I Did What?

Ron Artest revealed he drank at halftime of NBA games.

Andre Agassi intimated to everyone in his new book about his meth addiction, mullet hairpiece and playing tennis commando style.

David Duchovny is a sex addict.

Eva Mendes informed the world she had sex in all 50 states

Mackenzie Phillips felt the need to share that she had sex with her dad

Meredith Baxter used airtime on the Today Show, not sure how she got that, to let us know she’s a lesbian. I know, everyone under 30 is asking who?

Constantly I find myself inundated with the dirty laundry of the semi rich and quasi famous. And every time I ask myself why? What do these people have to gain from revealing their darkest, most sensational secrets? And who exactly cares?

Of course, the answers are because their fame is flagging and they need a fix of the spotlight, for money, and we care because it’s fun to see people more screwed up than us.

Everyone wants to make a buck exposing every side of themselves. Seemingly every day we're "rocked" by another pseudo celeb or fading star revealing some tawdry personal story in order to garner air time and move on to that 16th minute of fame. If the constant parade of celebrities looking to bare their souls on Oprah gets any bigger, she's going to have to install a turnstile. I have no idea what they'll do come 2011 when she strolls off into the sunset. Perhaps Wendy Williams will be available

And if it's not them, it's the nimrods trying desperately to stick their right foot into the celebrity pool. From the Balloon Boy and his idiotic family to the White House crashing reality TV hopefuls, I swear if you don't have some jagoff show treatment in your back pocket at all times, you must be un-American.

So I offer you my “confession”. I figure this will sky rocket myself right up the charts all the way to K – List, just behind Octomom, but just ahead of Dustin Diamond. Warm up your couch Oprah, I'm coming. And someone keep Larry King alive until I get there. I wanna snap his suspenders.

• Sometimes while cooking, I substitute for things called for in the recipe because I do not have the items listed, even though I have no professional chef’s training.
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• I shot the sheriff. But I swear I shot no deputy.
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• I’ve blown a snot rocket before. Not proud of it, but not ashamed either.
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• I cut the cheese and blamed it on the dog.
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• I once had sex in a moon suit. Or was it a moon bounce? I can't remember; I was so hopped up on lima beans.
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• Oh yeah, I found a way to get high from lima beans. Inexpensive and wickedly effective. So many lives ruined because of what I could do with basic produce.
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• I’m a jerk. But I only realize it when it dawns on me that I said hi to someone through some various form of communication and months have gone by without a response. So that makes me oblivious too.
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• I peed in the pool. Not saying when or which one. You gotta by the book for that good stuff.
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• I make my 7 and 7’s with Ginger ale. While I may not stick to the traditional mix, I find it much tastier and far more delicious than the norm.
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• As I have gotten older, I’ve found I produce too much ear wax. I’m thinking of starting a foundation for my affliction and others that suffer like me. The name that keeps popping in my head is the Ear Wax Watchdogs, or EWW.
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• I had a mullet once, but shamefully it was my real hair.
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• I make a wicked excellent guacamole. That’s not tawdry, embarrassing or particularly sensational but I am proud of it.
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• I do not have a cheese addiction. I can stop whenever I want. And no, I am not in an extra sharp cheddar induced state of denial.
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• Often I run into walls walking or turning a corner. It’s not from an altered state; It’s because I have the coordination of a 5 year old.

Is there much more? Definitely. Will any of them be 100% true? Possibly. Will it be more tawdry and salacious? You betcha. After all, there’s still the book, talk shows and radio appearances, a movie deal, a book sequel, more talk shows and the inevitable reality show to follow. That’s a lot of media to fill; but I cannot give it all away at once. I must save a few of the tastier nuggets for the rainy day to come when people either realize I have nothing to offer but embarrassing stories of a life poorly led, like Danny Bonaduce. Or they find a new flavor of the month with an even bigger, more shocking, tawdrier and more unbelievable story to tell and Larry King bumps me.

But I still maintain this is good for now. So I’ll just sit back, relax, and wait for the media to demand I come completely clean regarding my transgressions, all the while completely ignoring my privacy for their sensationalist journalism, much like they're doing to Tiger right now. After all, how can I remain in the public eye unless I create a media storm based on stupid behavior? Provide actual entertainment? Surely you jest.