If I Knew How To Live A Life

Since the beginning of the year, I have felt an odd sort of anxiousness. A sort of unease or foreboding that permeates my being. It started not long after the turn of the calendar, and has continued unabated to date. It ebbs and flows from almost nothing more than an undercurrent to something as powerful as a hurricane. No matter what I do, I cannot shake it. Just when I feel perhaps it has gone away, it comes back. I have spent far too long in my own head trying to determine why, but I have. I am in conflict with myself. Who I want to be is fighting who I no longer want to be, and it is leaving me stalled in neutral on the road of life.

I have reached a crossroads, and I have been staring down the different paths of life for far longer than I should have. I keep looking at paths past and seeing the mistakes, failures and missed opportunities that lie discarded, not wanting to repeat any of them. I turn and look at the future paths that hold a gleam of hope and promise, yet I make no move toward any of them. I hesitate to take a step forward for fear of making the wrong choice, the wrong step, the wrong move. I want to make the right call, but I have no idea how to do such. I spin myself in circles of doubt and insecurity, completely rudderless, unable and partially unwilling to change direction.

There are times I wish life came with a manual, to help us in situations such as this. But as I discovered long ago, you write that manual as you go along, and you write it in pencil.

I am tired of rejection and bouncing around. I need a path, a direction, a purpose. Yet I find myself not working to find or to even clear a path as I should. With the level of frustration I feel, I should work as though a man possessed, but I work as though time has no meaning. Why is that? Why do I move so cautiously at finding a path? I hold onto this fear of who I could be with the desperation of a child clinging to a security blanket. But why? Why do I fear who I could be? Why do I not embrace the possibilities? Why do I hold onto yet another piece of who I no longer want to be knowing how it is affecting who I wish to be?

I look at the world around me and see others moving forward with surety and confidence. Even if it is merely a front, it is working. They are accomplishing and achieving goals they set forth for themselves. Yet I sit idle, conflicted and scared. The longer I sit, the more time slips by wasted and lost.

I feel the pressure of time. It slips by unabated, not bothering to wait for me to grasp my place in the world or clear my confusion. I feel the longer I sit in indecision, the faster time is running out for me to do anything. If I do not make a decision soon, if I do not make an attempt at something and fast, it will be too late for anything.

I have an opportunity in front of me that could be everything I want. It could revive dreams of old and shape me into not only who I want to be, but into someone who could make a positive impact on the world around me. But I find myself scared to try.

I find myself in a paradox of fear. I fear failure. Of starting down a path, of working to achieve a dream yet to find I am not good enough, do not have the intelligence, talent, creativity or skills to be anything more than a phony with delusions of grandeur. Yet I also fear success. What if I traverse the path and find success? Would it be me, or would it have just have been luck? Would I be able to repeat it, or be exposed as a fraud, only to find myself back where I am now, with nothing but dashed hopes once again littering my path.

Being caught in this paradox assures me of only one thing, I will never find any success. By doing nothing I will remain in the shadows of doubt and fear, constantly harassed by the demons that relentlessly hammer at my confidence in myself, my creativity and my intelligence. They infect my soul with self doubt and shred my esteem, reducing it to ribbons. They remain with me, representing yet another front in the battle of who I want to be versus who I no longer wish to be. Much like the other pieces I struggle to jettison.

Yet despite my awareness of what indecision will bring, despite knowing the doubt, fear and insecurity are merely demons working to derail me from moving forward, despite knowing the only life worth having is a life lived, I still stare at the crossroads bogged down in confusion. I find myself hamstrung by my own mind, the powers of which have mired me in a paralysis of analysis.

I have always been told that I was very smart. I have heard that intelligence is at a very high level, it is a gift and that makes me special. And with this intelligence, I could go anywhere and do anything. But the older I get, the same questions keeps ringing through my head. How smart am I really? Has this big brain ever gotten me anywhere special? Has it provided me with anything more than anyone with “average” intelligence? What have I done with it? Have I changed the world for the better in any way? Have I used any of this intelligence I supposedly have for any sort of good or positive change?

If I really do have a gift, then I am wasting it, and wasting time.

I am sick of not knowing what to do, unsure of what to be, but I feel powerless to change any of it. Indecisive and scared are the words of the day, and that day is everyday.

I feel like a screw up that keeps screwing up. I keep turning in different directions to change things, yet I keep finding the same wrong paths and choices no matter which way I turn.

Why is it I can see the problems, the steps to solve them and the paths on the horizon, yet I am powerless to do anything? Why cannot I eradicate the demons I no longer want in me? Why are the desires of who I wish to be not strong enough to defeat them?

I fear I will end up yet another sad example of unfulfilled promise and potential. Ask anyone, that is the most pathetic of lives.