And Always Remember To Flush

The casualness of society is killing decorum and good taste. Ok, it’s already dead. I think we finished those off when chicks from Flavor of Love and Rock of Love started getting their own TV shows. But I digress.

The increase of general casualness has opened up areas where a certain level of discreteness once upon a time was the norm and now is the exception. Mind you, this is not necessarily a bad thing. People are free to talk on phones wherever and whenever, allowing vital communication to occur with a sense of freedom. Mothers can feel secure knowing if their child needs to be nursed, they will be able to do so without being scorned and shamed. And employees can feel more comfortable and productive in casual dress instead of slogging through the day in three piece suits. And if they feel more comfortable dressed to the nines, they are free to do so as well.

However, as with anything, people tend to take a good idea too far. Said cell phone users are more than happy to babble incessantly about the minutiae of their lives everywhere, bothering movie patrons, restaurant diners and rudely ignoring checkout personnel who are trying to provide service to them. Openness has pushed casual kissing and displays of affection in public to outright grope fests where sometimes, I’m sure those people are actually engaging in intercourse. I’m no prude by any stretch of the imagination, but we’re talking about general public sensibilities, so show a minuscule bit of discretion. Most people find it distasteful to watch Dick and Jane Hotpants round third base at the local Starbucks. At the very least find a bush or darkened doorway in which to proceed. And of course casual dress outside the office has degraded to the closer one looks to a sloppy bum, the cooler they must be.

I remember once leaving LAX on an early morning flight witnessing an amazing display of casualness that still blows my mind. My wife and I were up way too early for our tastes to catch said early flight, but still showered and dressed appropriately for public. Nothing fancy of course, we were hopping on a cross country flight so sneakers, jeans and pullover shirts were the order of the day. Comfortable, practical and yet appropriate for being in public. But we were wildly overdressed compared to this family we saw waiting for a flight. All of them, mother, father and two children, were dressed head to toe in pajamas. And I don’t mean like t-shirts or stretch pants some use as bedtime wear, I mean top and bottom pajama sets. Amongst their carry on flotsam were pillows and blankets in which to nap. The mother spent the majority of the time waiting for their flight slouched over in her chair with one said blanket wrapped around her head and torso in a sort of mini cocoon, shutting out the stark reality of where exactly she was and what her children were doing. The father sluggishly and half heartedly worked to keep the kids, sleepy yet excited for adventure, occupied. Now, I hate getting up early for almost any reason. I say almost because I’m still a sucker for Christmas morning. And the prospect of rising early to deal with airport security and then a long flight was one I dreaded. Oh, I wanted to take the trip, I just didn’t want to deal with such an early start. But I still managed to pull myself together, and I’m not even setting an example for children. Even recalling this event now leaves me feeling a bit incredulous.

Nevertheless once a train gets rolling, it’s hard to stop. And this casual train is picking up speed. Now I’m one that’s all for it almost all of the time. I tend to eschew fancy dress clothes. I love a comfortable pair of shorts and a t-shirt over most anything. Oh, once in a while it’s fun to dress up and go out on the town, but every day? Yikes. And my cell phone is my only phone, so obviously I’m fine with chatting out and about. As for nursing mothers, who cares? I’m siding with the kid on this one. When I’m hungry I want to eat now. In my opinion, smart kid. Oh sure, I have some exceptions to casual society, but I tend to think there are bigger fish to fry on the whole than getting worked up about wearing jeans with a sport coat. But socks and sandals still must go.

But there is one area where I grant no quarter, no exceptions and no excuses. I say no more to casualness in public bathrooms, either in stores, transportation hubs, offices or anywhere else. This problem has gone too far and we must eliminate it now before it gets worse.

Perhaps I’m a bit old school on this one, but I tend to think of the bathroom as a place of business, as in do your business and move on. It’s a solitary place for your own dealings and, sometimes, reflections. Once again, I’m no prude, but the bathroom is not an appropriate place for BS sessions, meetings or general frivolity. Ok, maybe your own bathroom at home is fine for these things, but not public restrooms.

So I would like to propose a few rules for operating in public bathrooms. Nothing drastic, just a few things that would help bring back a bit of decorum and private comfort.

Idle conversation – Above all else, this has gotta go. I don’t care for idle conversation in general. I mean, who really enjoys talking with some jagoff about the weather? Personally I feel idle conversation is made to either break a silence someone is uncomfortable with or to hear themselves talk. I really don’t like it at the urinal, where I prefer silence and my own introspection. So if you kind of know me and see me saddled up to the porcelain, button your yapper unless you see a tiger behind me or someone needs me on a life or death basis.

Work conversation – If you have an important work issue that needs discussed or some vital bit of information that needs to be conveyed, fine I get that. But go to someone’s office or a conference room or to lunch and discuss to your hearts content. I hate having to wade through people milling around the door while they engage in conversation. Even worse is trying to do my business whilst issues are being bounded about at the sinks, the urinals or horribly, between stalls. Yes, I have been caught in the crossfire of a conversation while two idiots attempted to continue their chat while both were doing the squat. Come on, really?

In the stalls – This is not your Barcalounger. Those pipes are interconnected, so when you flop down on them Joe Comfortable, it shakes the rest of us. Now, onto the business at hand and it’s really simple. Get in, get done, and get out. People traipsing in there with the New York Times and spending 20 minutes or more drive me insane. You are in public, show some consideration others may need to use those facilities. We do not really want to wait until you’ve finished with the local headlines before you’re ready to pinch it off. And if it takes that long to do the deed, then perhaps you need to think of increasing your fiber intake.

Also for the stalls, if you tend to go, how do I put this delicately, loudly, try to muffle yourself. It’s no fun for the rest of us when we think there’s an elephant next door.

And speaking of muffling, I know there are times a good “session” can feel really nice. Sometimes you have to go so bad that once you have the opportunity, it’s such a relief it’s almost joy. If you have one of these “sessions” outside your residence, keep the joy to yourself. When I hear some twit giving a loud sigh or prolonged AHHHHHH after doing some business, it makes me wonder exactly what is going on in there. And to be honest, that spoils my own reflection time.

At the urinals – You have to go, I know. I can tell by your pee pee dance. I’m here like most people to get in and get out as fast as possible and move on with my day. So keep that in mind when you hover behind like a black ops helicopter. Keep your distance and don’t move in the second I start turning to leave. I want to be done, but I don’t want to feel hurried or pressured because you had one too many cups of coffee Juan Valdez.

At the sinks – Ok, first off splashing water around for 10 seconds is not washing your hands. I don’t care how good your aim is, Wyatt Earp, you probably had some splash back. Throw a little soap on those hands and scrub a bit. And if you just walk past the sinks after you’re finished, please steer very clear of me.

On the flip side, you can go too far under the sink. I’ve seen people scrubbing up like they’re about to go into surgery. There cannot be that many OCD cases or germaphobes in the world where an intense skin peeling scrub session is the norm. Some of these cats use more soap and water than a laundry service. Take it easy Dr. House, just get them clean and wrap it up.

Tooting the horn – Can we also tone it down with the nose blowing, burping and cutting the cheese as well? I know what you’re thinking. The bathroom is the place for such bodily functions, if I don’t do them here, where can I? I’m not saying don’t do them, actually I prefer that. I’m just asking for a touch of decorum when you do. For instance, don’t blow that fog horn of a nose when you’re standing right behind me at the sinks, or rip one that sounds like a moose call as you walk past toward the stalls. I’m just asking for a slight bit of consideration of others on this point.

Personal grooming – Through years of conditioning we are trained to think of bathrooms as places in which you do personal grooming. But somewhere, the separation between personal bathroom and public bathroom has dissipated. And before anyone starts, I understand sometimes you must take matters into your own hands and handle these things in an emergency. I would call those exceptions, every rule must have them. I’m aiming at those who bring their toiletry bag with them at all times. I get it if you have excellent oral hygiene and want to brush your teeth after lunch or want to freshen up between flights. But let’s draw line there and save hair trimming, nail trimming, deodorant applying, ear cleaning, zit popping and any other assorted grooming for your home. I swear I’ve seen people walk into bathrooms with more personal grooming accoutrements than are found in a Walgreens.

Paper towels – When you wash your hands at home, do you leave the towels akimbo or thrown on the floor? No? Then why do it in public? Yes, I know there are people paid to clean the facilities, but they’re not in the restrooms all the time, and other people still must use them while wading through your wet, discarded paper towels strewn across the floor. Quit trying to be LeBron James and hit the 30 footer and just drop the towels in the basket.

Now those don’t seem to difficult do they? Yes? Ok, you’re privileges are removed smart guy, go find a tree. For everyone else, I just ask that we set these few rules in motion now and turn the tide of casualness in public restrooms. Let’s leave public bathrooms as they should be; a place of business. If we don’t, I for fear the day I walk in and get wrapped up in a conversation about the weather with some guy in pajamas.