Guide To Baseball Fans

Ahhhh, summertime is such a magical time of year. Full of adventure and fun, it is a time when people take vacations, see the sights, visit friends and family or just whittle the days away with a good book and a cold beverage. And at some point or another, most of us partake in one long time summer tradition the same as our parents, their parents and even their parents before them did. We take a day and head to the ballpark for some good old fashioned baseball. Perhaps not as old fashioned as it used to be. The players anymore look more like overgrown kids in pajamas than majestic athletic heroes. And the parks are so filled with advertising of every sort it’s more like being in a commercial. On top of that, with the constant music of every genre blaring, you wonder if the old time pipe organs of ballparks past have become extinct. And of course, you have no idea who on the diamond is pumped up with what.

But those things still cannot take away from the experience of a sunny afternoon at the ballpark. And it really does not matter which one you attend. From the multi-million dollar technological monoliths to 1000 seat dirt diamonds and everything in between, each offers a respite from the everyday grind and a sanctuary sit back, relax and a simple game kids from 1 to 100 can follow and enjoy. Plus, with the proliferation of minor league teams supporting major league teams and the expansion of semi-pro leagues throughout the country, anymore there is some park close to everyone. And each one offers that experience of grabbing some peanuts, crackerjacks and a program, sitting in the sun and watching the game unfold with friends and remember days of youth playing the same game. The parks are a place where you can relax and unwind while keeping score in the same way millions before you have done at thousands of games over the years. It is a way to connect to the past and yet stay in the present, since despite all of the added frills, the game itself has changed very little since its inception.

But one thing that has definitely changed over time is the fans. It seems now there are very few of them actually watching the game. Most spend their time at the ballpark wrapped up in their own little world. If you go to the ballpark, you need to watch out for these fans, as they will distract you from your enjoyment of the game and your escape from reality. Luckily, I have identified them in this easy to follow guide. Take this with you the next time you catch a game. Use it as both a wildlife guide to the fans and as a map to help you avoid getting stuck behind or beside one of them.


The Crystal Ball Guide to Baseball Fans:

The Grocery Store Family – You can find these fans in every section. They secretly schlep in enough food to last a nuclear winter in an attempt to avoid spending too much money at the concession stands. Yet they end up ignoring the goodies the trucked in and end up making repeated trips for hot dogs and French fries.

Distinguishing characteristics: bags of disguised food left untouched under their seats for the entire game. Usually also an Ants In The Pants (see below).


Souvenir Superfan – Very easy to spot, as this fan always brings a cache of souvenirs he or she has purchased at previous games. This fan has everything; hat, jersey, blanket, pennant, seat cushion, misting fan, mitt and much more complete their ensemble. If you see them before the game in the parking lot, their vehicle is appropriately decked out as well. Flags, stickers, magnetic logos, license plate frames, seat covers, dashboard bobble heads and more adorn their transportation, letting everyone everywhere know exactly where their sporting allegiances lie. While it seems they already have everything, at least once during the game they will find something to add to their collection.

Distinguishing characteristics: mounds of officially licensed team gear.


Team Scout – The Team Scout is one serious fan. Often bedecked in at least a team hat and jersey, the Scout spends the game with his own personal box score tablet, tracking every pitch, batter, hit, substitution and pitching change that occurs. To make sure nothing is missed, this fan will wear headphones and listen to the radio broadcast as well. He tracks every movement on the field more thoroughly than the team’s actual scouts or even opposing team scouts. He never goes anywhere without his season tickets and a mitt. Since the scout never leaves his seat, he usually brings enough peanuts to eat during the game to choke an elephant.

Distinguishing characteristics: extra pens, peanut shells around seat, ink stains on their hands, extra batteries, a mitt and a serious expression. Actually watches the game, but not for pleasure.


Visiting Superfan – Always a few of these sprinkled throughout the crowd, especially near the visiting team dugout. This overzealous fan either follows his team on road trips close to home or lives away from his team and counts down the days until they are close enough where he can see them in person. He knows every player and every stat by heart. Whenever something bad happens to his team, he is positive the umpires are favoring the home team and jobbing his team. Every good thing his team does is met with applause and some words of support and congratulations, usually said in a loud, booming voice that echoes through the stadium. An especially annoying fan if located on the home team side of the stadium.

Had a great run in with this fan recently, and he was all about his team. At one point, he was sure the umpire made a bad call that hurt his team, and he almost lost his mind yelling at the umpire. All the other home team fans around him almost lost their minds too making fun of him. During one plate appearance for a player on his team, he made the remark that the batter should “show them where you live”. I spent the better part of two innings trying to figure out what this meant. I still have no idea what this means. Did the player have an episode of MTV Cribs? Was his place in Architectural Digest? Did he have a local house and was the fan recommending he invite the home team over after the game for tea? So cryptic.

Distinguishing characteristics: visiting team gear, lack of concern or inability to discern which stadium he is at, obliviousness to fans around him.


Kid-arazzo – The street urchins of the ballpark. These kids, ages 8-58, spend the half hour before the game camped out on the railing next to the field in semi successful attempts to garner autographs from the players as they warm up. Most do not care who signs, just as long as they get signatures. Much like paparazzi, these kids will do anything to acquire a signature, even if it means inflicting bodily harm on themselves. Most are unsupervised by an adult, and out of the watchful eye of a parental figure they bounce from one player to another with reckless abandon, jumping over seats, tearing through aisles and running into people with no concern of the havoc their desperate bid for an autograph is wreaking. If you enjoy having a hot dog before the game and have seats near the field, these kids will disrupt your pregame ritual, and probably send your dog flying. Of all the tricks they have learned in grabbing signatures, the one they have yet to learn is how to say excuse me.

Distinguishing characteristics: well used sharpie, collection of baseball cards some with signatures, partially signed baseballs, clothing stained with soda and ketchup from the guy they tackled on the way to get the first baseman’s autograph.


Sloppy Drunk Guy – This guy is way too happy to be at the game. He comes early and proceeds to drink heavily. Typically there is some excuse involved, like he has had a long week and this is his reward or other such nonsense. By the third inning, he is hammered and then proceeds to spend the rest of the game hitting on creeped out women close by in his section. If one of the women is foolish enough to be nice or play along just a bit, she suddenly finds herself with a very attentive friend until the last out. The SDP typically travels in pairs, so often you will see two of them together. When in pairs, only one will be overzealous in obtaining female companionship. His wingman will spend the game continuing to drink and laughing at his friend’s failed attempts at wooing female patrons.

Distinguishing characteristics: half empty beer constantly in hand, loss of motor control, glazed over look, lame baseball themed sexual innuendos.


Angry Drunk Fan – A much more unpleasant derivative of Sloppy Drunk Guy, as Angry Drunk Fan makes everyone’s experience unbearable. He usually gets to the game way too early, gets plowed fast and then spends the next nine innings cheering on his team in such a way as to drown out the sounds and sights of the game for everyone around him. His lack of inhibitions cause him to wear his heart and love for his team on his sleeve, and he shows that he is a little bit too devoted. Because of his inebriated state, ADF takes any bad thing that happens to his team way too hard, and usually follows that with expletives directed at the closest umpire. An interesting variant of ADF is when he is mixed with Souvenir Superfan. This variant can at least provide high comedy when ADF tries to wave his pennant in celebration.

Distinguishing characteristics: multitude of empty beer cups at feet, voice hoarse from yelling by seventh inning, chin covered in dried spittle from yelling.


The Exhibitionists – This young, amorous couple find something erotic about the ballpark. Something about the venue, the game or even their seats creates a spark in them that causes them to be all over each other. They do not merely hold hands; they caress, whisper things in each other’s ears and make out heavily. The only thing keeping them from actual coitus is the arm rest separating their seats. This couples actions at some point during the middle innings will go so far that it becomes uncomfortable for those seated around them. Luckily, they usually leave soon after that, as the pent up sexual tension drives them to find some place more private, or at least one without seating hindrances.

Distinguishing characteristics: lipstick stained collars, disheveled clothing, and extra breath mints.


The Expert Roundtable – Here you find a group of buddies gathered together for an afternoon of baseball. There must be at least 4 of them so as to have a true discussion. They spend the game discussing strategy in every situation that develops on the field. The problem is, none of them has a clue about the game and real strategy, but all of them consider themselves experts. The funny thing is each one of them thinks the rest are nuts and has no idea what they are talking about, and are more than happy to tell the rest such repeatedly.

Distinguishing characteristics: pocket guide to baseball stats and records, list of sporting terms and buzzwords, air of sporting intelligence superiority.


Beach Ball Boy – Takes it upon himself to add some fun to the game, because who wants to sit and watch the game in peace? He feels as though the experience of going to a game is not complete unless you have a beach ball that has been touched by a thousand dirty hands slam into the nachos in your lap, splashing you with molten hot cheese and knocking your soda all over you. He is always packing a slew of beach balls on his person, hidden from the ticket takers and bag inspectors who would take them away before he could unleash them on the crowd. He spends pregame inflating them and the first inning sending them out in all directions toward unsuspecting patrons. Usually leads the booing when stadium personnel confiscate one of the beach balls.

Distinguishing characteristics: pockets filled with odd shaped pieces of vinyl, increased lung capacity, sporting good store receipts.


The Wave Guy – Not exclusive to baseball games by any stretch, TWG can be found at every sporting event. He really wants to be the one who starts the wave, to initiate this annoying item of fan participation. He has a large amount of pride in being the instigator of this tradition, and will not give up continuing the wave every time it dies is predicable death when everyone else in the stadium becomes bored of standing up and sitting down.

Distinguishing characteristics: The first one up and last one down on every wave.


Stars In Waiting – When you see them, you wonder if they even know what game is being played. They ignore everything happening on the field, as they spend the entire time looking for the cameras. When one appears in their section they go nuts. And if a camera points at them, they go absolutely ballistic. They spend so much time posing and preening for the camera, they only notice it is gone when someone behind them yells at them to sit down.

Distinguishing characteristics: Overly done up hair and clothing, fashions just a bit too current, no fan gear, always looking at the scoreboard to catch a glimpse of themselves.


Ants In The Pants – Always up and down, AITP probably only sit in the seats they purchased for maybe 1 full inning during the game. Usually they can be found in a group, most often in a family group with several small kids. Trips to the concession stand, souvenir stand, bathroom, to stretch the legs, take a call, and check their fantasy stats or just to stand up impede AITP from sitting still long enough to even see what is the current score. You name it; they do it at the park. All except watch the actual game.

Distinguishing characteristics: blocking your view. Often is crossed with……..


The Family Man – He wants to come to the game, but also wants to spend time with the kids. Has this idealistic vision of continuing a tradition of going to the ballpark with dear old dad he had with his father. Unfortunately, he never sees the game. He spends the entire time tending to the kids. Be it getting them food, taking them to the bathroom, getting drinks, keeping them still, playing games with them or just keeping them from screaming, TFM never finds time for his master plan. It was a good plan too, spending the afternoon with the kids and showing them the subtle details of the game, like his dad did with him. Gets so flustered his big plan has been stifled he vows to never bring them to the game again, usually to recant next summer when hope triumphs experience. Sometimes becomes so disenchanted he returns alone as Angry Drunk Fan or Sloppy Drunk Guy.

Distinguishing characteristics: laden with at least two bags full of water, blankets, toys and a million other sundries for the kids, smile when he arrives and a defeated scowl at the end, wistful hope in middle innings that maybe next summer will be different.


The Actual Fan - Very rare anymore to spot these creatures. They used to cover the landscape, now are a dying breed. You see them occasionally pop up on a section. They have a small amount of team gear and always have a program. They watch the game as they sip on a cold beverage, reveling in the relaxation of the moment and the thrill of watching their team. They know the score, but not usually the pitch count as that does not matter with the beautiful day and game before them. They cheer and applaud the good moments, and good naturely boo the bad ones. Will get up to use the bathroom or get a new beverage, but this happens once every few innings instead of once every few pitches. This person has come to watch the game and enjoy the day, just what were they thinking?

Distinguishing characteristics: Unknown. No actual fan is known to exist outside of monitored habitats. Many fear that they will soon be extinct, as many cannot live outside of protected sactuaries.


With this handy guide, you are now ready to safely enjoy a day at the ball park and avoid those who could ruin your day. Or sit there and people watch, snickering under your breath.