The Crystal Ball 2008 Thanksgiving Special

Welcome to the Crystal Ball Thanksgiving special. This time of year we feel the pull of gathering with family and friends for love, laughter, food and fun. And we use this time to reflect on the year that we have lived through, and count our blessings. We take this time of reflection to give thanks to all the good things that have happened in our lives, thanks that we survived the bad things, and thanks that we are able to get up each day coming forward for more good, more bad, more exciting, more mundane, just more.

Well, the world of the NFL is no different. While some gentlemen will be plying their trade tomorrow for our entertainment, eschewing turkey and stuffing for beatings and first downs, those playing and those preparing for the weekend also give thanks on this traditional American holiday. As you know we here at the Crystal Ball strive to bring you the inside information on the NFL that no one else dares, especially since smart alecky made up nonsense does not constitute real information. Once again for your holiday pleasure we’ve come through with a doozy. Our inside sources have combed the NFL universe to bring you….

NFL THANKSGIVING

That’s right we’ve found out what people in and around the NFL will be thankful for Thursday. So without further ado, take a peek at what those involved in this great game will be giving thanks for right before gorging themselves with turkey.


……….. Is thankful for……….


Mercury Morris – Brett Favre. But aren’t we all?


Mitch Berger – Paul Ernster. Real thankful.


Terrell Owens – Terrell Owens


Peyton Manning – Companies still looking for a goofy pitchman.


Bills fans – The team is somewhat successful and still in Buffalo, for the moment.


The Miami Dolphins – The Big Tuna and Joey Porter. Well, when he doesn’t yap on the field that is.


Ed Hochuli – Bowflex and the legion of inept officials working for the NFL.


Vikings fans – A weak division and the periodic table.


Jim Zorn – a chance.


The Cleveland Browns – being the most successful team in the NFL this season from Ohio.


Tony Kornheiser – Jaws restraining himself each week from popping Tony right in the mouth.


Ron Jaworski – self control.


Falcon fans - Matt Ryan, Mike Smith and new beginnings.


Ravens fans – John Harbaugh, Joe Flacco and new beginnings.


Donavan McNabb – Having a job, at least momentarily.


Andy Reid – Donavan McNabb. A scapegoat is always something good to have around.


Marvin Lewis – Chad Ocho Cinco. See Andy Reid.


The Carolina Panthers – no pressure because they remain under the radar.


Jon Gruden – his super cool collection of quarterbacks.


Giants fans – the best year ever! We’re all thankful for that, actually.


St. Louis Rams fans – only 5 weeks of this debacle left.


Chiefs, Lions, Seahawks, Texans, Bungles and Raiders fans – Same as above.


The Arizona Cardinals – relevancy.


Packers fans – at least they’re off the Brett Favre will he or won’t he carousel.


49er fans – Mike Singletary. At least he’s keeping it interesting, if only in the locker room and at the post game news conference.


NFL charities – Roger Goodell handing out fines more often than Joe Buck saying something stupid.


Jaguars and their fans – Richard Collier recovering and possibly having some sort of a productive life.


The Denver Broncos – Tanning machines and Norv Turner.


Jets fans – Brett’s lack of game screwing interceptions thus far. Yeah, feel good now, but they’re coming. Most likely in the playoffs, when it’s cold and he plays like a 39 year old man playing football in the cold.


Ricki Rachtman – Chinese Democracy. Maybe he can get another cameo in the new videos. I’m still thrown by the news of this album’s completion. Did Axl really release the album? Really? It’s so surreal. I think that’s the 4th sign of the apocalypse.


Norv Turner – the Spanos brothers not looking at his resume before hiring him, and that clock management is not a life dependant skill.


John Madden – Turducken. Of course he’s thankful for that everyday.


The Tennessee Titans –Playing Detroit this week.


Jeff Fisher – Kerry Collins.


Kerry Collins – Second chances.


Patriots’ fans – that lightning just might have struck twice.


Jerry Jones – The ability to turn blind eyes and Dr. Rey.


Bears fans – The power of the neck beard. I love to say it so I will again, I TOLD YOU SO!


Sean Payton – San Diego throwing Drew Brees away.


Al Davis – inmates not having regular internet access.


As for me, relating to the NFL I’m thankful for my super cool team, seeing a game in person, Hines’ House, and the remarkable ability to have an 8-3 record despite a rash of injuries and the NFL’s toughest schedule. I’m also thankful the Pirates are finally making news for something other than their constant losing. But I also look ahead, and here are a few things I hope to be thankful for in the coming weeks and months.


A quick end to the Giants/Jets super bowl talk - Good gravy I’m already sick of it, and it did not really start until this week.

The eradication of the term “pick six” – I have no idea who started this in reference to an interception return for a touchdown, but it’s everywhere used by every lazy broadcaster. What’s worse, some now refer to a simple interception as a pick six. Come on people, get creative.

Another Steelers Super Bowl – Hee hee, well I want that every year.

The complete meltdown of the Cowboys – It’s coming, especially with Pacman’s imminent return. Just wait.

Belichick’s motherboard melting – We could all stand that, especially since his programming has now worked on Cassel.

Al Davis remaining in charge and crazy – Name one owner more entertaining from a train wreck perspective, and I’ll take this off the list. Until then, viva el loco!


On Tap For Thanksgiving

Hey, another decent week.

Last week 10-6
Season to date 110-74

Now if I could have a few wicked good weeks, and get back near the top of the pool, I’d have something for which to be thankful instead of those goofy 8-6 weeks.


Tennessee (10-1) at Detroit (0-11)

Man the Titans played a crappy game Sunday. Detroit did too they came close to ruining their season! Detroit escaped, but Tennessee did not. I think both will be up to form and back on track this week.

Titans over Lions


Seattle (2-9) at Dallas (7-4)

Romo’s back! TO’s hot! The Cowboys are a force again! Yeah right. Oh wait, Seattle’s in town. Ok, they are. You think Holmgren will even try or just stand there scowling while dreaming of ice flows and penguins.

Cowboys over Seahawks


Arizona (7-4) at Philadelphia (5-5-1)

Despite the fact that teams traveling west to east have yet to win a game this season, and they lost Sunday, I’m still going with Arizona. I’ve said it before, but it cannot be emphasized enough. I CANNOT trust a team that cannot beat the Bungles in 5 quarters, period.

Cardinals over Eagles


Me (34-0) at Turkey (0-34)

I sense another championship performance.

Me decimating turkey


I would like to wish a happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope you find some joy and comfort with family, food and fun and something for which to be thankful. See you before Sunday.