Christmas Wishes 2009

I would like to pass on to one and all a very Merry Christmas to one and all. I hope everyone out there is able to be with friends, family and loved ones to partake in the celebration of the season.

I would also hope that if possible you have been able to help those who are less fortunate than yourselves. Lately, life has been a tough wench on many, and times they have been a long way off from getting better. Boy don’t I know it. But if you have good friends, a loving family, food and shelter, heck anymore that means you live like a king. And if you do, and can if possible, I encourage all to lend a hand to those who do not have such joys this season. I know that may not seem possible to lend a helping hand with things so tight and life so stressful, but always keep in mind that a little bit of kindness can go a very long way.

As I’ve said before, if this is not a day for you, then please enjoy the festivities regardless. I understand we all come from different backgrounds, cultures and religions, and even though I celebrate Christmas, I recognize that not everyone does. I do wish for those of other faiths to find happiness and joy this day as well. I would like to hope that in our world, there is more than enough joy to go around for everybody, regardless of age, sex, race, religion or culture. That would be a wonderful Christmas wish to come true.

So, in a tradition I let lapse last year, I would like to give you a small holiday chuckle. Years ago I found this gem, thanks to an email forward. Yes, sometimes those forwards are a gem. I always get a profound guffaw from this hilarious piece when I break it out fresh each December. I find it a fantastic merging of myth and science for comedic effect.

Before you read this, I would like to state for the record I do not believe any of this is true. The original author, whoever he or she may be, forgot to calculate in the magic of Santa Claus. Yes, scientifically it may seem impossible, but hey, we are talking Santa here! So do not worry, I know the following hypothesis is not true. If you have any doubt, please check out Santa Tracker from NORAD. I’m sure that will provide one of all the proof they need that Santa is indeed real. And I’ve been watching his progress all evening, so I know this article is not true. Now, without further ado, enjoy the following, but remember Santa is real. Merry Christmas to one and all.

Santa Facts

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa does not (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 Million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that is 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child in each home.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000^th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on Earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,000 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the payload to 353430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim), would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

I Did What?

Ron Artest revealed he drank at halftime of NBA games.

Andre Agassi intimated to everyone in his new book about his meth addiction, mullet hairpiece and playing tennis commando style.

David Duchovny is a sex addict.

Eva Mendes informed the world she had sex in all 50 states

Mackenzie Phillips felt the need to share that she had sex with her dad

Meredith Baxter used airtime on the Today Show, not sure how she got that, to let us know she’s a lesbian. I know, everyone under 30 is asking who?

Constantly I find myself inundated with the dirty laundry of the semi rich and quasi famous. And every time I ask myself why? What do these people have to gain from revealing their darkest, most sensational secrets? And who exactly cares?

Of course, the answers are because their fame is flagging and they need a fix of the spotlight, for money, and we care because it’s fun to see people more screwed up than us.

Everyone wants to make a buck exposing every side of themselves. Seemingly every day we're "rocked" by another pseudo celeb or fading star revealing some tawdry personal story in order to garner air time and move on to that 16th minute of fame. If the constant parade of celebrities looking to bare their souls on Oprah gets any bigger, she's going to have to install a turnstile. I have no idea what they'll do come 2011 when she strolls off into the sunset. Perhaps Wendy Williams will be available

And if it's not them, it's the nimrods trying desperately to stick their right foot into the celebrity pool. From the Balloon Boy and his idiotic family to the White House crashing reality TV hopefuls, I swear if you don't have some jagoff show treatment in your back pocket at all times, you must be un-American.

So I offer you my “confession”. I figure this will sky rocket myself right up the charts all the way to K – List, just behind Octomom, but just ahead of Dustin Diamond. Warm up your couch Oprah, I'm coming. And someone keep Larry King alive until I get there. I wanna snap his suspenders.

• Sometimes while cooking, I substitute for things called for in the recipe because I do not have the items listed, even though I have no professional chef’s training.
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• I shot the sheriff. But I swear I shot no deputy.
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• I’ve blown a snot rocket before. Not proud of it, but not ashamed either.
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• I cut the cheese and blamed it on the dog.
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• I once had sex in a moon suit. Or was it a moon bounce? I can't remember; I was so hopped up on lima beans.
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• Oh yeah, I found a way to get high from lima beans. Inexpensive and wickedly effective. So many lives ruined because of what I could do with basic produce.
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• I’m a jerk. But I only realize it when it dawns on me that I said hi to someone through some various form of communication and months have gone by without a response. So that makes me oblivious too.
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• I peed in the pool. Not saying when or which one. You gotta by the book for that good stuff.
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• I make my 7 and 7’s with Ginger ale. While I may not stick to the traditional mix, I find it much tastier and far more delicious than the norm.
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• As I have gotten older, I’ve found I produce too much ear wax. I’m thinking of starting a foundation for my affliction and others that suffer like me. The name that keeps popping in my head is the Ear Wax Watchdogs, or EWW.
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• I had a mullet once, but shamefully it was my real hair.
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• I make a wicked excellent guacamole. That’s not tawdry, embarrassing or particularly sensational but I am proud of it.
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• I do not have a cheese addiction. I can stop whenever I want. And no, I am not in an extra sharp cheddar induced state of denial.
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• Often I run into walls walking or turning a corner. It’s not from an altered state; It’s because I have the coordination of a 5 year old.

Is there much more? Definitely. Will any of them be 100% true? Possibly. Will it be more tawdry and salacious? You betcha. After all, there’s still the book, talk shows and radio appearances, a movie deal, a book sequel, more talk shows and the inevitable reality show to follow. That’s a lot of media to fill; but I cannot give it all away at once. I must save a few of the tastier nuggets for the rainy day to come when people either realize I have nothing to offer but embarrassing stories of a life poorly led, like Danny Bonaduce. Or they find a new flavor of the month with an even bigger, more shocking, tawdrier and more unbelievable story to tell and Larry King bumps me.

But I still maintain this is good for now. So I’ll just sit back, relax, and wait for the media to demand I come completely clean regarding my transgressions, all the while completely ignoring my privacy for their sensationalist journalism, much like they're doing to Tiger right now. After all, how can I remain in the public eye unless I create a media storm based on stupid behavior? Provide actual entertainment? Surely you jest.