Random Observations V - The Asinine Strikes Back

Welcome one and all to my favorite running gag, I mean skewed look at our world, Random Observations. One stupid idea and I’ve dragged enough mileage out of it for a fifth post. And fear not, it will go on indefinitely, or until I become massively bored. Whilst I work on a few other long standing ideas, I thought I’d give everyone a platter of appetizers to enjoy. So dig in!


Gatorade is now G, because cool people don’t like words!

Whoa, the new Blackberry Storm, it has no keyboard, its, its, its…just like an iPhone! Who would have thought Blackberry would have gone in that direction, considering the massive popularity of Apple’s latest triumph. How long before Bill Gates rolls out XPhone?

Thank you Levi’s, for promoting and encouraging compulsive lying, unprotected sex with strangers and breaking and entering. Good job, douches you not only have you shown your irresponsibility, but you’ve made me sound like some old man complaining about the kids today.

'I don't want to be picked unless you're picking me for my judgment.” Vice President Joe Biden to Barack Obama prior to being named the vice presidential candidate. Uhhhhh, Joe, is this the same judgment that thought it ok to plagiarize that Neil Kinnock speech in 1987? If so, I know I’m concerned if Obama leans too heavily upon you.

An all natural pizza from Pizza Hut? Is the grease natural too? By the way, is anyone really fooled by those hidden camera commercials their pimping now? Does anyone honestly believe customers of a high end Italian restaurant in New York or an actual Italian restaurant in Italy were fooled into thinking the stuff Pizza Hut schleps in their red roofed shacks was high end fare?

The Snuggie blanket; for those who find robes irritating and would rather wear a cloak with no hood backwards. Ok, the Snuggie looks ultra ridiculous, and it may very well be warm, comforting and convenient. But they advertise this thing as something that could keep one warm at sporting events. And if I ever went to an outdoor event and saw someone break this contraption out said event would not last long enough for me to make serious fun.

Not to take anything away from the actual inauguration or its historical significance, but does anyone else find the moving aspect of the transfer of power fascinating? The Bush family woke up in the White House on January 20th, did their final preparations for the ceremony then left. Afterward their personal possessions were removed and replaced with those of the Obama family. And after Barack and Michelle finished with their last ball, they went home to the White House as though they had been living there for years. I find this process extremely interesting, yet it’s highly under reported.

I didn’t think dowries existed anymore. Beyond the head shaking disgust of the story, I have but one question. Exactly what kind of justice did the father expect to get when he explained the situation to the police, and they found out he sold his 14 year old daughter to an 18 year old man for cash, meat and beer? I have no idea what he wanted, but I’m glad he got at least some of the treatment he deserved.

Wait, another story of a father selling his young girl for money? Look, I know times are tough, but when did it become ok to sell young girls to lecherous old men? And I know different cultures have different standards, but cannot we agree across the board that selling children, girls or boys, into servitude or forced marriages when they’re barely old enough to know right from wrong is never ok? Chris Hanson, we need you now more than ever.

Television shows with the word Project in the title are just that, projects. Sorry, but I’ll wait for the finished product, thank you.

Between MTV, Comedy Central and Cartoon Network, I have come to the conclusion that if you’re weird looking and have no shame, you too can have a TV show. Seriously at this point, is any of their programming entertaining unless you’re in an altered state? Trust me I am not the one to bust on altered states, as I myself like a belt of something strong from time to time. But watching two fat guys sitting on a couch waving at me through my TV does not constitute entertainment in my book.

Ugg, another reality chef show with a pompous ass as the head chef/host where he takes perverse pleasure in psychologically torturing and abusing people because he doesn’t agree with how they prepare chicken parmesan? Did not Hell’s Kitchen cover this fertile, and by fertile I mean manure ridden, ground? Watching some arrogant twit compare kitchens and chefs to armies and generals whilst treating a kitchen as a combination torture chamber/battlefield, it takes all the joy and pleasure of food away for me. And thinking that this sort of infantile behavior probably exists in most restaurants makes me want to just stay home and make a sandwich. I know the idea behind these programs is to show some sort of drama infused competition, but all it’s succeeding to do in my mind is turn me off from the restaurant industry altogether. Oh and by the way chef Marco Pierre White, I tend to avoid eating food created and prepared by a man who thinks dress shirt, slacks, tie and suspenders combined with checkerboard slip on shoes and no socks is a good sartorial choice.

This story goes back to Thanksgiving, but still makes my head pound. I wonder about the sanity of us as a society when trampling someone in order to buy goods seems ok. I wonder too about us when no one stops to help the injured man, just continue to run over him to save a buck. And honestly, does Wal-Mart really have that great of merchandise that you need to stampede like rattled cattle in order to obtain it?

Fine, I’ll admit it. I like Katy Perry. I thought admitting it would make the shame go away, but it’s only worse.

General Motors and Chrysler claim to need an additional 21.6 billion dollars in relief funds to continue their turnaround. While on the surface, this sounds asinine, in reality it’s a great idea and a necessary course of action. We need to help keep these companies running, because if they fail, their benefits and retirement programs would be foisted upon the American public, and if you thought things were bad now, being saddled with that financial responsibility could destroy taxpayers. What sticks in my craw though is they claim this additional need is based in part because of a worsening demand for their vehicles. Gentlemen, if you would like people to demand your product, the solution is simple. BUILD A BETTER AUTOMOBILE!

TiVo guilt? Really? I’m pretty much convinced that there are too many people that live in a bubble of their own making and have little to no grasp regarding the reality of the world around them. I call this story corroborating evidence exhibit # 987,546.

What was that, you enjoy people foolishly operating in their hermetically sealed bubbles? No problem, then take a gander at corroborating evidence exhibit #987,547. Considering the current state of the world and our economy, that a strike is even being debated is mind boggling. I know the actor’s union has many valid points, and the fact that they continue to work even though their previous contract expired last June does give them a certain level of credibility when negotiating for the best deal. But people, wake up and look at the world around you. Millions are losing their jobs and their homes, and you want to argue about what boils down to pennies? I find this as aggravating as the writer’s strike, but more boneheaded considering the current national financial climate.

And here you will find corroborating evidence exhibit # 987,548 of a lack of reality in people’s thought process. You know, I thought our nation and world were teetering on the edge of financial catastrophe. Apparently I am wrong. Things must be all peaches and cream if people have the time to file lawsuits regarding trademark infringement over “Pull My Finger”

In other things iPhone, wow they’re making the rounds lately; I’m stunned by the Buddy Beacon application. You know this install, it allows you to track your friends and see where they are at any time. Does anyone realize that not only has Big Brother convinced you to voluntarily submit to tracking and monitoring, but he convinced you to pay for it as well? George Orwell never in his wildest nightmares saw this coming.

These must have been some pants. I suppose a tiny part of me can at least partially understand the judge’s frustration. I only have two pairs of pants nice enough to require dry cleaning, so if one were lost, I’d be ticked and in trouble too as right now I could not afford to replace them. But a $54 million lawsuit because of an error? I thought judges typically abhorred frivolous lawsuits.

He can pump out all the TV shows and movies he wants, but what I’m really waiting for is the premiere of Tyler Perry’s World Domination.

This question has been on my mind lately. Who do you think would win in a fight, Billy Mays or Vince from ShamWow? Billy has the size, but I think Vince looks as though he has that wiry strength and probably has better stamina so I’m giving him the edge.

Everyone has seen or heard of Joaquin Phoenix’s “performance” on The Late Show right? David Letterman was hilarious; Joaquin not so much. Questions abound as to whether Joaquin has a substance abuse problem or this current version of himself is merely an act for a documentary spoof lampooning Hollywood pomposity. If he does have a problem, then this situation is sad. Especially considering he recently played Johnny Cash, a man whose life almost imploded due to substance abuse, and his brother died from a drug overdose. If this is an act, then it moves from sad to insulting to those with substance problems and pathetic. Joaquin, whatever your intended idea is behind the spoof it does not come off that way. It comes off as lame, sad, offense and highly callous considering your own family’s pain and struggle in the aftermath of substance abuse. Use your talent to entertain, not create a faux train wreck. We get enough of that thanks to “reality” TV.

I know stories like this happens everyday no matter the economic climate, but they seem to be more poignant and heartbreaking now. People, pets are a responsibility not only emotionally and physically, but fiscally too and providing love, care and a home can become expensive. If you have any doubt you may be able to properly provide for them, do not adopt. It will only cause far more problems for you and them later down the road. If you take on the responsibility of caring for another living creature, live up to it. People have too cavalier an attitude when it comes to pets that if things become tough or they become inconvenient, it’s ok to just give them up. You would not behave that way if it were children.

Oh, wait. Yes some would. Wow, I thought the previous story was sad. This brings heartbreak and pain to a whole new depressing level. I’m not sure what punches me in the solar plexus harder, the thought of what will happen to these children and the sadness it brings, or the irresponsibility of the parents and how no matter their protestations that they are trying to do the right thing to help their kids I cannot believe them and just want to pound on them until my arms tire. Doing the right thing is not abandoning them. It’s providing them with love, care, understanding and finding a way no matter what to do those things. One woman said not to judge her, because she loves her son but there is no help. Well lady, you make your own help! You find a way, you do whatever it takes, you sacrifice; you live up to the responsibility you assumed when you became a parent. My parents faced tough times with two boys; they never dumped us at a hospital or orphanage or on relatives or just abandoned us. They worked hard to provide the necessities and a few niceties as well. One of my favorite most touching stories is of Steeler wide receiver Hines Ward’s mother who similarly faced tough times as these parents are, but she never gave up. She worked three jobs in a country where she did not know the language, just to make sure she could provide for her son properly and be a mother to him. And by living up to her responsibility as a parent, her son thrived, got a college education and became wildly successful at his job. I will sit in judgment of these people, because if they give up this easily on caring FOR THEIR OWN CHILDREN, then they deserve as much scorn as we can muster. The only consolation I can take is at least they didn’t sell them.

Before I go on a depression induced drinking binge and a stupidity induced rampage where I smack dumb people upside the head, thank goodness there comes along some true heroes. In our society, we tend to lionize people for trivial matters too often. There may be some well meaning thoughts behind our behavior, but it still boils down to extraneous praise and hero worship heaped upon those who in the macrocosm of things are undeserving. I am not trying to degrade anyone, just attempting to point out how we sometimes confuse our priorities and muddle the true definition of heroism. I like many of us revel in the joys, sorrows and laughter provided by sports and entertainment. The work of the people in these arenas brings happiness to many and enriches our lives. However, what they do does not make them heroes and I feel most of them would agree.

With our idol worship of entertainment figures, we overlook the true heroes amongst us. Those who work hard to be the best they can at demanding positions, those who carry the burden of keeping the rest of us safe and secure without complaint, those who foist the responsibility of lives, families, livelihoods and so much more upon their shoulders just by performing their chosen profession, those who take to heart the meaning of the phrase personal responsibility. These people constitute the backbone of our society, assuming accountability for so much we hold dear without request for fame or fortune. And we should all be eternally grateful that in these positions are men and women like Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger and his crew who take this responsibility seriously and never shirk from their duties no matter how difficult they may be. I am glad there are still people out there who shrug when facing situations like he did and the rightful adulation that follows; not because of arrogance or foolishness but because they accept the responsibility of their station and follow through on the promise to do the best job possible because that is what you are supposed to do. So thank you Captain Sullenberger and all of the crew of Cactus 1549, your actions not only saved lives but have helped restore a bit of faith in humanity and shown us all that no matter what we do, if we do our best and hold ourselves accountable we can all make a positive impact in our world.