The Crystal Ball 2008 Week 1

It’s here! Rejoice one and all the NFL season is officially underway! And with it the season brings all the pain, fun, joy, sorrow, elation, deflation and teeth gnashing that naturally comes with the delicious competition to be the next world champions.

It also brings, much to my delight, the full time return of The Crystal Ball! Yes, we are back, week in and week out until someone grabs the Lombardi Trophy once again. Here to entertain you is the only stop on the NFL tour, albeit a backwater stop, that continues its mission to prove you do not have to be tight with general managers, lunch with owners or have players texting you at 11pm on a Sunday night to be able to get a good bead on the world of the NFL. Be forewarned, though. With some major changes coming for our crack staff here, there might be a week or two, maybe three, when the pickings will seem mighty slim. Fear not, gentle reader, this will mean improved coverage overall and hopefully sharper observations, or at least funnier content. Well, as long as we have 85, the funny is here.

So take a tour through our newly revamped offerings. We have some old favorites returning, plus one or two new wrinkles added. Without further ado, here we go!


Opening Kickoff

The most pointless exercise of this time of year is the annual prediction columns that litter the NFL landscape. Everyone puts out their 2 cents on how they think the season will unfold, whether they are serious prognostications, witty or just plain crazy, you can barely scan a sports page without finding one. Well, to make things easier for everyone, here’s a few showing what you can expect from the National Football League in 2008.

- The Patriots will still be lauded as the greatest team ever, despite serious issues with their offensive line, secondary, linebacking corps and the Tom Brady Man-Bot.
- The Bengals will suck, again.
- So will the Raiders.
- And the Rams.
- And the Falcons, but that one was easy.
- Brett Favre will retire sometime before March, again. And then unretired. Again.
- Nor will he be the magic elixir that cures the Jets’ woes.
- Rookie quarterbacks starting for crappy teams will have at least 2.5 “Welcome to the NFL” moments per game.
- Mike Holmgren will look like a walrus.
- Matt Leinart will bore with trying to be the good soldier and throw a kegger with tons of college hotties by week 8.
- The Bills will be better than people think.
- The Browns will be worse than people think.
- So will the Jets. Jet fans are already saying this, but they don’t truly believe it.
- First team in the AFC North to 10-6 wins the division. Again
- Shawne Merriman will not play the entire season
- Michael Phelps will make an appearance at a Ravens game to much fanfare.
- And finally Roger Goodell will have to dirty his hands at least once dealing with some sort of off the field incident involving a Bengal, Raider or Cowboy. Yes, it could be from another team, but I’m going with the odds.

There, I made some predictions. I feel so dirty. Let’s move on.


Recap

Giants 16 – Redskins 7

See, there are benefits to waiting until after the Thursday night opener to post the column. I cannot say much about this game, as there is not too much to say. Other than Strahan firing up the crowd and introducing the Giants, and New York’s opening touchdown drive this game was pretty much a snoozer. Most of the time Eli and the offense looked bored and disinterested. They did whatever they wanted, but then near the end of drives they kind of fizzed. Honestly, the only reason I do not think they scored 50 points was because they were distracted by that giant Lombardi Trophy.

As for the Redskins, I’ll be honest I’m worried. They looked nothing like they did in the Hall of Fame game. Campbell did not look sharp at all, mostly rattled and confused. Zorn seemed overwhelmed in his first game as a head coach. The play calling was vanilla at best, they completely underutilized Chris Cooley and the defense showed effects of not being ready all night as Brandon Jacobs just tore through them. If they want to compete in the NFC East, they best step it up, and fast.

The best part of the game for me easily was the season’s first sighting of the mighty Ed Hochuli. Oh, how magnificent those pythons were on Thursday night.

And a quick side note. Did we really need to see Favre’s locker in Giants Stadium? Come on! Is that where Madden hung out during pregame? This just will not end.


The Steel Pit

Here we have a new special section dedicated to news about the Pittsburgh Steelers. I know what you’re thinking, and no the entire column is not always about the Steelers. But for those who wish to zero straight in on news from the Burgh, or the naysayers who prefer to avoid it, this will make things easier.

This week, just a few quick notes:

2007 starting center Sean Mahan, who lost his job to newcomer Justin Hartwig, was traded to Tampa Bay for an undisclosed draft pick. For a team that has not had many changes at the center position for 40 years, the Steelers now will have their third different starting center in as many seasons. Yeesh.

After their big discussion regarding the future of Steelers ownership with Commissioner Goodell, the Rooney brothers have not made any big moves. It still floors me that this story has flown so far under the radar even Barry Bonds had generated more headlines lately.


NFL The Alternative Universe

Returning again is one of my favorites, where we showcase the latest oddball stories that come from the world of the National Football League. And if you’ve watched any football in the past, you know there will be weirdness abounding.

85 did change his name! Chad Johnson is no more, long live Chad Ocho Cinco. Even better, the Bengals have announced they will recognize Chad’s new name and it will appear on his game jersey starting this Sunday. Oh happy day! Now, to be honest normally the kind of shenanigans 85 perpetrates would drive me up the wall, but for some reason I find the man fascinating and completely entertaining. But let’s be serious about the situation for a moment. While this is all well and good, and will provide the appropriate splash for Chad and the Bengals, one question does arise. What happens if he ever goes to a team that doesn’t have 85 available?

I’m sure everyone has heard the hilarity of the Rudi Johnson/Tatum Bell drama. If not, allow me a brief recap. Johnson, fresh from being cut by the Bengals, traveled to Detroit to sign with the Lions. Bell, who was friendly with Johnson and currently amongst the Lions running backs, was cut from the roster to make room for Johnson. Johnson upon arrival goes into a meeting with team officials to discuss his new home. In the process he leaves his bags outside of the room. When he exits, he finds all his belongings gone. The team investigates, pulling up security camera tapes to find, the bags were stolen by Tatum Bell. Bell has maintained he thought the bags were for another cut player and he was just picking them up. But upon their return, they were cleaned out. Sounds more like a case of bad blood and professional jealousy. Bell might have been able to get a job somewhere, but who’d want him in a locker room now?

ESPN.com NFL columnist Gregg Easterbrook has brought concerns several times regarding the activation of the Large Hadron Collider, basically a large atom smasher. He re-visited them again this week, as the collider is scheduled to go active next week. Mr. Easterbrook’s concerns lie in several areas, including cost to build and maintain such monstrosities versus benefits to society and what actual information we can cull from the exercise of ramming atoms into each other. But his main concern stems from the unknown; specifically that messing with sub atomic particles could bring a sudden and instant end to everything through a black hole singularity or possibly a retriggering of the big bang.

With all due respect, I don’t know why one would choose to fear that. If it all life, our planet or solar system or universe were to end instantaneously, how would any of us even know it? There would be nothing left to mourn. Well, except that I wasted that money making my car payment for the month and could have blown it in Vegas. It seems an irrational fear to me. If anything it would wipe our slates clean and we’d get to hang out with God. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me if the physicists in charge screw things up royally.

No what I fear is that we would be thrust into some Bizarro alternate universe where everything we know is just slightly different. Not enough to be completely screw ball, but enough where we know things are just wrong. A universe where Jack Tatum intercepts the Immaculate Reception, where Joe Montana overthrows “The Catch” and where David Tyree doesn’t hold that ball oh so tight to his helmet. I shudder to think of the horror living in such a world would mean. Now there’s a reason to leave the power switch on that particle accelerator in the off position.


Upon Further Review

Another returning veteran from last year’s campaign, this segment almost did not make the cut. While I did enjoy breaking out on subjects away from the action on the field, I found this section usually ran long, way long. To the point where I found myself having a severe case of thought diarrhea all over the page. But nonetheless, I have decided to trot it out again at least in semi-regular appearances.

Daunte Culpepper announced his retirement from the NFL today. Having unsuccessfully revived his once stellar career, Culpepper felt there was no room for him in the NFL and has decided to move on with his life. I find it odd that someone with Culpepper’s resume, and now finally healthy knee, cannot find a job in a league where we have teams with so many questions regarding the quarterback position. Green Bay could not use a steady veteran presence on the bench behind Aaron Rodgers, who as of now is backed up by two rookies? Or Baltimore, where their most experienced hand, albeit a questionable hand, is on injured reserve? Or Atlanta, where they’ll start their rookie phenom and back him up with Chris Redman? Really, Chris Redman is a better choice than Daunte Culpepper? I think Culpepper got a raw deal the last few seasons. He was unwanted in Minnesota, part of Brad “Chemistry 101” Childress’ house cleaning. He did not have much of a chance in Miami, dealing with the Saban fiasco, a deteriorating team and a less than 100% knee. Then he spent time with the Raiders, and good gravy how does anyone succeed there? Culpepper has had a bad bounce, and I wondered if he got a fair shake completely healthy if he’d return to form. Now, it appears we’ll never know. Good luck Mr. Culpepper.


Football 101

Something new I thought might be fun where here I, and the reader, learn something fundamental about the game of football. This could fizzle out fast, though, depending mostly on my interest level and time for research. But let’s give it a go.

This week, we look at a new rule change for the NFL this season, the elimination of the force out call. In the past, if a receiver caught a pass at the sideline and was pushed out by a defensive back, or their combined momentum took them out of bounds, then the officiating crew could call a force out and allow the pass to stand. Now, the NFL has changed the rules to say you must get both feet in bounds for a completion, no exceptions.

This rule change favors the defense, but what impact will it have on offenses? For starters, it takes away the edge of the sidelines. Receivers will need to be hyper aware of their surroundings and make sure they give themselves enough buffer room to get both feet down if they need to jump for a ball. Also, it will expose offenses that use sideline plays to get quick yards downfield. Will it hurt scoring? That is tough to tell. Some seem to think it will, and others are unsure. I think that after teams get used to the rule, they will just find a new creative way to get the ball downfield, as gifted offensive coordinators have always done.


Super Bust Watch

For those new readers out there, the Super Bust is a concept created to help fill the non football void during the week between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl. This game would pit the two preseason Super Bowl favorites that did not make the big game against each other the weekend before the NFL Championship. Brilliant in its simplicity, the Super Bust allows fans to have one more weekend of football, and show everyone that picking Super Bowl teams before the season begins is merely an exercise in futility. The Super Bust would have a permanent home in Las Vegas, allowing many fans who cannot afford a nice vacation for the Super Bowl or Pro Bowl a chance to get out and shake off the winter doldrums somewhere warm and fun. The list of benefits is never ending. These represent merely the tip of the iceberg of what The Super Bust could provide.

- A chance for two fan bases to see their team in action one more time before next season
- An added opportunity for one team to end their season with a win.
- Some extra earnings for players
- A chance for each organization to strengthen their team monetarily and physically with added income as well as additional draft choices
- An opportunity to show how futile picking Super Bowl winners before the season really is
- An extra football game when we really need one
- A weekend of football and fun in Las Vegas
- A perfect excuse to go to Las Vegas (like you need one anyway)
- An excuse to have another big game party, this one where the game really does not matter
- A chance to use the game as a warm up to your real party the next week for the Super Bowl. Try out those far out recipes you think may not work on the real game day. Almost like a Party Pre Season.
- Staving off football withdraw for another two weeks
- Another game for the NFL Network to air, giving more practice to both their broadcast crews and technical crews as well as increasing demand for the network itself
- Something for the sports media to talk about during the dead time when all other Super Bowl stories and angles have been beaten to death
- food and service industries seeing a bigger bump in production and sales, thus adding more stimulus to the economy
- Businesses around the world that have a stake in football seeing an increased profit, adding even more stimulus to the economy
- The advertising industry having another forum to debut killer commercials, almost like an exhibition commercial season
- Better play from the preseason favorites during the regular season, since none of them would want to play in the Super Bust

Still we await word from Roger Goodell that the Super Bust is a go. I’m sure he’d have some flaky reasoning like its wrong to embarrass the sportswriters who help promote and report on the games or that it would be an insult to the teams represented. The truth is, he knows it’s a brilliant idea and just hates the fact his office did not generate such a marketing coup. Regardless, we move forward.

AFC Representative: The New England Patriots

The Patriots had to go 18-0 last season to avoid the glory of playing in the Super Bust. And considering the Super Bowl, maybe they should have. This year, despite Brady’s mysterious foot injury, the most gut wrenching loss ever, a suddenly suspect and injury riddled offensive line and losing most of their defensive backfield that they even attempted pulling John Lynch out of moth balls; still most everyone loves the Patriots. And most everyone is picking them to go to the Super Bowl and win. What does that tell me? It’s Super Bust time for the Pats.

Alternate – The San Diego Chargers

NFC Representative: The Dallas Cowboys

Oh, everyone is super big on the Cowboys this year. Romo has matured more. They added Adam “Don’t even think of calling me Pacman” Jones. TO is leading their receiving corps. The defense is stronger. The running game is stronger. No one is paying attention to five very important facts. 1) The Cowboys have not won a single playoff game in 12 years. 2) The head case count on this team is rising, and driving up the potential that one of them will become a major league distraction. 3) Wade Phillips has never won a playoff game. 4) This is essentially the same team that got smacked down on their home field last year against the Giants. 5) Jerry Jones is still the owner, so the potential for nonsensical moves runs high. And that’s why they’re here.

Alternate – New Orleans Saints


Idiot of the week

Another old favorite returns once again, as each week we crown one person to be idiot supreme over all others.

This week, well, we have some pretty slim pickings. It’s too early for people to really have done some seriously stupid stuff. Although some would argue Chad Ocho Cinco certainly qualifies, as does Tatum Bell. For me, I’m going with Sports Illustrated.com. The website this week culled all of their football writers together and compiled their preseason picks for the NFL season. Division winners, playoff entrants, Super Bowl combatants and winners, various season awards for teams and individual players, you know the typical things people hypothesize about with no real idea how they’ll shuffle out before snap one has been hiked. And what did they call this little exercise? They called it NFL Crystal Ball: ’08 Predictions. So for stealing my title, you guys are idiots.

The runner up went to CBSSportsline.com for stealing Gregg Easterbrook’s all haiku NFL predictions column concept. But that does not affect me, so it gets second place. Sorry Gregg, love your work though.


On Tap This Week

I love the beginning of the season. Everyone’s record lies still and perfect, like untouched freshly fallen snow. And ours does as well.

Last week 0-0
Season to date 0-0

Hmmm, it’s just beautiful. Let’s dirty that up, shall we? Now I know in the first few weeks of a new season home field advantage means something, but there are more than a few match ups out there where picking the home team makes me cringe.


Thursday

Washington (0-0) at New York Giants (0-0)

Ok, I’m coping out. I picked the Giants in my pool yesterday, but thanks to a gimpy back (who am I Marvel Smith?) I did not get to post the column. But I maintain I went with the G-Men all along. And if you don’t like it, tough noodles.

Giants over Redskins


Sunday

Detroit (0-0) at Atlanta (0-0)

The sad tale of Atlanta continues anew. Another new coach and another new quarterback start another new season in which lies only hope. Mike Smith and Matt Ryan may one day turn this train wreck around, but not today.

Lions over Falcons


Seattle (0-0) at Buffalo (0-0)

Holmgren’s last year is bound to pump up the Hawks. But the team starts out with a shaky receiving corps, no clear number one at running back and going on the road against a Buffalo team that if left alone, IE Jauron doesn’t screw things up, could turn heads.

Bills over Seahawks


New York Jets (0-0) at Miami (0-0)

It’s Brett’s first game as a Jet! Oh my! Ugh, I can already hear the millions of overlapping voices endlessly talking about this, only to be quieted when they start up next week when talk shifts to Jets versus Patriots. The only way the Favre adulation will end is if we get to week 12 and the Jets are 3-8. This week, well, what does Miami have except Ricky Williams, Chad Pennington’s inside knowledge and the Tuna? The Jets may soon become the new Patriots for me. Not that they win, just no one will shut up about them.

Jets over Dolphins


Kansas City (0-0) at New England (0-0)

Even if the Brady Man-Bot is malfunctioning, he is still capable enough to defeat the mess that is Kansas City. Remember, like the Borg Brady is still effective even if you destroy 78% of him.

Patriots over Chiefs


Tampa Bay (0-0) at New Orleans (0-0)

The general consensus is the Saints to start off with a bang. I don’t see it. They added a few good pieces, and learned from last year’s mistakes, but I don’t think they’re ready. Tampa Bay seems in a better position, and New Orleans I’m sure is still a bit reeling from Gustav. If you don’t think that will play much of a role, you’re way off.

Buccaneers over Saints


St. Louis (0-0) at Philadelphia (0-0)

I keep hearing about the resurgent Eagles led by the now healthy McNabb. Maybe, but this is hardly a true test. St. Louis is a shell of its former self, and it’ll show. The Scott Linehan Job Watch begins.

Eagles over Rams


Houston (0-0) at Pittsburgh (0-0)

Yeah Houston has a good pass rush. Yeah Pittsburgh’s offensive line has a ton to prove. Whatever. They could start Favre and Brady with Deacon Jones and Merlin Olsen on the defensive line and I’d still go Pittsburgh. Please. Welcome to what may be Pittsburgh’s “easiest” game of the year. Yikes.

Steelers over Texans


Jacksonville (0-0) at Tennessee (0-0)

Until Vince Young shows me something other than scrambling ability, I’m off the band wagon. Sorry Vince. I’ve shown you love, but you gotta give it back too.

Jaguars over Titans


Cincinnati (0-0) at Baltimore (0-0)

Ok, last season these two nimrods faced off in Cincinnati. So I take the Ravens, since I knew the Bungles were a mess, and what happens? Bungles victory. This year? Yup, I’m dumb enough to pick the away team again. If only for two reasons. 1) The Ravens are starting a rookie at quarterback and will need their aging defense to win. I know, Flacco does have an awesome unibrow, but it’s no neck beard. 2) The Bungles have Ocho Cinco.

Bengals over Ravens


Carolina (0-0) at San Diego (0-0)

No Steve Smith? Nope. Carolina starts off with a loss, John Fox starts getting concerned about his resume, and Bill Cowher starts pretending that perhaps a studio job isn’t for him. The other point of interest here will be everyone watching Merriman’s knee very closely.

Chargers over Panthers


Arizona (0-0) at San Francisco (0-0)

Who’s watching this game except Matt Leinart? Wait, he won’t be watching, he’ll be scanning the crowd for out of town hotties. Ok, uhhhhh, Warner and company get it done. For no other reason than the 49ers are, let’s say, 5 years away. Maybe.

Cardinals over 49ers


Dallas (0-0) at Cleveland (0-0)

You can sell the Browns to me all you want, but I’m not buying. Anyone else remember last year’s Saints and how they fell super flat in the face of heightened expectations? Take a guess who fits that formula early? B-R-O-W-N-S that’s who. And the Cowboys are merely a strip club excursion away from creating more drama than the CW’s entire weekly line up. Still, I think they hold it together for week one. If the Boys lose, all bets are off for week 2.

Cowboys over Browns


Chicago (0-0) at Indianapolis (0-0)

Peyton has a gimpy knee and did not practice in the preseason. Jeff Saturday is out and a rookie center is starting. The Bears finally got wise and installed Kyle “Like my neck beard ladies” Orton into the starting line up. Could this be an upset brewing? Nope. Peyton will be rusty, but he’s still Peyton and I’d take him on one leg over most quarterbacks on two. The rookie will get help when needed from the rest of the line, and the team will be fired up by their new digs and Dungy’s last season.

Colts over Bears


Monday

Minnesota (0-0) at Green Bay (0-0)

Oh no, no Brett Favre! What will the Packers do? Look, they still have a good young defense and a stout running game. As long as Rodgers doesn’t throw some stupid pick, they’ll be fine. Although can you imagine the pressure he’s under? One screw up and his psyche might be shot. I think he’ll be ok.

Packers over Vikings


Denver (0-0) at Oakland (0-0)

Once again the NFL starts off with two Monday night games, and once again the second is a Pu Pu platter game. I think this one was scheduled because the ratings were skewed high because prisons across the country tuned in big last year. Yeah, the Broncos are on the downslide. Yeah, the Raiders spent big in the off season. I still think the results will be the same. After all, the Raiders suck

Broncos over Raiders