Sadness and Tragedy

Sometimes it takes an act of terror to put life into perspective. Unfortunately, we got that act Monday with the horrific events that unfolded at Virginia Tech University. Since details are still being unearthed and clues and motives are still yet to be uncovered, I do not wish to speculate or rehash the events that transpired. We all know them, as they are continuing to break, and we have become riveted as they unfold. I wish to say but a few words regarding this tragedy. First, I wish to send my condolences to the friends, family and loved ones of those who died. I cannot imagine your pain, and I hope you are able to find comfort in this dark time. I also wish to send well wishes to those who survived, and an urging to seek help. Not just medical, but psychological help as well. An event such as this can leave wounds on the psyche that can take years to heal, and the sooner help is received, the better the chance of recovery. Please find someone to talk with about what happened and begin the healing process. I urge Virginia Tech to do whatever it takes to make this help available to any who seek it. Help out those under your care as soon as you can. And I hope that those wounded all pull through and survive; we do not wish to see any more added to the already unspeakably high death toll.

Now that the original shock has worn off, the talking heads have already begun the second guessing and cries of why did this happen. Without starting in on them too much, I must say that no one knows why. Why would one person snap to the point of mass murder? Why would what they perceive as ills of society drive them on a killing spree? Many have started talking about gun control, warning signs and how to prevent such things in the future, but how? How do you really stop one nut who snaps and has his mind hardwired in the wrong way? How do you stop a person like this with a plan and a mission? You cannot, with any assurance, stop them without taking away the personal freedoms of everyone. Unless we are all monitored and watched, you cannot stop someone from snapping. We live in a country with over 300 million people, and there are bound to be more nuts like this guy amongst them. The problem is, many times we never know who they are until they snap and commit unspeakable acts. All we can do is look for signs and attempt to steer these individuals toward professionals that can help them. That is the only real thing we can do, help each other. If you feel someone may be having a multitude of problems that could lead to something of this nature, talk with them. Reach out and urge them to seek help to speak about their problems. Talk to professionals and get them in contact with those who you feel may be at risk. Get involved and help, solve the problem before it becomes one. Otherwise, the other option is that we will all be subjected to searches, incarceration and constant questioning as we attempt to live our lives in constant fear and suspicion of everyone around us. And that would cause far more problems that it would solve.

And to those nuts out there like this guy, if you feel life is too much to handle, that things are too tough or there are too many spoiled rich kids or too much debauchery in the world please take this advice. When you feel like you are going to snap and kill, please start with the jag off you see in the mirror and keep your toll at a nice safe 1. Why do these slime balls always feel the need to take others out, people that have done nothing to incur this wrath? And why are they always so cowardly that they kill themselves, unwilling to face the punishment for what they have done? Of course, the more I think of it, the better it probably is that he killed himself. For there is no punishment I can think of that would be appropriate enough for him. Nothing harsh enough, painful enough, humiliating enough or devastating enough to put him through the kind of terror, fear and pain as he put those people through, and continues to put many of the survivors through.

This is going to leave all of us with far more questions than answers and a torrent of emotions from terror and fear to sadness and grief as well as anger and rage. Unlike most of us, I have no idea what the answers are and am desperately trying to find some. But I do hope that we all are somehow able to find some peace and comfort in this time and to find joy, as difficult as that may seem right now, that we are able to go on, and live life. We should all live each day like it was a precious commodity. Because in this world, it really is.

If I Knew How To Live A Life

Since the beginning of the year, I have felt an odd sort of anxiousness. A sort of unease or foreboding that permeates my being. It started not long after the turn of the calendar, and has continued unabated to date. It ebbs and flows from almost nothing more than an undercurrent to something as powerful as a hurricane. No matter what I do, I cannot shake it. Just when I feel perhaps it has gone away, it comes back. I have spent far too long in my own head trying to determine why, but I have. I am in conflict with myself. Who I want to be is fighting who I no longer want to be, and it is leaving me stalled in neutral on the road of life.

I have reached a crossroads, and I have been staring down the different paths of life for far longer than I should have. I keep looking at paths past and seeing the mistakes, failures and missed opportunities that lie discarded, not wanting to repeat any of them. I turn and look at the future paths that hold a gleam of hope and promise, yet I make no move toward any of them. I hesitate to take a step forward for fear of making the wrong choice, the wrong step, the wrong move. I want to make the right call, but I have no idea how to do such. I spin myself in circles of doubt and insecurity, completely rudderless, unable and partially unwilling to change direction.

There are times I wish life came with a manual, to help us in situations such as this. But as I discovered long ago, you write that manual as you go along, and you write it in pencil.

I am tired of rejection and bouncing around. I need a path, a direction, a purpose. Yet I find myself not working to find or to even clear a path as I should. With the level of frustration I feel, I should work as though a man possessed, but I work as though time has no meaning. Why is that? Why do I move so cautiously at finding a path? I hold onto this fear of who I could be with the desperation of a child clinging to a security blanket. But why? Why do I fear who I could be? Why do I not embrace the possibilities? Why do I hold onto yet another piece of who I no longer want to be knowing how it is affecting who I wish to be?

I look at the world around me and see others moving forward with surety and confidence. Even if it is merely a front, it is working. They are accomplishing and achieving goals they set forth for themselves. Yet I sit idle, conflicted and scared. The longer I sit, the more time slips by wasted and lost.

I feel the pressure of time. It slips by unabated, not bothering to wait for me to grasp my place in the world or clear my confusion. I feel the longer I sit in indecision, the faster time is running out for me to do anything. If I do not make a decision soon, if I do not make an attempt at something and fast, it will be too late for anything.

I have an opportunity in front of me that could be everything I want. It could revive dreams of old and shape me into not only who I want to be, but into someone who could make a positive impact on the world around me. But I find myself scared to try.

I find myself in a paradox of fear. I fear failure. Of starting down a path, of working to achieve a dream yet to find I am not good enough, do not have the intelligence, talent, creativity or skills to be anything more than a phony with delusions of grandeur. Yet I also fear success. What if I traverse the path and find success? Would it be me, or would it have just have been luck? Would I be able to repeat it, or be exposed as a fraud, only to find myself back where I am now, with nothing but dashed hopes once again littering my path.

Being caught in this paradox assures me of only one thing, I will never find any success. By doing nothing I will remain in the shadows of doubt and fear, constantly harassed by the demons that relentlessly hammer at my confidence in myself, my creativity and my intelligence. They infect my soul with self doubt and shred my esteem, reducing it to ribbons. They remain with me, representing yet another front in the battle of who I want to be versus who I no longer wish to be. Much like the other pieces I struggle to jettison.

Yet despite my awareness of what indecision will bring, despite knowing the doubt, fear and insecurity are merely demons working to derail me from moving forward, despite knowing the only life worth having is a life lived, I still stare at the crossroads bogged down in confusion. I find myself hamstrung by my own mind, the powers of which have mired me in a paralysis of analysis.

I have always been told that I was very smart. I have heard that intelligence is at a very high level, it is a gift and that makes me special. And with this intelligence, I could go anywhere and do anything. But the older I get, the same questions keeps ringing through my head. How smart am I really? Has this big brain ever gotten me anywhere special? Has it provided me with anything more than anyone with “average” intelligence? What have I done with it? Have I changed the world for the better in any way? Have I used any of this intelligence I supposedly have for any sort of good or positive change?

If I really do have a gift, then I am wasting it, and wasting time.

I am sick of not knowing what to do, unsure of what to be, but I feel powerless to change any of it. Indecisive and scared are the words of the day, and that day is everyday.

I feel like a screw up that keeps screwing up. I keep turning in different directions to change things, yet I keep finding the same wrong paths and choices no matter which way I turn.

Why is it I can see the problems, the steps to solve them and the paths on the horizon, yet I am powerless to do anything? Why cannot I eradicate the demons I no longer want in me? Why are the desires of who I wish to be not strong enough to defeat them?

I fear I will end up yet another sad example of unfulfilled promise and potential. Ask anyone, that is the most pathetic of lives.

Random Observations

While bouncing around from day to day, I find myself noticing a few things about our society. I tend to jot these down either as something of note or in hopes of writing a long piece about said observation. Oftentimes, many of these are short observations and do not have enough substance by themselves to support their own post. But I keep them around just the same, since you never know what you may do with them. However, I have collected quite a few, and I thought it would be a fun idea to just throw out a potpourri of these random thoughts and observations. Some are funny, some annoying and a few have actual import. So peruse through them, have a laugh and enjoy.


There seems to me to be an inordinate amount of ads and commercials lately for sleep aids. Many have a litany of rather unappealing side affects. It seems we may not need so many ways to help us fall asleep, if we just stopped drinking a gallon each of coffee and energy drinks a day.

And speaking of coffee, there is a coffee on the market for those with sensitive stomachs. If your stomach is that sensitive, maybe you shouldn't be drinking coffee. And did anyone ever stop to think that maybe their stomach got into that situation from drinking too much coffee?

Cigarettes are bad for you, highly addictive and can cause a multitude of long term problems and lead to early death. However, the real addiction problem that is going unchecked in this country, and one no one will talk about, is Starbucks and coffee in general.

If a period piece, fantasy or science fiction film has a modern music soundtrack with rock or pop songs, even if they just appear in the trailers, the movie will suck.

Quippy one liners in movie trailers = bad film, especially if it is an action film.

I loved the movie Disturbia, when it was called Rear Window.

If an action/adventure or science fiction/comic book film is released early in the year, chances are no one who made the movie has faith it could compete over the summer, and it probably sucks.

Those dolls that eat the fake food and then mess their diaper and you have to change the doll. I do not get those. Are they really fun to play with, or are they a conditioning tool for girls for later in life?

Now that the furor has died down, a small note on the entire Anna Nicole Smith debacle. No one involved in that entire ordeal, and I mean no one, ever gave a damn about Anna, nor do they give a damn about her daughter. Everyone, from Howard K. Stern to that nimrod Prince, her mother, the supposed father, the judge, the lawyers, the news media, the tabloid media and everyone else in between quickly forgot that there was an actual human being involved in this story. All they saw was publicity, fame and money. Anna was a troubled human being who only managed to gleam onto people who never saw her as a person, they only saw her as a meal ticket and stepping stone to fame. Every single person involved in this travesty should be utterly ashamed of themselves, but unfortunately they are not. This entire situation, to me, represented the very worst of our culture. The money grubbing, attention seeking, sensationalized parts of our society that we try to deny are there, or feel above, yet soak up like we are all sponges and this is one more big spill. And like a good sponge, we never seem to be satiated.

This idea is quickly devolving into a Larry King column, I fear.

Adam Sandler's appeal – He plays the same character, with slight variations, in every movie. Although, I am willing to give his latest foray into drama the benefit of the doubt.

Paris Hilton's appeal - sure she's rich, but she is not that attractive, she is dumb as a post and had done absolutely nothing of any consequence to garner her fame or fortune. And it is doubtful that if you took away the money and the fame that she would be able to survive.

Cameron Diaz's appeal – The last time she looked attractive was in The Mask. Since then she seems more interested in keeping herself at a weight where we can discern her skeletal structure. That's a long time to be running on one trick. Nor is she that funny, either.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force – Sure, it is mildly amusing, but I have trouble seeing where the great appeal is found. I think I have to be high to get it, although I know a few cats who vehemently disagree with me.

Angelina Jolie – Yes, she does have an appealing body, and her work with the UN is to be commended. Very few celebrities use their fame for the betterment of the world. But she just seems to have this skanky vibe to her, and I think I may be one of the only few who feels this way. Plus, what is with the world wide adoption? Sure, those kids will definitely have a better life than they had before she adopted them. But with her constant global hopping for causes and filming, will those kids ever have an actual mother?

Not too long ago, I saw a commercial for an episode of Dr. 90210 on E!, the reality program centering around a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills. This episode focused on a couple who were there to have surgery for saggy balls for the gentleman and droopy labium for the lady, if those adjectives can really describe the pair. What is wrong with you when your biggest concerns in the world are about the appearance of body parts that the only people who should be seeing such things are yourself and your partner? If that is all you have to worry about, and spend your money on, you really need to get out, get a pulse on reality and the outside world, and find something far more productive to do with your time, money and those last two brain cells you keep harboring. But I believe the next episode featured the pair removing those pesky brain cells that kept itching inside their heads.

There are only two types of employees at Subway. Those that throw together your sandwich with the accuracy of a kindergartener coloring between the lines, and with an identical attention span, or those who take the term “Sandwich Artist” far too literally.

The Nintendo Wii is one of the most amazing pieces of technology I have ever seen. The commercial where they show the real Tiger Woods control the actions of a virtual Tiger Woods with just a plastic stick with buttons blows me away. That your own movements could control a figure on the screen shows that we are getting ever closer to full fledged virtual reality. But it also begs the question, if I can stand in my living room and swing a piece of plastic and pretend to play golf, why don’t I just go outside and play golf? One of the biggest selling points of the Wii seems to be sports games and how you can play all these different sporting events. Now, I know there is a draw to playing as a famous athlete against other athletes, but that is nothing but a hook. If I really wanted to play baseball or golf or tennis, I could just go outside and do it. If Wii really wanted to suck me in and get me to drop coin on a new gaming system, make a few games where I do something I could never do. How about piloting a moon lander, or dating a supermodel or even exploring the Marianas Trench? No way could I ever do those things in real life, so my best option would be a game. Make that game, and you might have me.

I caught the latest California tourism advertisement. Two things strike me about this ad. One, does California really need to advertise for tourism at this point? And two, I doubt I will ever get enough of hearing Arnold Schwarzenegger pronouncing the word California.

Why is it that every time I see or hear about something related to American Idol, the following thought runs through my mind: “Thou shalt not put any false idols before me.”?

And speaking of Idol, at this point the only thing that seems to drag on longer than this show is baseball season. Watching Fox the other evening, I saw that they were down to the top 8. Is it just me, or did they finally narrow it down to the top 12 like 2 months ago? Although I will probably be shunned by elders and spit on by children for disparaging American Idol.

New Jersey is looking to pass a law that will ban text messaging while driving. You should not need a law to tell you that, common sense should tell you this is dangerous, reckless and just plain dumb. Jesse Ventura was right, you cannot legislate common sense.

People need to wake up and realize how bad of an idea it is to put those family caricature stickers on the rear windows of their cars. I know you are proud of your family, and love to show them off, but do you realize when you put them on, you are advertising information about your children to potential predators? I saw one the other day that not only had a caricature of each child, letting me know the approximate age of said child, but also had their first names and above the entire thing the family surname. Everyone now knows the names of all the children of that parent, and has an idea of what the child may look like. I fear that one day we will hear a chilling story of a child abduction that began with some psychopath using these stickers as a base. Please everyone, take them off your cars before some nut does something horrible.

System Reset

Hello all, and welcome once again to the latest Quick Thoughts system test and review. As you may have noticed, over the last month there has not been much of anything new to peruse around here. No, I have not been a victim of my old nemesis sloth nor have I been lucky enough to be away on a fabulous vacation. There are several interesting and frustrating reasons for the dearth of material. The first reason is, well, I hit a bit of a block. I know that sounds pretty funny considering the length of some of the pieces here, but it happened. I started writing on several different thoughts, and right in the middle of one of them, I just froze. I looked over what I had written and could not for the life of me figure out what I was trying to say. Mercifully, the second reason has aided in cracking that block, and I am back on track. So look for new content coming very soon.

The second reason, which as mentioned helped loosen up the backlog of ideas and direction, is Quick Thoughts has undergone a complete edit. All of the past posts have been read, cleaned up and fixed for improved reading pleasure. The idea for the edit began to germinate late last year, as I was working on The Crystal Ball posts. I would find, always several days after posting, the occasional misspelled word or poor grammar or a piece of unclear writing. I know many of these errors came in the rush to post each week, and as I was not used to posting under deadline, sometimes errors snuck through my crack review process. Oh, and I was still working on developing a crack review process. In one Crystal Ball post, I even found a half finished sentence, where the thought just trailed off and I went on to start a new paragraph. The funny, and kind of sad, part is that I just now noticed it.

So in working to edit The Crystal Ball posts for repost, and the forthcoming fourth reason, I wanted to also go through the other posts and give them the same treatment. This task was far more of a time consuming undertaking than I initially thought, especially with many of the earlier posts. Many of them were replete with grammatical errors, confusing writing and poor wording. But I did take a few positives from the process. One, I found that the writing improved greatly as time went on. Grammatical errors lessened, the writing became clearer and more descriptive and each piece overall had a better flow. So practice, while not making perfect just yet, is definitely improving the quality around here. Two, I have greatly improved my editing skills, which will come in handy for future pieces. And three, in looking at the pieces from an objective standpoint, I found a few of them interesting and a decent read. So perhaps there is hope yet for a career as a wordsmith.

Moving on, the third reason for the delay in material has been due to some cosmetic changes. You may have noticed we have a nice shiny new banner at the top of the page. This graphic is just one part of some overall website work that has been done here and on our home page as well. Hopefully, further changes and improvements will also be forthcoming, although that is dependent on the rate of improvement in my design and site construction skills.

And finally, the fourth reason for the lack of material is also the driving force behind the edits of The Crystal Ball, peripherally the overall edit and a large part of the cosmetic changes and site revamps. I would like to formally introduce Riding the Pine, the new sports only blog. Riding the Pine now contains all of the sports related posts from the last year and will be the new home for The Crystal Ball starting with our upcoming NFL draft special. The idea for a sports themed blog came in speaking with a few of the regulars to Quick Thoughts. I found that while some enjoyed the content in Quick Thoughts, they were ambivalent on the sports themed pieces. While others I spoke with found the sports articles quite interesting and fun. With Riding the Pine, we can now provide a choice for your reading pleasure. Feel like sports, check out Pine. Perhaps you would like something a bit more universal, then Quick Thoughts is your destination. Plus, it will help me to separate and clarify some of the ideas I have and aid in keeping myself organized. In the long run, I think this will be a great addition, and depending on its success, may pave the way for future subject specific blogs.

Now that you are up to date on the goings on around here, stick around for some fresh new content. Or if you are so inclined, sift through the archives and take a new look at some older pieces. With the edits done, they should read much better than before. Well, they should read better, but I know there are still some hidden errors and mistakes embedded somewhere. I am only human, after all. Regardless, please enjoy and stay tuned.