and I did think about asking her for one. Being as she was a Steeler faithful as well, she would have probably been understanding and gladly slipped one to me. But, I did not want something as trivial as my team losing a game to derail the good work I had done over the past two weeks. So, I pushed down the urge, and moved on. Ultimately, I was glad I did, and still am. I could be writing something very different right now if I caved, and I am glad I did not. After that, I felt like I have really turned a corner toward successfully breaking the addiction.

Actually, I have achieved two milestones. Making it 17 days is a big one, but I also moved to the next stage of the patches. I kept feeling very bad as the second half of last week moved on. I had a feeling the patches were not good for me, and thought maybe I should move to get off them as soon as possible. Plus, feeling positive that I finally have some control, I felt confident of positive results. So on Tuesday, I moved down a step. So far, I feel good. I can definitely feel a lot of nervous energy returning to me. I am not sure what to do with all of it, and it will need to be harnessed, but I feel good. Almost all of the weird aches and pains are now gone. There is an occasional twinge now and again, but that could just be my out of shape body begging for some exercise. Either way, I feel much better. I know the patches are unnatural, and I am much better off being off of them, but I will not deride them. They did help get me through the initial stage of gaining some psychological control over the urges. I should have consulted a physician before use, as instructed. But, I am a man, and we tend to be dumber than we need to be, sometimes.

I know I will have to stay with this step as long as recommended, because with the new nervous energy, I find myself at times not sure what to do with myself. Here is the real trap, since I know in times like this historically, that would mean go have a smoke. I do not feel an urge to do so, nor do I want to, but I know this is the perfect place to fall into a trap, so I need to give myself every edge. Plus, there are events coming in the near future that I have always done while smoking and I will need to be doubly careful throughout each one. Vigilance will be the key to success now that I have gained some control.

Oddly enough, I am also not the only one winning the fight. I found out that two of my friends have also quit smoking. We all used to hang together and party or just goof around. They both did a road trip with me across the country once, all of us with ideas of starting a fabulous new life. And of course, we all smoked. Never once thought much of it, either. It was just he the thing to do. Now, none of us live close to each other, and unfortunately we don’t get the chance to talk to each other as much as we would like. I blame myself, sometimes I can be bad about remembering to pick up a bloody phone, so I had no idea they were quitting. I found it rather serendipitous, and odd, that within a few weeks of each other, we would all independently quit smoking. Must be something in the air, or maybe the water, or maybe we are all just growing up.

It’s probably just growing up. I know when I first wrote about quitting, I mentioned putting childish things on the shelf, and sometimes that was to make room for new things. Sometimes, new things include new adventures or partners. We reach new places in our lives and want different things. I know three couples who in the span of a month will all be married, all ready to start a new journey in a new phase of their lives. Plus, a fourth couple I know recently became engaged. Soon, more will take the walk down the aisle, and then some will start families and begin to shape a new generation. It is odd to think that I am at that age, but here I am, looking square at it. Everyone is growing up in their own ways. It does seem, though, that I am a bit behind the curve. But hey, I run my own race. Although this particular leg I should have ran much faster. All that smoking must have slowed me down too much. Good thing I got past this leg before it stopped me altogether.

Of the many changes I have noticed by quitting is how I feel about myself. I feel, for once, that I really am in control of my life. That I can affect the changes I want and make my life, and the lives around me, better by what I do. I feel like I am starting to come into my own. The early success I have had in battling this addiction has shown me I do have the strength and power to achieve other things and be successful elsewhere in my life. I know this success can lead to more successes down the road in all aspects of my life. For once, I feel I am on a good path to not fail or give up on anything for fear of trying, failing or succeeding. I feel more confident in myself. I know it is early, and that confidence is still just a small flame, but it is growing. I have seen it come from a smoldering ember, and now it’s a flame. I keep feeding it with each day I navigate without the aid of my addiction, and it grows more each day. It gives me the power to push myself in other areas and become more successful, thus feeding that flame much more. I know if I keep following this path, I will have a raging bonfire before long, and nothing will seem impossible.

I have seen examples of this confidence in each day, as I have successfully squashed each urge to smoke. I have seen it in the urges themselves, as they come back less frequently and less powerful each time. I have seen it knowing that with each one I defeat, the next one will be that much easier. I have seen it in activities I want to do now. I want to go biking more often, and there is a race/marathon I am planning on participating in next year. I have started working out to achieve that goal, one I never thought I would do. I have also seen it appear in my dreams, as they have changed dramatically. Many times in my dreams, they would end with me feeling defeated, beaten or incapable of solving the problem, saving someone I cared for or stopping the bad guy. I would awaken feeling emasculated from not being able to save the day, even if it was something simple. I would realize it was only a dream and begin my day, but I would always have that nagging feeling of being ineffectual. I am not sure if it had much of an effect on my day, but it may have. Not now. Since I have quit, I have had two dreams where I had to save the day, in a manner of speaking. One, two kids tried to pickpocket me in the street. One got my cell phone and ran from me. As I chased him, the other followed me, waiting for my attention to slip and pickpocket me as well. With my attention split, I could not catch the first one. But instead of failing, I found a way to succeed. I grabbed the second and held him hostage until the first one came back and gave me my phone. I walked away in triumph, and remembered it when I woke. In the second, I held up a child that could not swim from rising waters. My brother was there and did not have the strength to help, or get away from the waters. I waited with him, holding the child by myself, and calmed him until they receded, and helped all of us to higher ground. They were amazing. I had never triumphed like that in my dreams, and it felt great. The day after each one, I felt more positive than ever. I would have never imagined my new confidence, even though it is still young, could have such an effect on my psyche

I feel like good things are going to happen. That I will make them happen. I have the power now to do just that, and for once, the stamina and lung capacity. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings, and what I can do with it.