The Crystal Ball 2008 - Pillaging Oakland

So I’ve been thinking lately of the problems of the woeful Raiders lately. Don’t ask me why, I have yet to figure out how the human mind works. But specifically I’ve been thinking about the rumors swirling around poor Lane Kiffin. Apparently Lane’s job is on tenuous ground. Considering the recent history of the Raiders and their coaches, this should come as no surprise at all to anyone. Especially once you take into account Al Davis’ rather erratic behavior over the past few years. But more than a few rumors have been swirling around about Davis wanting to jettison Kiffin. I find this extremely odd, as Kiffin has been the only one willing to lead the steaming pile that is the Raiders. Even SI’s Peter King stated this off season he thinks Lane has a 50/50 chance of being in charge by training camp.

So what to do? What can the Raiders do at this point? All good head coaching candidates are spoken for, and even if they weren’t, who would take on this disaster? I advocated last year that the Raiders should hire Snoop Dogg. My reasons were sound, and it made a ton of sense. But do you think at this point Snoop will give up his lucrative TV show just to be the head engineer of this train wreck? Nope, never going to happen. So what is left? Hire a retread coach, find a small college coach itching for a shot at the big time, or maybe even find a name ex-player to put tushies in the seats? You could, but it would never work.

What Davis and the Raiders should do is hire me. When you think about it, it seems almost too brilliant. First, I’d come cheap. A big payday for me would be peanuts to an NFL team. They would get massive press by hiring someone with absolutely no football coaching experience. Sure, most of it would be negative, but how does the old saying go, there’s no such thing as bad press? We’d just steer right into that wave. I’d talk Al up for being the only owner brave enough to take a massive chance to turn around the fortunes of his team, unlike other crappy teams in the league that keep going to the same shallow well of candidates every year. I’d get the Raiders press department rolling overtime to spin this into a brilliant hire. I’d laud my own experience playing the game (albeit mostly as a backup in high school for a horrible team, but we need not mention that particular part) and my years of study under great football minds (ok, just my dad, but I’m telling you, he’s forgotten more about football than most people will ever know.)

Getting the job would be a cinch. I’d go for the interview wearing an Art Shell throwback jersey. That alone would be enough to throw me over the top. Hell, at this point Al is so out of it he might think he’s hiring Art again! If that does not get me a contract right away, I’d then go into a pre-planned speech. I’d tell Al how John Madden was the greatest coach of all time and it was a crime it took him so long to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I’d tell him how the league has never respected the Raiders, and never will and we need to screw every other team just to get back at them. I’d say how unfair that ’75 playoff game in Pittsburgh was because the Steelers did freeze that field, and that the Immaculate Reception is the biggest fraud perpetuated on the fandom of the National Football League.

Ok, this part might be difficult, since just writing it made me throw up in my mouth. Honestly, if I ever got to the point of getting an interview, I might have to do a severe brainwashing on myself A Clockwork Orange style just to put on Raiders gear without clawing at my skin and breaking out in hives. I’m no fan of sports bigamy, but to do it with the hated Raiders? Hmmm, I may need to ask for a bigger initial contract just to be able to stomach this job.

I’d finish off things by telling Al that he is in his golden years, and should not have to watch a crappy team every week. He should sit in the box, kick back, relax and enjoy the game. I’d take care of the rest in building him a high flying aerial attack he has longed for since Stabler suited up. Since this would just light up Al’s face, I know I’d be in like Flynn.

Once I got the job, well, then its time to get to work. Now, I know what you’re thinking. How the hell can you coach a team to success without being on the job once? No sweat. Head coaches anymore are more administrator than x’s and o’s kind of guys. Much of their time is spent dealing with the media, cajoling players, assuaging egos and working with the front office. They never have the time to do the things that got them into coaching in the first place, the nuts and bolts of game planning. By the time they get to the big seat, they surround themselves with excellent people who can get the job done while they are busy being the face of the organization. And that’s exactly what I’d do, with a few other wrinkles thrown in.

1 – Disconnect all phones in the owner’s box and Al’s office. No need to be disrupted when we’re trying to work. Those particular distractions seem to be what has short circuited other coaches in the past.

2 – I’d sit down with Rex Ryan and mend those fences. He seems to be a bit alienated in Oakland, and yet another new head coach would not help. I’d immediately promote him to Defensive Coordinator/Assistant Head Coach and tell him he’s in charge of the meat and potatoes of the team. I’d also tell him once we get this thing righted, I’m resigning and the team would be his. I’d have put that in my contract already unbeknownst to Al.

3 – I’d hire Norm Chow, the recently ousted offensive coordinator of the Titans. I don’t think Norm had a fair enough shake, and I know he can work with quarterbacks. I’d instruct him I want a high flying offense, whatever he can do with what we give him. Be as creative as possible. We’ve got nothing to lose here so go all out. I’d also hire Jerry Rice as a receiver’s consultant and newly retired Warren Sapp as a defensive line consultant. It gives them something to do, and coaching resume padding. By not being full time, it allows Rex and Norm to do their things unabated. And it gives the Raiders two big names to pimp early and often.

4 – I’d place a nice little call to Scott Pioli and ask him does he really want to be there when the crap hits the fan? Everyone knows its coming; you can smell it like bad fish. Why not find a new challenge, one seemingly impossible that could cement his reputation as the greatest personnel guy and GM of all time? If the ploy for glory doesn’t get him, and he plays dumb about the Patriots cheating scandal, I’ll just throw a ton of money at him until he submits.

5 – I’d redesign the Raiders uniforms to look more like the 70’s teams. Is it just me, or have they become drab and devoid of anything noteworthy lately? It’s like they suck out all light and color, and I think the will to live as well.

6 – I’d get the PR department working right away. It’s time to get the Raider logo out there and visible, on more than gang bangers and in discount clothing bins. We need to get people excited, and people involved. I’d steal Al’s rolodex and start calling old Raiders across the nation, and get them behind the team. If it took a sob story that Al was close to the end (which might be true) and all he wanted was a winner and to see his old boys backing the team again, then I’d do it. If I take the job as the Raiders head coach, being a lifelong Steeler fan, obviously shame has left the equation long ago.

7 – I’d spend night after night pouring over Javon Walker’s contract looking for loopholes so I can void it. They just spent too much money on a player who breaks down too easily and can turn into a malcontent on a dime. Yeah, we need a receiver for Russell, but not that one. If I can’t find any, I’ll orchestrate a trade for draft picks with the first chump who doesn’t say no. I bet Matt Millen would be interested, he loves receivers. Even better, I bet I could get Chad Johnson from the Bungles. With him making waves in Cincinnati, I bet I could get him for 40 cents on the dollar.

8 – I’d talk to the players individually and as a team. I’d find out if they were there to play football, collect a check or play Raider football. I want to know who wants to be part of something special and who just wants a job. Keeping their answers in mind, I’d go to Pioli and meet with him once he got to look over the roster. After that you’d think we were Crazy Eddie with the sale we would have. All overpriced, underperforming, collect a check guys gone, and I don’t care who they are. You’re either with us or you’re with the enemy. It worked for GW; it can work for the Raiders.

9 – Screw tampering, I’ll pay the fines. I’m getting Wes Welker, Joe Thomas, Lofa Tatupu and Justin Tuck. It’s time to use that cap space.

10 – I’d set Pioli in motion to find the best deals and players around league and in the draft to fill out the roster. High energy guys who can play but are not superstars who are often overlooked, these guys are the key to victory. If the Patriots can do it, so can the Raiders.

11 – Give Darren Perry a hefty raise – the defensive backs coach for the team is about to have his hands very full with the acquisition of DeAngelo Hall. He’s a good coach, and will need something to make the coming insanity in dealing with that potential head case worthwhile.

12 – We’re drafting Chris Long, period. This just makes too much sense to pass by. Chris is out to prove he can play. The Raiders need guys like that. Since Sapp retired, the Raiders have a big hole to fill. Chris could do that. Teamed with Tuck, suddenly the Raiders defensive line looks young and potent. The press would be glowing. Son of former Raider great becomes Raider too. We’d have stories written about the team until the season started. The PR department could focus on other things to pimp the team. And you don’t think the Fox broadcast is not going to take a few extra minutes to dwell on whatever team Howie’s son plays for this fall? Oh you know proud papa will want to chat about that! What better team for him to focus upon than his old team? This is not a win/win, it’s a jackpot.

Now, if all that does not get the Raider fan base excited, nothing will short of Al Davis relinquishing complete control of the team. There’s my plan, as you can see, it’s well thought out, doable with a few sticking points and ready to go. With this plan in action, we should top 6 wins, which would eclipse the last two years in victories.

You know what, on second thought, forget it. Why the heck would I even want to save the Raiders? I’ve had a tremendous laugh and reveled in their bumbling misfortune for years now. And if I saved them, who would I pick on relentlessly? Detroit? Not as much fun. Houston? Please, like anyone cares. San Francisco? No, because that’s just sad. Plus, I could never do that to Pittsburgh. At this point my skin literally crawls at the thought of slapping a Raider logo anywhere near my personage. And the more I think of it, nothing is going to save the Raiders at this point, not even this brilliantly constructed plan. Forget it Al, you’re on your own again.


Next Week: Some odds and ends regarding the crazy off season as we gear up for the draft.