Friday, September 26, 2008

The Crystal Ball 2008 Week 4

Hi all. I have just a short offering for you this week, merely a few quick hits and misses as the Lady K and I head for treatment for the dreaded DFS. Thank goodness Peyton and Eli did that commercial to warn the public.


Quick Hits

Woof that was some game the Steeler defense played. Shame it looked like everything they did punished the offense.

I give Roethlisberger a ton of credit. After a game like that, it takes a real man to stand.

Other than that, let’s just hope the extra day this week helps them come up with a solid game plan. Let’s hope it helps a lot.

Wow, I’m stunned Matt Millen is out of a job. I think Herm Edwards is too. Without the lightning rod of crappy teams is being hoisted by Millen, all sports writers looking for a team of which to make fun will be singing Kansas City here I come.

So, did the Ford family finally come to their senses, or just get back the incriminating evidence Millen has had all this time.

Mr. Henry Clay Ford, I put a plan in place last year when I advocated canning Millen. What I would do to turn around the Lions. Just so you know I’m still available and ready to get to work. Honestly, could I really be that much worse?

You know what would be really cool? If Al Davis hired Matt Millen! Is there anyway to make this happen? The Raiders then could properly compete for the title of the worst team in any organized, semi-organized, sand lot, playground and black top sport or activity EVER! Oh, it would be like Christmas coming early!

BRETT FAVRE’S ANKLE IS HEALING QUICKLY! Thank goodness! I was worried!

How about them Dolphins! Who saw that coming? I think we witnessed the official conclusion of Belichick’s deal with the Devil. We may all sigh relief now.

New England Patriot Ellis Hobbs took note, offense, and amazement at Patriot fans that streamed out of Gillette Stadium Sunday. The fans left at the beginning of the fourth quarter, long before game time ended but long after the game had been decided. Hobbs stated,

"Expectations are that high that we're not allowed a bad game or something like that. How many times has somebody had a bad day at the office? How many times has somebody missed a deadline and not gotten in the paper? Missing whatever, forgetting to fix their kids' lunch?"

No Ellis, rest your weary head. It’s not that expectations are that high, it’s that Patriot fans are nothing but bandwagon jumpers. And right now, their keen fair weather friend intuition is screaming, JUMP BAD TIMES AHEAD! Trust me, most of those douche bags were nowhere to be seen before 2001. Oh wait, they were somewhere, hanging outside Fenway Park sobbing, “when’s it gonna be our time, Lord?

In other news, former Patriot Troy Brown retired this week. Wow, everyone is turning their backs on New England! Is it my birthday?

A bench warrant has been issued by a Fresno County, California judge for the arrest of Bengals defensive lineman Jason Shirley for suspicion of drunken driving. Also right on schedule, just don’t call him Shirley.

You almost feel bad for Marvin Lewis. He stands up over the summer and says no more nonsense or trouble makers, and then the team resigns Chris Henry and now barely into the new season the cops are after Shirley. I say almost, because he could have looked for a new job.


Idiot of the week

I toyed with Matt Millen for the obvious reasons, but the man did just lose his job. And in this economy, that’s tough.

No, the more delicious idiot, and justified, is the Patriot fans who suddenly had something better to do at the beginning of the 4th quarter. Listen you jerks, your team is the most successful this decade. They’ve won 3 Super Bowls and been to a 4th. They are perennial post season fixtures and just came off the single greatest regular season ever put together. They have one really bad game, ONE, at the beginning of the season no less, and you turn tail on them that fast? This is your team! You are supposed to support your team, win or lose no matter what. No, you cats only support your team win or destroy the opponent. The first time you face adversity you head for cover. Shame on all of you, not just for this, but giving up on the season when Brady went down. I’m ashamed of all of you as fans, but at the same time glad. Without your pompous blow harding around, I might actually enjoy the season.

It is for these, and many many other, transgressions that you all capture this week’s honor of Idiot. Congratulations, you more than earned it.


Taking the Week Off

This week marks the first official week of bye weeks. Yes, Houston and Baltimore already had their bye, but that was because of Hurricane Ike and its devastation. This week we see the league giving breaks to teams because, well, some really need it.

Lions – We already know how Detroit is spending their week off, dancing in the streets at the news of Matt Millen being deposed. Sadly, this may be the best week Lions fans have all season.

Colts – Peyton will either spend a ridiculous amount of time in the film room and on the practice field, trying to catch up from missing preseason, or just film 3-4 commercials. What am I saying? This is Peyton Manning! He’ll do both.

Dolphins – Joey Porter will take the team for some relaxation on South Beach to celebrate Miami’s big win. Quite possibly the biggest they’ve had since a kid named Dan manned the quarterback position.

Patriots – Bill Belichick will be working the phones all week trying to get an extension on his deal with Beelzebub. Sorry Bill, that contract is expired.

Giants – Wait, the Gints have the week off too? Oh, Peyton’s definitely filming commercials with Eli. Hmmm, that’s a bit of suspicious scheduling….

Seahawks – Mike Holmgren ponders why he came back for this as he auditions Arena league receivers to fill out his depleted receiving corps.


On Tap This Week


Mind you, each week it takes some real effort to put together a good plan for Sunday and Monday. It takes thought, research, study and not a small amount of luck. Last week, well…..

Last week 8-8
Season to date 28-20

I do not think it was so much I did not put enough effort, although admittedly trying to pump my picks out an hour before the party I was hosting Saturday night is not the proper effort. No, I think it was more teams let me down. Well, they’ll pay this week, as I will turn my back on them faster than a Mass Hole on the Pats. So, who’s up first?


Sunday

Minnesota (1-2) at Tennessee (3-0)


I like how Tennessee is winning games. Stout defense, a tough running game combined with smart quarterback play. It’s a recipe for success. Minnesota managed a win with Gus Frerotte, but not on the road this week.

Titans over Vikings


Denver (3-0) at Kansas City (0-3)

Denver is bound to lose at some point by failing to pull things out in the end. Kansas City is bound to win sometime, the odds say they must. Just not this week.

Broncos over Chiefs


San Francisco (2-1) at New Orleans (1-2)

Hmmm, interesting game. San Francisco is off to a pretty good start. How real is it though? This will be O’Sullivan’s second big test on the road. He passed in Seattle, but barely. I think the Saints are a hair better than the Hawks. I’m still not sold, though.

Saints over 49ers



Arizona (2-1) at New York Jets (1-2)

WILL BRETT PLAY? Sure he will; his ankle will be alright. His mind, however, is wondering just why the heck he’s not sitting in Kiln sipping a lemonade. I wanna take the Jets, after the demoralizing win you just have a feeling. Especially since the Cardinals showed chicken late in last weeks contest. But I just don’t feel it.

Cardinals over Jets


Green Bay (2-1) at Tampa Bay (2-1)


The Battle of the Bays! I’ll take Bay Seasoning, thank you. Ok, seriously. The teams look even and good, but always go with the better quarterback. Who is it here? Hmmmm, I think Rodgers gets the benefit of the doubt.

Packers over Buccaneers


Atlanta (2-1) at Carolina (2-1)

Maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe Carolina is better without Steve Smith. We’ll see this week. I think the road is not kind to Mr. Ryan again. Especially if Carolina finds a running game.

Panthers over Falcons


Houston (0-2) at Jacksonville (1-2)

Uhhhhh, well, Mario Williams could have a big day. That’s a hopeful sign. But I don’t think they’re taking this one on the road. Maybe next week boys.

Jaguars over Texans


Cleveland (0-3) at Cincinnati (0-3)

Wait, it’s the new big thing of 2008 versus the new big thing of 2005! Guess which has worked out well. Right! Neither! Yeesh. I’m telling you, the Bungles win no games till Chad wears Ocho Cinco.

Browns over Bengals


San Diego (1-2) at Oakland (1-2)

Wow, there is life in San Diego after all. This is remarkably similar to the way they began the season last year, isn’t it? Their season will end remarkably similar as well.

Chargers over Raiders


Buffalo (3-0) at St. Louis (0-3)

Hee hee, yeah, Linehan’s saying St. Louis is going all out to win this game. Right. Like Trent Green is the answer to the problems. I feel bad for Green; he’s like the messenger on a battlefield they send after the first three have been blown up. He knows it’s coming too, but he grabs the satchel anyway. I have a feeling this won’t end well for Green. I know it won’t for St. Louis.

Bills over Rams


Washington (2-1) at Dallas (3-0)

Hmmm, Washington has some life and spunk. Oh, they’ll play tough this week. It won’t be enough to overcome the glare from Jerry Jones’ surgically refreshed face. Whoops, I mean the Cowboys offensive attack.

Cowboys over Redskins


Philadelphia (2-1) at Chicago (1-2)

Stupid Eagles. Why they gotta hate so much? And stupid Orton, really, you need one first down and the game is yours. Pffft, nothing, done, overtime, lose. The neck beard failed me. I have no confidence in it. Even if McNabb has no Westbrook.

Eagles over Bears


Monday

Baltimore (2-0) at Pittsburgh (2-1)

Baltimore is coming off its second win of the season and taking the early lead in the division and looking good doing it. Pittsburgh is now with a now hugely questioned offensive line, a banged up Ben and a rookie starting at running back for an injured Fast Willie. All on Monday night. Who would you take? Not me.

Steelers over Ravens

Saturday, September 20, 2008

The Crystal Ball 2008 Week 3

Welcome to another fabulous week of The Crystal Ball, where we always put the tires back on the car with only 3 lug nuts!


Opening Kickoff

The Ravens/Texans game was moved over the weekend to November 9th, and Texans/Bengals scheduled for that weekend was moved to Oct. 26 due to Hurricane Ike. There was too much damage to Reliant Stadium to make it safe for the teams and fans to attend. Our hopes and prayers go out to the people in that region who are working and struggling to put their lives back together after Ike’s wrath.


Recap

Ooooh! BRETT’S FIRST GAME SCREWING INTERCEPTION! Jet fans, you loved what Brett brought to the table, well, tuck in cause he also brings that nonsense.

Really Mangini, you could not do any better than that against a depleted Pats team? Who’s the bigger fool, them, or me for dreaming out loud?

Ravens/Texans moved to November 9th, and Texans/Bengals for that weekend moved to Oct. 26 due to Ike. Too much damage to Reliant stadium made it unsafe for the teams to play this week. I’m glad Reliant took the brunt and not the people.

How do you get called for false starts at home? I saw the Cowboys do it, and the Broncos did it twice in a row. Terrible discipline.

What a shootout on Monday night. I said early on it would be one of those games where the last team with the ball to score wins. Tony Kornheiser managed to say the same thing at the beginning of the 4th quarter. Nice observation three quarters into the game, Tony. I could do his job, for less cash and have a much better time with Jaws and Tirico. And Tony, just so you know, the only one who cares anymore about the TO/McNabb and Eagles split and feud is you. Let it go, the rest of us have even attention whore TO.

That game had everything, big pass plays, big runs, special teams heroics, a fumble recovery in the end zone and a combined final score of 78. The only thing missing was defense and that peeped its head on the Eagles final drive. The Eagles defense desperately needs to learn to wrap their arms when they go in to make a tackle. I hope they do not learn it before tomorrow.

The Eagles make too many dumb mistakes and choke up near the end of a close game. Not a good sign for a team looking to return to the playoffs. McNabb may not like to scramble any more. Perhaps he might enjoy throwing the ball away to save himself a sack and clock time. And come on Andy Reid, I mean really, a lateral on 4th and 17? That’s the best you can come up with?

Dallas is a horribly disciplined team. False starts, holdings, and tons of face mask penalties, those called and not called. I started thinking they were like the Raiders of the 70’s. A maverick owner who likes to collect high talent, high trouble players some of which might be on their last chance, a likeable coach, fevered fans, big fame and lots of flash the comparisons are almost eerie. But I didn’t realize how accurate that comparison was until I watched all the undisciplined and dirty plays they make.

You want proof, something to back up this observation? No problem, check this quote from Jerry Jones from his radio show:

Jones said Hochuli "is quick to the draw" on throwing flags. "His crew calls a lot of penalties. Maybe the answer is to tell people like that, 'Keep that whistle out of your mouth.'"

Besides the fact that Jones is a total twit and only sticking his nose in the Hochuli situation because he wants press to talk about him, why would he say this? Does he have a death wish? Quite possibly. Or does he already know he has an undisciplined squad that will invariably commit some penalty during a critical moment, and he’s setting up a way to blame someone other than the player, the coach or himself. Watch, this will happen this season. Dallas will lose a critical game at a critical moment because of some sort of personal foul, and Jones will blame the referee. I’d bet my next paycheck on it.

Speaking of dirty plays, someone check Brian Westbrook this week for whiplash.

Orton and his neck beard must learn how to finish a game. But how about those Panthers? I wrote them off for the first two weeks without Steve Smith. Goes to show what I know. I guess John Fox got tired of those Bill Cowher rumors.

Hey Bill, you like St. Louis?

The Rams are just sad. If Linehan makes it to the bye week, it would be a miracle.

Yes Ed Hochuli screwed up the call at the end of the Chargers/Broncos game. And yes, it was a great touchdown and super ballsy to go for the 2 point conversion. Fortune indeed does favor the bold. And it made for a thrilling finish to a big game. But let us not forget, if it were not for Denver partially collapsing and giving up 21 unanswered points, that situation would never have existed. And for that matter, it’s 2nd and goal on the 2 yard line. Why the hell is Cutler dropping back to pass? You have no one that can fly over the top?

At least Ed screwing up did one thing. It got Norv turner so fired up he showed life for the first time since, well ever. And Norv, I think you should be more concerned your defense cannot hold one team to less than 10 yards for two downs than what punishment Hochuli receives.

The Denver WR corps is set for a few years.

Seattle’s however, not so much. That team is just decimated. They’re nothing more than a MASH unit at this point, and the situation keeps getting bleaker. We might, and it’s early so I mean a BIG might, see the NFC West division champion Arizona Cardinals. I need to double check, but I think that’s the 5th sign of the apocalypse.

I’ll give Peyton Manning this, he refuses to lose no matter how bare the cupboard may be.

I thought KC would beat Oakland, a bitter rival. They were home, and while the team is a mess they still went strong against New England last week. But once I saw Herm Edwards auditioning quarterbacks, I knew I was screwed. Hey Herm, I thought you played to win the game?

I like the Pack and Rodgers moxie. They got a good lead, but relaxed and started to blow the game which is a bad sign, complacency is never good. What did they do after that? They nutted up and poured it on with the defense scoring twice. That’s the way to put away an opponent.

Oh, there’s the Jason Campbell I saw in the hall of fame game. .

I love a defense that runs with the mentality of tearing their opponent’s head off. But perhaps Paul Posluszny took that attitude almost too far. I was more surprise he did not twisted Maurice Jones-Drew’s head off.


The Steel Pit

Browns were lucky for the inclement weather, it helped fortify their defense. What a sloppy mess this one turned out to be.

Easily the worst part of game was Keisel injuring his calf and now he’ll be out up to two months. D line is already somewhat thin, this really hurts.

Although the defense as a whole did their usual shut down job on Jamal Lewis, so that’s a plus.

How about Chris Kemoeatu? Each week he keeps making me think, Alan who?

Big Ben was being very coy about his shoulder. I’m sure he’ll play, but I think it’s worse than he, and the team, is letting own. When he’d leave the field, he’d hold his arm at an angle and unstrap his helmet with his left hand. After the game he dodged questions about his shoulder from Andrea Kramer better than Justin Long vs the Globo Gym Purple Cobras. Something’s wrong, and I’m concerned with a big game this week and a long season ahead.

Mike Tomlin talking about a late hit on Roethlisberger that was not called, similar to one on Derek Anderson that was called as roughing the passer.

"They looked very similar to me. I don't cry about calls because you can't change them; ask Norv Turner."

Oooooh, wicked burn!


NFL The Alternative Universe

Ok, so I did not have all the facts on Vince Young last week. Vince apparently was mentioning suicide on Monday to a team psychiatrist and that’s what prompted the police to search for him. Look, if he’s having serious issues, he should seek help. But considering his statements afterwards, I think he just needs to get thicker skin. Vince, I know some fans can be rough, and a majority of them are liquored up douche bags who’d blanche if they had to do what you do. But you cannot let them get to you if you want to be a success.

The Lady K and I opted not to get Sunday Ticket this season, for a multitude of reasons. So for the time being we are stuck with network games. Our choices for the early games last week were the colossal Oakland at KC contest and the marvelous Giants at Rams collision. That might be the two worst games of the season, unless KC plays St. Louis. At one point, it was a competition between the games to see whose home crowd could boo the loudest.

Kornheiser, we get it. Dallas is a circus, and how bout them Cowboys. It was an interesting little piece during pregame. I didn’t need to hear a shorter variation of the same speech in the critical moments of the 4th quarter.

Cowboy cheerleaders are more famous, but Eagle cheerleaders are hotter.

A small note to Al Davis: Al, I know you’re contemplating canning Lane Kiffin. I do not blame you, because he is obviously the cause of ALL the Raider problems for the last 6 plus years. But before you do, let me ask you one question. If you can him who the hell would take the job? Obviously you didn’t want Rob Ryan in the first place, what makes you think he’d take the job now? Wow, it’s almost too sad at this point.

Brad Childress found his job in jeopardy, so he benched Tavaris Jackson. And what happens now in the NFL when a player has it rough? Their mom comes to the rescue.

"I don't think they really gave him a fair shake because, if you're running the ball more than you're throwing the ball, then how is he going to be comfortable with his position?"

Anyone else underperforming that would like to have their mommy defend them? Perhaps the entire Rams team? Howie, would you like to step in for Chris?

From the AP:

Oakland Raiders defensive end Tommy Kelly was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. Authorities say Kelly was booked at Oakland's Glenn E. Dyer Detention Facility on Monday and later released. Calls to the Raiders and Kelly's agent were not immediately returned.

The Raiders signed Kelly to a $50.5 million contract this year even though the veteran defensive lineman was coming off a serious knee injury that cut his 2007 season short. Kelly had surgery to repair a torn anterior cruciate ligament in his right knee.

Kelly replaced Warren Sapp as the anchor of the Raiders' defensive line.

Right on schedule.


Upon Further Review

Let’s be honest about this, yes Ed Hochuli made a bad call. He blew the whistle too soon and killed a play before all the facts were in. But officials in every sport make mistakes, just like players and coaches. It happens every game and by everyone. They are humans too, prone to error. But two things stand out in Ed’s defense. One, he did what officials are instructed to do, monitor the game in such a way to keep quarterbacks safe. And two, he owned up to his error immediately.

While it’s fair to give him bad grades for a bad performance, I find it a shame. People make mistakes, but rarely do you hear them admit to them. Every week I see horrible judgment calls by officials. How many obvious face mask penalties were made by the Cowboys Monday night were not called? Mistakes are made but it takes a real man to admit them.

To Ed’s credit, he has been responding personally to the vehement hate mail he’s been receiving from Charger douche bags, I mean fans and stating that he “failed miserably”. And the NFL head of officiating Mike Pereira has said that he has spoken to Hochuli and Big Ed has been devastated by this mistake. I think Pereira is mistaken. I think the truth is Ed is not devastated, but about to unleash devastation with his massive guns, starting with Charger fans and Norv Turner. Trust me, it’s gonna happen and soon. Oh, the news will call it an earthquake, but when it happens know it’s just Ed’s big pythons raining down justice.


Idiot of the week

Oh, could it have been anyone but the Eagles DeSean Jackson? Hell no! Jackson wins for his stupid tossing of the ball before hitting the end zone to begin a moronic celebration. Easily the dumbest thing I’ve seen on a football field. I know, he’s a rookie and he’s got some learning to do. But making sure you are in the end zone should be fundamentally ingrained since pee wee league.

Who loved it the most? TO of course. For all the heat he’s taken for end zone celebrations through the years, at least he was IN the end zone before he started up.


On Tap This Week

Ok, another solid week, I’ll take it.

Last week 10-6
Season to date 20-12

I need to do better though, and quit picking suckers!


Sunday

Kansas City (0-2) at Atlanta (1-1)

Oh look, a sucker! Herm “you play to win the game” Edwards is going this week with Coastal Carolina product Tyler Thigpen as his starting QB. What was KC jealous of Oakland’s lack of success? Amending games they win this season from 4 to 2.

Falcons over Chiefs


Oakland (1-1) at Buffalo (2-0)

Wow, the Bills could be 3-0 after this weekend, as long as they don’t get complacent and overlook Oakland. Wait what am I saying? No problems here.

Bills over Raiders


Tampa Bay (1-1) at Chicago (1-1)

What can I say? The neck beard will not be denied two weeks in a row.

Bears over Buccaneers


New Orleans (1-1) at Denver (2-0)

Denver is a sexy pick, and despite the potential for a letdown. But I wasn’t sold on the Saints at the beginning of the season, and I’m still not sold on them after last week’s dismal performance.

Broncos over Saints


Dallas (2-0) at Green Bay (2-0)

Oooooh, I like this one! The first real test for Mr. Rodgers, as the Cowboys invade his neighborhood! After last week’s test, something tells me the Pack will not be saying hello neighbor!

Packers over Cowboys


Houston (0-1) at Tennessee (2-0)

Houston is still rattled. And Tennessee is working on a winning formula.

Titans over Texans


Jacksonville (0-2) at Indianapolis (1-1)

That cupboard is getting mighty bare. Now the ultra dynamic, and ultra delicate, Bob Sanders is out with right ankle sprain. The Jaguars will be playing with their hair on fire. I want to take Jacksonville, but watching Manning last week, I don’t know how I can say no to someone who wills his team to win. Manning last week was Kurt Russell in Tombstone, charging through the river at Curly Bill yelling, NO! 10 bucks says he walks on water again.

Colts over Jaguars


Carolina (2-0) at Minnesota (0-2)

The Vikings have benched Jackson for 37 year old Gus Ferrotte. Wow, pretty early to hit the panic button. I don’t think it was Jackson who allowed the patchwork colt offense to score 18 straight points, was it? Childress, if you really want a proven veteran to bring stability, it might be time to suck up some pride and dial 1-800-CULPEPPER. In the meantime, I bet Steve Smith is itching to re-establish his dominance.

Panthers over Vikings


Miami (0-2) at New England (2-0)

From the Joey Porter prognostication desk:

“Throw the kitchen sink at (Cassel)…We’re going to come after the guy. It will be good to go out there and get our first victory.”

I still miss Joey.

Patriots over Dolphins


Cincinnati (0-2) at New York Giants (2-0)

Please. Is New York going to play one hard game this season?

Giants over Bengals


Pittsburgh (2-0) at Philadelphia (2-0)

Oooooh, this is a tough one! Ok, not for me, but I know everyone’s gonna lean on the Eagles. Not me. Pittsburgh defense is better and more disciplined than the Cowboys, and their offense can be just as explosive.

Steelers over Eagles


Detroit (0-2) at San Francisco (1-1)

I was done with Detroit when they lost to a rookie quarterback. J.T. O’Sullivan has more than enough to finish of Kitna. Maybe he’ll call another timeout to scream at coaches for his piss poor play.

49ers over Lions


St. Louis (0-2) at Seattle (0-2)

I hate to tell these teams this, but someone will have to win. Linehan will crack before the Walrus.

Seahawks over Rams


Arizona (2-0) at Washington (1-1)

Tough one, and I don’t like a home team starting to wake up. But I’m still going to go with Whis and crew. You saw him make fun of Pennington, wait until he gets his hands on Campbell.

Cardinals over Redskins


Cleveland (0-2) at Baltimore (1-0)

Cleveland’s regressing faster than a diaper fetishist, and Baltimore had a week off to keep pumping up Joe Flacco. John spends the game wondering what Brett’s doing right now.

Ravens over Browns


Monday

New York Jets (1-1) at San Diego (0-2)

Heaven help the one official who makes a call that goes against the Chargers. Honestly, the Chargers defense is a huge mess. If Mangini’s got an ounce of common sense, he’ll unleash Brett. I risking the week he has that ounce.

Jets over Chargers

Friday, September 12, 2008

The Crystal Ball Week 2

Brady injured in the 1st quarter, and now will be out for the season with a severe knee injury. September 7th officially to be known as Black Sunday. Peter King is inconsolable and Bill Simmons placed on suicide watch.


Opening Kickoff

What is the only story that could happen big enough to divert attention from BRETT FAVRE’S FIRST START AS A NEW YORK JET? (Yes, officially such Brett related milestones must be screamed from now on.) Tom Brady gets his knee wrecked and is on the shelf for the season. That’s it, that’s the only thing bigger.

My initial reaction? I won’t lie, I giggled like a school girl. Finally that arrogant jerk got some karmic payback, and more importantly, so did that cheating nimrod Belichick. Oh, I savored it for about two days, and laughed when they replayed the hit and got all fired up when you started seeing Patriot players alluding that the hit might have been dirty. I mean, can Rodney Harrison really sit on a soap box and comment on the dirtiness of any player? That man has more dirty hits in his past than a mob enforcer.

Plus I got to be driven to distraction by the Chicken Little screaming from sportswriters coast to coast, some who reacted in such a way you’d think Armageddon had hit. Take Peter King, for instance, in his Monday column.


Brady is everything you'd want in a football player. The work ethic, the leadership, greatness under pressure, focus on team before anything else, the poster-boy aspect ... And to have that snuffed out takes away so much of what everyone looks forward to all offseason.



Yes Peter we know Tom is the ONLY player that embodies those qualities. You did forget a few qualities though. The arrogance, the attitude, the smirking, smarmy comments regarding his opponents, you know the other men who constitute the National Football League. And you know what comments I am referring to, like for instance the comments scoffing the Giants and how many points they would allow the Patriots, the ones that got the Giants oh so fired up before the Super Bowl. But Peter went on, and I started to agree.


The entire AFC was looking forward to knocking the Patriots off, the TV networks had the usual number of big New England appearances, and the Patriots were a great draw, love 'em or hate 'em. Now, poof. It's gone.


No way could I argue with that. I personally was looking forward to a little payback from the drubbing Brady and Company laid on us last year.

But then as I learned more about his injury, and what’s to come, a tiny little flicker of pity started to form. I mean, he tore both his ACL and MCL. He has to wait until next month for surgery and after that he has 6-9 months of rehabilitation to go. It will be some time before he’s right enough to even walk normally again. That’s a tough road to hoe.

But then I saw the one thing, and only thing, that could actually make me feel bad for Tom Brady. Watching one replay of the hit, they showed footage of Tom lying on the turf with trainers hovering around him and checking his injury. The shot was a long body shot, with Brady’s feet at the bottom of the screen and his head at the top. I’m sure you have seen it. Well, as the trainers are looking at his knee, Brady’s head is raised up from the turf and watching the proceedings, and I saw something in his eyes I’ve never seen before. I saw fear.

For the first time since he exploded onto the NFL landscape, I saw fear in the eyes of Tom Brady. He had the look of a man who, for the first time ever, realized he’s human, with human frailties, and that he can be stopped. And it looked like that realization scared the tar out of him. That realization may be far more damaging than a knee injury. He now will face something he has never had to when it comes to his body, talent and abilities, the unknown. At that moment, I had sympathy for Tom Brady, and still do.

As for Belichick and those insufferable Patriots fans, they can cram it with walnuts.

But in the first day or two afterwards, I wondered as well could all this possibly be a sham? Hang with me for a minute and let’s look at things like conspiracy theorist numero uno Dale Gribble.

Commissioner Goodell finds evidence after Week 1 last season that the Patriots did cheat in their first Super Bowl. This information would obviously be devastating to the league. It would change the face of 3 seasons of the NFL, and put a permanent stain on pro football, one worse than Black Sox 8 scandal. There’s no way to change history without permanently destroying what football built. Goodell needs a way out.

So he, with the NFL brain trust, concocts a plan to create the ultimate football villains, the New England Patriots. By creating this “villain” the league can get all fans, diehard and casual, onto the side of the NFL and against the Patriots, creating a target for each team to hit, driving up ratings as everyone wants to see the Patriots get their comeuppance, and providing a nice distraction as to what exactly was on those quickly destroyed tapes.

So each week the Patriots get fed information on their opponent, what they do and don’t do who is healthy and who is not and the best ways to defeat them. They go on an historic winning streak, all the way to the Super Bowl. There, they are instructed to “lose”. Not outright, make it a game, but they must ultimately “lose” for the good of the NFL. Suddenly in the biggest game of the season every previously noted strength the Patriots touted became their weakness. Offensive line, quarterback and running game look rather pedestrian. Their all pro defensive backs “miss” interceptions and tackles. The Giants prevail, to much rejoicing as casual fans, die hards and the anti-Patriot base had been rooting for good to triumph “evil”

The new season looms, and the Patriots are ready to get back on track, but Goodell knows it is not over and one more punishment is needed. The Patriots must struggle this season to put the entire mess in the rear view mirror. So Brady is instructed to “go down” with an injury. If the Pats want to get back, they need to do it without Tom Terrific. They need to do it as a true underdog, in such a way that even the most vehement of haters could respect. This move creates much rejoicing once again, and the fans strongly bond with the NFL knowing karma has come back to bite those who embody bad sportsmanship. Now Goodell knows its risky putting the league’s biggest star on the bench, especially in a league based on the East Coast, but he took care of any potential media fall off already by “approving” the trade of the league’s greatest active quarterback to a New York based team. Everyone wins, and now Goodell only has to worry about is a new collective bargaining agreement and what to do about the Raider problem.

Too far fetched? I thought so too once I saw how Brady’s knee bent. But stranger things have happened…..


Recap

Wow, what a rough week to start the season. How many devastating injuries were there other than Brady? Nary had a team escaped week 1 without some major injury issue. Injury reports this week read like a Pro Bowl roster. Fantasy teams scrambled to regroup.

I just knew I’d pick the Cincy/Baltimore game wrong no matter who I went with. But the Ravens might actually have a decent quarterback for a change. The only thing I’d change is letting him run. I’ve seen defensive linemen run faster than Flacco. I haven’t seen a quarterback run that slow and awkward since Roethlisberger’s last scramble.

But disaster did not limit itself to players, teams felt it. Potential favorites fell by the way side in batches. The Colts, Jaguars and Chargers all lost in games they were favored.

Did I not tell you the neck beard rules all? Even I doubted its power by siding with the Colts in week 1. But the proof is obviously in the pudding. Nice game Orton.

I know Shanahan takes personal pleasure in sticking it to Al Davis and the Raiders, but did anyone else think he was being ridiculously foolish playing Jay Cutler in the 4th quarter? Did he see the Patriots game Sunday?

San Diego at home, crowd roaring, time waning and the Panthers march down the field to score the winning touchdown as the clock ticks to zero. Yup, Norv Turner is a brilliant coach. I know that failure falls to the players and defensive coordinator, but the team always is an imprint of their head coach. And their head coach does not know how to go for the kill.

I’ll give Shawne Merriman this much. He went out there for one week and realized he’s not the player he is healthy, wised up fast and opted for the surgery before doing irreparable damage. Now I’m behind his decision making. Here’s to a speedy, and roid free, recovery.

Jeff Saturday, on the other hand, may be playing with fire. I’m a big fan of Saturday, as I always have a soft spot for offensive linemen. And the Colts line needs some serious help right now. But I hope Jeff’s not rushing things by attempting to play this week. Think it through Jeff, for your sake.

Seeing Brett Favre in action for the Jets was not as weird as I thought. The strange part was watching him jump into the arms of Alan Faneca in celebration of a touchdown.

Hmmm, that Aaron Rodgers kid might do alright. Shaky start, but I figured once he had some early success, he’d feel his oats, the defense would take over and Ryan Grant would add the finishing touches. I must be Nostradamus.

Eddie Royal had a spectacular coming out party and a fabulous performance that no one but prisons and Bronco fans saw. Speaking of fantasy football, how many waiver wires lit up this week to grab this season’s Marques Colston?


The Steel Pit

I thought the Texans were going to surprise us. I read they were going to run all over our defense. I heard they were going to beat Pittsburgh 27-17. Did I miss the game? Cause that ain’t what I saw!

Pittsburgh engaged a football clinic Sunday, putting forth a thoroughly dominating performance in all facets of the game. The offense looked sharp from the beginning, and even with Ben jumping up gimpy at one point, he looked strong in going 13-14 for 137 yards throwing 1 touchdown and running for a second. Thanks to a stellar performance, Willie Parker now has 50% more touchdowns this season than last season. And Hines Ward, well, he was Hines Ward. That’s all you really need to say.

The maligned offensive line looked strong, giving up only 2 sacks all game in the face of fierce Mario Williams. Not too shabby when you consider this particular unit has only been playing together for a few weeks. Imagine what they could do once they gel and get to know each other better.

The defense was nothing but a force of nature. Multiple sacks, quarterback pressures and passes defended mixed in with a ferocious run defense that shut down Houston while they harassed Matt Schaub all afternoon. Troy Polamalu nabbed his first interception in far too long, and LaMarr Woodley grabbed his first of his career. I saw his potential last year, now everyone will see it this year.

My dad tried to convince me last year after the Steelers hired Tomlin that Pittsburgh would shift from the 3-4 defensive scheme to the 4-3 in a few years. Tomlin has worked with the 4-3 his entire career and obviously is a fan of that setup. My opinion was that while that may happen one day, it would be a ways off, since they have the personnel now for the 3-4 and the best coach in the league to run it. I am more convinced than ever after Sunday that any shift in scheme will not happen for a long time, especially when you have linebackers like Woodley and Timmons tearing through opposing offenses.

Even special teams chipped in nicely. Jeff Reed as typical got the job done on extra points and added a field goal, only missing a crazy 60 yard attempt at halftime. He kept the kickoffs away from their speedy return specialist, and our new punter Mitch Berger kept pinning the Texan offense deep all day and allowing the pursuit units time to get downfield and stop any potential returns.

I thought the game was a completely dominating performance, and many initial questions about this year’s squad were answered early and emphatically. If I had one complaint, it would be letting off the gas at the end. Yeah, the game was never in question, and no there is no need for humiliation of an opponent. That’s why we went to Leftwich time in the 4th quarter. Hmmm, it's still not as fun to say as we are on Charlie Batch time. But letting Houston score twice in the fourth quarter just did not feel right. Come on second team defense, I know you can shut teams down.


NFL The Alternative Universe

Like many, I was so excited to see Ocho Cinco stroll onto the field Sunday, and like many I was so disappointed to see him wearing C. Johnson. Per the NFL and Reebok, 85 cannot wear a new jersey until who pays for the production costs for the old C. Johnson jerseys have been determined. In the past, this cost has been passed on to the player, and for Chad, this could mean around $500,000.

What a crock. You know as well as I do they could just replace the name plate on many of them. This is just a stall tactic to avoid what no one in league offices wants to see. Chad walking out on Sunday with Ocho Cinco on his jersey and the first step toward XFL-ization of the league is underway. Free Ocho Cinco!

According to a U.S. appeals court, the family of legendary NFL announcer John Facenda can sue NFL films for misuse of Mr. Facenda’s voice. NFL films used a small snippet of the late Facenda’s voice for a show about Madden Football, and Facenda’s contract had specifically stated no use of his voice for commercial endorsements. Frozen tundra indeed.

How about the strange trip this week of Vince Young? So Young goes to the bench after a pick and stays there. Later he returns to the game but leaves again shortly thereafter. We find out afterward he’s hurt and will be out. He has an MRI scheduled, but never shows up. The Titans can’t find him, and call the cops. Turns out, he’s at a friends eating wings and watching MNF. Ok, strange. But then his mom speaks up to say he doesn’t want to play football, there’s too much negativity and he’s hurting inside and out. Later in the week, Vince say’s he’s ok, was never depressed and just needed to regroup. I think Titan fans are douche bags for booing Young, I mean he’s not doing stellar right now but he’s better than Brodie Croyle. And he’s much better for the future of Tennessee football than Kerry Collins. But come on Vince, man up. You work in a profession where you are in the public eye and thus face public scrutiny. Negativity comes with the territory. You don’t like what people say? Take that chip, put it firmly on your shoulder and hit the field. You are a professional, nut up. Life is hard, no matter what you do.

And Mrs. Johnson, Larry is not misunderstood. He’s an idiot. How else can you explain the actions of a man who acts as though he’s some bad ass who grew up in State College Pennsylvania? Maybe this is what’s wrong with our country. When we face adversity, we run home to mama. Why didn’t I think of that solution years ago?

You know the commercial on the NFL Network for the DVDs of America’s game? You know the one with Singletary, Elway, Cowher and Namath? Sure you do, they run it about 10,000 times a week. I’ve gotten to the point where I can recite it, word for word, with my eyes closed only going by the music cues to know when to start each speech. Either NFLN needs a new commercial, or I need to get out of the house more. I fear it’s both.


Upon Further Review

You can tell everything you need to know about the remaining NFL season just from what you saw in week 1. Seriously, it’s true. If you believe all the talking heads dissecting last week’s action, you need not watch the remaining 15 games. But before Colts, Pats and Jax fans cancel February travel plans, and way before Bills and Saints fans begin booking them let’s all take a deep breath and relax. The season is full of highs and lows, and the fortunes of every team ebb and flow from September to January. Except for the Raiders, those fortunes are on permanent ebb. And while we’re at it why don’t we debunk a few things that have been yakked about since the final snap of week 1. And remember, my one caveat for everything that follows is this: It’s only week 1.

Shift in balance of power between AFC and NFC – This might have some validity. There were 4 AFC/NFC matchups last weekend and the NFC took 3 of 4 with none of them close including the Bears wrecking AFC favorite Indianapolis. If there is a shift in power, most of it has landed in the NFC East.

New power balance in AFC – Ok, I love this one, because everyone is pointing their finger at the new proposed king of the hill, Pittsburgh. But honestly, let’s take a breath first. The Colts had a rough start, but they’re still the Colts. San Diego allowed a last second touchdown, it happens. And despite the loss of Brady, the Pats still won.

Philly back – Maybe, kinda, possibly. McNabb was on fire, even without Kevin Curtis in the line up. They looked strong and ready to reclaim their division. But come on, they beat up on the rapidly sinking Rams. They would have had better competition if they played the East Carolina Pirates.

San Diego done – No more than they were before week 1. Sure Merriman’s out and Tomlinson’s dinged up, but they’ll still be competitive. How can you not be in a division with the Chiefs and Raiders? Will they go to the Super Bowl? No, but they weren’t before. Everyone thought they might but kept ignoring one important fact: Head Coach Norv Turner.

Patriots done – Possibly, but not because they lost Tom. Look, we’ve all seen Belichick scheme and plan, and don’t you think he has worked on contingency plans in case he loses his meal ticket? I do. No, what will really kill the Patriots is the combination platter of disasters. Losing Brady is bad, but not insurmountable. Losing Brady and combining it with an aging linebacking corps, a patchwork secondary and a shaky offensive line that seems to have lost all confidence since being overrun in February will be too much to handle. The Patriots may end their season with no playoffs, but all blame will not fall on Brady’s knee.

Jaguars done – Oh, this might be the truth. They lost their best defensive lineman to Buffalo in the offseason. Then after the first week of the season they find themselves short up front on both sides of the ball, especially offense with 4 of their top 9 offensive linemen now on injured reserve. If they have no one to protect Garrard or plow the lane for Taylor and Jones-Drew, they’re screwed.

Seahawks done – not necessarily. Yes, they looked horrible against the Bills. But two things to remember: 1) they still have to figure out how to get the running game going. If they can jump start their backs it will help the offense go. 2) Their top 4 receivers are hurt right now, and Hasselbeck’s banged up. Once they heal, the offense will too. And in the NFC West, 8-8 could take it.

Jets the new AFC East powerhouse – Yes they looked good, and Favre was just MAGICAL. But remember two things. 1, they beat the Dolphins who lit nothing on fire last year. And 2, they needed an end of the game end zone interception to finish off Miami. Does not sound like world beaters to me.

Football is a violent game – duh. Brady and Vince Young go down. Roethlisberger and Romo get nicked up. Garcia is out this week. Nate Burleson and Jax guard Vince Manuwai tore their ACLs. Marques Colston is out 4-6 weeks after having a ligament in his thumb reattached. I’m debunking nothing here, just pointing out a sobering fact.

Broncos back – Quite literally, hold your horses. Yes I agree they looked sharp and prepared, and Eddie Royal looks like the real deal. But come on, they beat the Raiders. I know a few sandlot teams that could do that.

Titans back – I’m keeping the jury out until I see Vince Young back and doing something good. But Chris Johnson sure lit the world on fire. Boy, Kerry Collins is like a bad penny, he just keeps turning up. I wonder if he’s inspired by Nittany Lions resurgence.

Browns in trouble – Could be. Their defensive line could not get the kind of pressure on Romo the team had hoped, their secondary looks paper thin and Derek Anderson could get nothing going. And it never helps give your team confidence when they allowed Tony Romo enough time in the pocket to text Jessica all afternoon about their dinner plans this week. Depending on what they do Sunday night, it could be a very long season for the Browns.

Bears back – its one game. But the neck beard did rule all. And stop calling Kyle Orton a game manager. Why is that such a derogatory statement? If a game manager is all he is, then all he managed to do was win the game, on the road, against the Colts, in their new stadium. I’ll take that kind of game management any day of the week.


Football 101

This week we briefly explain and illuminate something not often seen but something that showed up in the Packers versus Vikings tilt. During an extra point, the referees called a leverage penalty. So what exactly is leverage?

The NFL rulebook, 2006 version as that is the most recent I could grab I’m not very connected, defines leverage as follows:

Jumping or standing on a teammate or opponent to block or attempt to block an opponent’s kick.

Placing a hand or hands on a teammate or opponent to gain additional height in the block or attempt to block an opponent’s kick.

Being picked up by a teammate in a block or an attempt to block an opponent’s kick.


When does this happen? On field goal and extra point attempts.

Who gets this penalty? The defending team, while they work to find a way to curtail the efforts of the offensive, or kicking, team.

What does this rule mean? Basically it boils down to this, if you want to block a kick, go for it. But do not use your teammates or opponents as risers or get someone to help you into the path of the ball. If this rule were not in place, we’d see 6’ 7” or taller guys jumping on the backs of down linemen in order to block kicks every week. It does not often happen, but the next time you hear a penalty called for leverage, you’ll know what it means and why. Save this nugget to impress friends and wow relatives.


Idiot of the week

This week we dishonor multiple 2007 winner Joe Buck. Mind you I am far from surprised he showed up, but I am surprised he grabbed the mantle so early. During the Cowboys/Browns affair, Buck early on went into a story regarding new Cowboy Adam Jones and his desire to no longer be referred to by his nickname Pacman. After this interesting, and already long over reported story, Joe continued calling him Adam Pacman Jones or sometimes just Pacman Jones. I know announcers have trouble with the curve balls certain players throw at them and lately that statement refers to one Chad Ocho Cinco. But it takes more time and trouble to go out of your way to call the man Pacman than not. Buck, once again you are an idiot. Welcome to 2008.

The runner up was Peter King. Sure, you could say it would be for his fawning of Brady, but I found this nugget tucked into his Monday column that drove me bonkers.


Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week - Sometimes I forget the things that annoy me on the road, and Saturday, at an NBC rehearsal for the 2008 TV season, Bob Costas reminded me of one.

At hotels now -- and this has been happening for four or five years -- when you order room service, the male or female waiter who comes to the door always asks: "May I come in?''

Which prompted Costas, coming off a month in a hotel in Beijing, to say: "May I come in?! No! I'll eat the meal in the hallway! What do you mean, 'May I come in?' ''

Good point, Bobby.

Wow Peter that is good point. How awful and annoying it is to have hotel staff act polite and courteous to their guests. How terrible it is that said staff be respectful enough to ask hotel patrons for permission before entering their room, making sure they are ready to receive guests instead of just barging right in. Wow that really sucks.

This man needs some real problems about which to complain.


On Tap This Week

We sullied our pristine record from week one.

Last week 10-6
Season to date 10-6

Not too bad, a fairly solid start for the opening of the season. But much more than solid will be needed for week two, as there are some great matchups already and some tough calls to be made. Without further ado…


Sunday

Green Bay (1-0) at Detroit (0-1)


Let’s see, Aaron Rodgers got to feel the joy of a Lambeau Leap, while Kitna and crew lost to a rookie coach starting a rookie left tackle and a rookie quarterback in week one. I had a Lion fan tell me last week, in the middle of their debacle, that he would never pick the Lions to win, he’s a realist. Now doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know?

Packers over Lions


Oakland (0-1) at Kansas City (0-1)

Wow, Javon Walker really made a difference in that offense. I feel bad for JaMarcus Russell. He really could be a good quarterback. But by the time anyone comes along to save him, he’ll have become so acclimated to losing he will not know anything else in life. The only people watching will be KC fans excited about one of their 4 wins this year.

Chiefs over Raiders


New York Giants (1-0) at St. Louis (0-1)

Be prepared for the Giants to put forth another snoozer. 10 bucks says they’re sleepwalking through this one, much like they did against Washington, by halftime. Linehan spends the second half working on his resume. It’s never too early to start.

Giants over Rams


Indianapolis (0-1) at Minnesota (0-1)

The Colts did not look good at all. Obviously, Peyton needs 4 weeks of preseason to get his timing down. And their lines looked bad as well. Still, I’d take Peyton over Tarvaris Jackson any day. Adrian Peterson could have a huge day, and if it’s big enough, never mind anything I said.

Colts over Vikings


Tennessee (1-0) at Cincinnati (0-1)


The Bungles will not win a game until the NFL and Reebok relent and allow 85 to wear his Ocho Cinco jersey. Or until they get better protection, Palmer plays better, Chad’s ouchy shoulder heals and they actually get a real defense. Whichever comes first.

Titans over Bengals


New Orleans (1-0) at Washington (1-0)

Ok, maybe the Saints got something going on. I’m still not buying it, and I do not see a real test this week. Woof.

Saints over Redskins


Chicago (1-0) at Carolina (1-0)

Nope. Not again. I doubted the Neck Beard once, and I will not make the same mistake again. Plus, Carolina would be opening at home 0-1 if it weren’t for some crappy coaching on San Diego’s part.

Bears over Panthers


Buffalo (1-0) at Jacksonville (0-1)

Oooooh, our first real question mark and our first really tough pick. Is Buffalo that good? Are the Jaguars that bad? I have no idea, but I know they are that banged up. Inspired to win at home will mean nothing.

Bills over Jaguars


San Francisco (0-1) at Seattle (0-1)

Yikes, this is a tough call too, but only because you have to wonder who’s the worse team. Hmmm, I guess we could say the noise at Qwest Field rattles J.T. O’Sullivan. Sure, why not.

Seahawks over 49ers


Atlanta (1-0) at Tampa Bay (0-1)

Matt Ryan did a nice job last week. But now the real test, how does he respond to a hostile crowd? I say not as nice. If the Bucs lose this, though, no more benefits of the doubt.

Buccaneers over Falcons


New England (1-0) at New York Jets (1-0)

I’ve heard the angle that this week the Jets will be able to exact their revenge for Spygate. Yeah, except that a significant portion of their team (read starters) played elsewhere last season and could give two snots about the Mangini/Belichick rivalry. But I’m a sucker for such things, and the Jets owe me for going with them in week 1 last season.

Jets over Patriots


Miami (0-1) at Arizona (1-0)

Ok, Miami has a bit of moxie for a change. But I still like Whisenhunt to harass Pennington all day long. Either with his defense or by himself, he seems intense enough that he’d find a way to get after Chad.

Whis – “Hey Chad, MAC quarterbacks suck, trust me I almost lost a Super Bowl because of one!”

Whis – “Hey Chad, Leftwich is playing mop up duty in Pittsburgh, and he’s still the better quarterback to come out of Marshall!”

Whis – “Hey Chad, is that your passing arm or a wet noodle?”

Chad – quietly sobs

Cardinals over Dolphins


San Diego (0-1) at Denver (1-0)

Ok, now we’ll get a real idea of how good the Broncos may be. Sure, a win here does not a season make, but it certainly puts them off to a good start. And we’ve all seen how the Norv Turner-led Bolts do not excel in September.

Broncos over Chargers


Pittsburgh (1-0) at Cleveland (0-1)

Hang on to your hats kids, a big prime time game with division and conference ramifications all over it! Can the Browns defensive line get through the rebuilt Steelers offensive line and harangue Roethlisberger? Will Big Ben be able to pick apart their secondary? Can Derek Anderson do anything against a resurgent and stifling Pittsburgh defense? The winner gets early dibs on the AFC North. If Pittsburgh is for real, this will go a long way toward starting talk about AFC domination, and backing up that chatter.

Steelers over Browns


Monday

Philadelphia (1-0) at Dallas (1-0)


Hang on to your hats kids, a big prime time game with division and conference ramifications all over it! Wait, didn’t we just have that last night? Oooooh, a prime time double dip of goodness two nights in a row, how'd we as fans get so lucky? Now we’ll see how good Philly really is. Beating up on the lowly Rams at home is one thing. Beating the Boys in their house is something completely different.

Cowboys over Eagles


Baltimore (1-0) at Houston (0-1)

Due to the impending Hurricane Ike, the NFL moved this game to Monday night. Good luck to all of you in the Houston area, and stay safe. Hopefully Ike will be a tike and not a tiger. As for the game, as I’m sure many Houstonians will need the distraction, eh, I cannot say I feel good about their chances. I mean, Baltimore knows how to beat up crappy teams, and I think many players might be a tad distracted, for obvious reasons.

Ravens over Texans

Friday, September 5, 2008

The Crystal Ball 2008 Week 1

It’s here! Rejoice one and all the NFL season is officially underway! And with it the season brings all the pain, fun, joy, sorrow, elation, deflation and teeth gnashing that naturally comes with the delicious competition to be the next world champions.

It also brings, much to my delight, the full time return of The Crystal Ball! Yes, we are back, week in and week out until someone grabs the Lombardi Trophy once again. Here to entertain you is the only stop on the NFL tour, albeit a backwater stop, that continues its mission to prove you do not have to be tight with general managers, lunch with owners or have players texting you at 11pm on a Sunday night to be able to get a good bead on the world of the NFL. Be forewarned, though. With some major changes coming for our crack staff here, there might be a week or two, maybe three, when the pickings will seem mighty slim. Fear not, gentle reader, this will mean improved coverage overall and hopefully sharper observations, or at least funnier content. Well, as long as we have 85, the funny is here.

So take a tour through our newly revamped offerings. We have some old favorites returning, plus one or two new wrinkles added. Without further ado, here we go!


Opening Kickoff

The most pointless exercise of this time of year is the annual prediction columns that litter the NFL landscape. Everyone puts out their 2 cents on how they think the season will unfold, whether they are serious prognostications, witty or just plain crazy, you can barely scan a sports page without finding one. Well, to make things easier for everyone, here’s a few showing what you can expect from the National Football League in 2008.

- The Patriots will still be lauded as the greatest team ever, despite serious issues with their offensive line, secondary, linebacking corps and the Tom Brady Man-Bot.
- The Bengals will suck, again.
- So will the Raiders.
- And the Rams.
- And the Falcons, but that one was easy.
- Brett Favre will retire sometime before March, again. And then unretired. Again.
- Nor will he be the magic elixir that cures the Jets’ woes.
- Rookie quarterbacks starting for crappy teams will have at least 2.5 “Welcome to the NFL” moments per game.
- Mike Holmgren will look like a walrus.
- Matt Leinart will bore with trying to be the good soldier and throw a kegger with tons of college hotties by week 8.
- The Bills will be better than people think.
- The Browns will be worse than people think.
- So will the Jets. Jet fans are already saying this, but they don’t truly believe it.
- First team in the AFC North to 10-6 wins the division. Again
- Shawne Merriman will not play the entire season
- Michael Phelps will make an appearance at a Ravens game to much fanfare.
- And finally Roger Goodell will have to dirty his hands at least once dealing with some sort of off the field incident involving a Bengal, Raider or Cowboy. Yes, it could be from another team, but I’m going with the odds.

There, I made some predictions. I feel so dirty. Let’s move on.


Recap

Giants 16 – Redskins 7

See, there are benefits to waiting until after the Thursday night opener to post the column. I cannot say much about this game, as there is not too much to say. Other than Strahan firing up the crowd and introducing the Giants, and New York’s opening touchdown drive this game was pretty much a snoozer. Most of the time Eli and the offense looked bored and disinterested. They did whatever they wanted, but then near the end of drives they kind of fizzed. Honestly, the only reason I do not think they scored 50 points was because they were distracted by that giant Lombardi Trophy.

As for the Redskins, I’ll be honest I’m worried. They looked nothing like they did in the Hall of Fame game. Campbell did not look sharp at all, mostly rattled and confused. Zorn seemed overwhelmed in his first game as a head coach. The play calling was vanilla at best, they completely underutilized Chris Cooley and the defense showed effects of not being ready all night as Brandon Jacobs just tore through them. If they want to compete in the NFC East, they best step it up, and fast.

The best part of the game for me easily was the season’s first sighting of the mighty Ed Hochuli. Oh, how magnificent those pythons were on Thursday night.

And a quick side note. Did we really need to see Favre’s locker in Giants Stadium? Come on! Is that where Madden hung out during pregame? This just will not end.


The Steel Pit

Here we have a new special section dedicated to news about the Pittsburgh Steelers. I know what you’re thinking, and no the entire column is not always about the Steelers. But for those who wish to zero straight in on news from the Burgh, or the naysayers who prefer to avoid it, this will make things easier.

This week, just a few quick notes:

2007 starting center Sean Mahan, who lost his job to newcomer Justin Hartwig, was traded to Tampa Bay for an undisclosed draft pick. For a team that has not had many changes at the center position for 40 years, the Steelers now will have their third different starting center in as many seasons. Yeesh.

After their big discussion regarding the future of Steelers ownership with Commissioner Goodell, the Rooney brothers have not made any big moves. It still floors me that this story has flown so far under the radar even Barry Bonds had generated more headlines lately.


NFL The Alternative Universe

Returning again is one of my favorites, where we showcase the latest oddball stories that come from the world of the National Football League. And if you’ve watched any football in the past, you know there will be weirdness abounding.

85 did change his name! Chad Johnson is no more, long live Chad Ocho Cinco. Even better, the Bengals have announced they will recognize Chad’s new name and it will appear on his game jersey starting this Sunday. Oh happy day! Now, to be honest normally the kind of shenanigans 85 perpetrates would drive me up the wall, but for some reason I find the man fascinating and completely entertaining. But let’s be serious about the situation for a moment. While this is all well and good, and will provide the appropriate splash for Chad and the Bengals, one question does arise. What happens if he ever goes to a team that doesn’t have 85 available?

I’m sure everyone has heard the hilarity of the Rudi Johnson/Tatum Bell drama. If not, allow me a brief recap. Johnson, fresh from being cut by the Bengals, traveled to Detroit to sign with the Lions. Bell, who was friendly with Johnson and currently amongst the Lions running backs, was cut from the roster to make room for Johnson. Johnson upon arrival goes into a meeting with team officials to discuss his new home. In the process he leaves his bags outside of the room. When he exits, he finds all his belongings gone. The team investigates, pulling up security camera tapes to find, the bags were stolen by Tatum Bell. Bell has maintained he thought the bags were for another cut player and he was just picking them up. But upon their return, they were cleaned out. Sounds more like a case of bad blood and professional jealousy. Bell might have been able to get a job somewhere, but who’d want him in a locker room now?

ESPN.com NFL columnist Gregg Easterbrook has brought concerns several times regarding the activation of the Large Hadron Collider, basically a large atom smasher. He re-visited them again this week, as the collider is scheduled to go active next week. Mr. Easterbrook’s concerns lie in several areas, including cost to build and maintain such monstrosities versus benefits to society and what actual information we can cull from the exercise of ramming atoms into each other. But his main concern stems from the unknown; specifically that messing with sub atomic particles could bring a sudden and instant end to everything through a black hole singularity or possibly a retriggering of the big bang.

With all due respect, I don’t know why one would choose to fear that. If it all life, our planet or solar system or universe were to end instantaneously, how would any of us even know it? There would be nothing left to mourn. Well, except that I wasted that money making my car payment for the month and could have blown it in Vegas. It seems an irrational fear to me. If anything it would wipe our slates clean and we’d get to hang out with God. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me if the physicists in charge screw things up royally.

No what I fear is that we would be thrust into some Bizarro alternate universe where everything we know is just slightly different. Not enough to be completely screw ball, but enough where we know things are just wrong. A universe where Jack Tatum intercepts the Immaculate Reception, where Joe Montana overthrows “The Catch” and where David Tyree doesn’t hold that ball oh so tight to his helmet. I shudder to think of the horror living in such a world would mean. Now there’s a reason to leave the power switch on that particle accelerator in the off position.


Upon Further Review

Another returning veteran from last year’s campaign, this segment almost did not make the cut. While I did enjoy breaking out on subjects away from the action on the field, I found this section usually ran long, way long. To the point where I found myself having a severe case of thought diarrhea all over the page. But nonetheless, I have decided to trot it out again at least in semi-regular appearances.

Daunte Culpepper announced his retirement from the NFL today. Having unsuccessfully revived his once stellar career, Culpepper felt there was no room for him in the NFL and has decided to move on with his life. I find it odd that someone with Culpepper’s resume, and now finally healthy knee, cannot find a job in a league where we have teams with so many questions regarding the quarterback position. Green Bay could not use a steady veteran presence on the bench behind Aaron Rodgers, who as of now is backed up by two rookies? Or Baltimore, where their most experienced hand, albeit a questionable hand, is on injured reserve? Or Atlanta, where they’ll start their rookie phenom and back him up with Chris Redman? Really, Chris Redman is a better choice than Daunte Culpepper? I think Culpepper got a raw deal the last few seasons. He was unwanted in Minnesota, part of Brad “Chemistry 101” Childress’ house cleaning. He did not have much of a chance in Miami, dealing with the Saban fiasco, a deteriorating team and a less than 100% knee. Then he spent time with the Raiders, and good gravy how does anyone succeed there? Culpepper has had a bad bounce, and I wondered if he got a fair shake completely healthy if he’d return to form. Now, it appears we’ll never know. Good luck Mr. Culpepper.


Football 101

Something new I thought might be fun where here I, and the reader, learn something fundamental about the game of football. This could fizzle out fast, though, depending mostly on my interest level and time for research. But let’s give it a go.

This week, we look at a new rule change for the NFL this season, the elimination of the force out call. In the past, if a receiver caught a pass at the sideline and was pushed out by a defensive back, or their combined momentum took them out of bounds, then the officiating crew could call a force out and allow the pass to stand. Now, the NFL has changed the rules to say you must get both feet in bounds for a completion, no exceptions.

This rule change favors the defense, but what impact will it have on offenses? For starters, it takes away the edge of the sidelines. Receivers will need to be hyper aware of their surroundings and make sure they give themselves enough buffer room to get both feet down if they need to jump for a ball. Also, it will expose offenses that use sideline plays to get quick yards downfield. Will it hurt scoring? That is tough to tell. Some seem to think it will, and others are unsure. I think that after teams get used to the rule, they will just find a new creative way to get the ball downfield, as gifted offensive coordinators have always done.


Super Bust Watch

For those new readers out there, the Super Bust is a concept created to help fill the non football void during the week between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl. This game would pit the two preseason Super Bowl favorites that did not make the big game against each other the weekend before the NFL Championship. Brilliant in its simplicity, the Super Bust allows fans to have one more weekend of football, and show everyone that picking Super Bowl teams before the season begins is merely an exercise in futility. The Super Bust would have a permanent home in Las Vegas, allowing many fans who cannot afford a nice vacation for the Super Bowl or Pro Bowl a chance to get out and shake off the winter doldrums somewhere warm and fun. The list of benefits is never ending. These represent merely the tip of the iceberg of what The Super Bust could provide.

- A chance for two fan bases to see their team in action one more time before next season
- An added opportunity for one team to end their season with a win.
- Some extra earnings for players
- A chance for each organization to strengthen their team monetarily and physically with added income as well as additional draft choices
- An opportunity to show how futile picking Super Bowl winners before the season really is
- An extra football game when we really need one
- A weekend of football and fun in Las Vegas
- A perfect excuse to go to Las Vegas (like you need one anyway)
- An excuse to have another big game party, this one where the game really does not matter
- A chance to use the game as a warm up to your real party the next week for the Super Bowl. Try out those far out recipes you think may not work on the real game day. Almost like a Party Pre Season.
- Staving off football withdraw for another two weeks
- Another game for the NFL Network to air, giving more practice to both their broadcast crews and technical crews as well as increasing demand for the network itself
- Something for the sports media to talk about during the dead time when all other Super Bowl stories and angles have been beaten to death
- food and service industries seeing a bigger bump in production and sales, thus adding more stimulus to the economy
- Businesses around the world that have a stake in football seeing an increased profit, adding even more stimulus to the economy
- The advertising industry having another forum to debut killer commercials, almost like an exhibition commercial season
- Better play from the preseason favorites during the regular season, since none of them would want to play in the Super Bust

Still we await word from Roger Goodell that the Super Bust is a go. I’m sure he’d have some flaky reasoning like its wrong to embarrass the sportswriters who help promote and report on the games or that it would be an insult to the teams represented. The truth is, he knows it’s a brilliant idea and just hates the fact his office did not generate such a marketing coup. Regardless, we move forward.

AFC Representative: The New England Patriots

The Patriots had to go 18-0 last season to avoid the glory of playing in the Super Bust. And considering the Super Bowl, maybe they should have. This year, despite Brady’s mysterious foot injury, the most gut wrenching loss ever, a suddenly suspect and injury riddled offensive line and losing most of their defensive backfield that they even attempted pulling John Lynch out of moth balls; still most everyone loves the Patriots. And most everyone is picking them to go to the Super Bowl and win. What does that tell me? It’s Super Bust time for the Pats.

Alternate – The San Diego Chargers

NFC Representative: The Dallas Cowboys

Oh, everyone is super big on the Cowboys this year. Romo has matured more. They added Adam “Don’t even think of calling me Pacman” Jones. TO is leading their receiving corps. The defense is stronger. The running game is stronger. No one is paying attention to five very important facts. 1) The Cowboys have not won a single playoff game in 12 years. 2) The head case count on this team is rising, and driving up the potential that one of them will become a major league distraction. 3) Wade Phillips has never won a playoff game. 4) This is essentially the same team that got smacked down on their home field last year against the Giants. 5) Jerry Jones is still the owner, so the potential for nonsensical moves runs high. And that’s why they’re here.

Alternate – New Orleans Saints


Idiot of the week

Another old favorite returns once again, as each week we crown one person to be idiot supreme over all others.

This week, well, we have some pretty slim pickings. It’s too early for people to really have done some seriously stupid stuff. Although some would argue Chad Ocho Cinco certainly qualifies, as does Tatum Bell. For me, I’m going with Sports Illustrated.com. The website this week culled all of their football writers together and compiled their preseason picks for the NFL season. Division winners, playoff entrants, Super Bowl combatants and winners, various season awards for teams and individual players, you know the typical things people hypothesize about with no real idea how they’ll shuffle out before snap one has been hiked. And what did they call this little exercise? They called it NFL Crystal Ball: ’08 Predictions. So for stealing my title, you guys are idiots.

The runner up went to CBSSportsline.com for stealing Gregg Easterbrook’s all haiku NFL predictions column concept. But that does not affect me, so it gets second place. Sorry Gregg, love your work though.


On Tap This Week

I love the beginning of the season. Everyone’s record lies still and perfect, like untouched freshly fallen snow. And ours does as well.

Last week 0-0
Season to date 0-0

Hmmm, it’s just beautiful. Let’s dirty that up, shall we? Now I know in the first few weeks of a new season home field advantage means something, but there are more than a few match ups out there where picking the home team makes me cringe.


Thursday

Washington (0-0) at New York Giants (0-0)

Ok, I’m coping out. I picked the Giants in my pool yesterday, but thanks to a gimpy back (who am I Marvel Smith?) I did not get to post the column. But I maintain I went with the G-Men all along. And if you don’t like it, tough noodles.

Giants over Redskins


Sunday

Detroit (0-0) at Atlanta (0-0)


The sad tale of Atlanta continues anew. Another new coach and another new quarterback start another new season in which lies only hope. Mike Smith and Matt Ryan may one day turn this train wreck around, but not today.

Lions over Falcons


Seattle (0-0) at Buffalo (0-0)

Holmgren’s last year is bound to pump up the Hawks. But the team starts out with a shaky receiving corps, no clear number one at running back and going on the road against a Buffalo team that if left alone, IE Jauron doesn’t screw things up, could turn heads.

Bills over Seahawks


New York Jets (0-0) at Miami (0-0)

It’s Brett’s first game as a Jet! Oh my! Ugh, I can already hear the millions of overlapping voices endlessly talking about this, only to be quieted when they start up next week when talk shifts to Jets versus Patriots. The only way the Favre adulation will end is if we get to week 12 and the Jets are 3-8. This week, well, what does Miami have except Ricky Williams, Chad Pennington’s inside knowledge and the Tuna? The Jets may soon become the new Patriots for me. Not that they win, just no one will shut up about them.

Jets over Dolphins


Kansas City (0-0) at New England (0-0)


Even if the Brady Man-Bot is malfunctioning, he is still capable enough to defeat the mess that is Kansas City. Remember, like the Borg Brady is still effective even if you destroy 78% of him.

Patriots over Chiefs


Tampa Bay (0-0) at New Orleans (0-0)

The general consensus is the Saints to start off with a bang. I don’t see it. They added a few good pieces, and learned from last year’s mistakes, but I don’t think they’re ready. Tampa Bay seems in a better position, and New Orleans I’m sure is still a bit reeling from Gustav. If you don’t think that will play much of a role, you’re way off.

Buccaneers over Saints


St. Louis (0-0) at Philadelphia (0-0)

I keep hearing about the resurgent Eagles led by the now healthy McNabb. Maybe, but this is hardly a true test. St. Louis is a shell of its former self, and it’ll show. The Scott Linehan Job Watch begins.

Eagles over Rams


Houston (0-0) at Pittsburgh (0-0)

Yeah Houston has a good pass rush. Yeah Pittsburgh’s offensive line has a ton to prove. Whatever. They could start Favre and Brady with Deacon Jones and Merlin Olsen on the defensive line and I’d still go Pittsburgh. Please. Welcome to what may be Pittsburgh’s “easiest” game of the year. Yikes.

Steelers over Texans


Jacksonville (0-0) at Tennessee (0-0)

Until Vince Young shows me something other than scrambling ability, I’m off the band wagon. Sorry Vince. I’ve shown you love, but you gotta give it back too.

Jaguars over Titans


Cincinnati (0-0) at Baltimore (0-0)

Ok, last season these two nimrods faced off in Cincinnati. So I take the Ravens, since I knew the Bungles were a mess, and what happens? Bungles victory. This year? Yup, I’m dumb enough to pick the away team again. If only for two reasons. 1) The Ravens are starting a rookie at quarterback and will need their aging defense to win. I know, Flacco does have an awesome unibrow, but it’s no neck beard. 2) The Bungles have Ocho Cinco.

Bengals over Ravens


Carolina (0-0) at San Diego (0-0)

No Steve Smith? Nope. Carolina starts off with a loss, John Fox starts getting concerned about his resume, and Bill Cowher starts pretending that perhaps a studio job isn’t for him. The other point of interest here will be everyone watching Merriman’s knee very closely.

Chargers over Panthers


Arizona (0-0) at San Francisco (0-0)

Who’s watching this game except Matt Leinart? Wait, he won’t be watching, he’ll be scanning the crowd for out of town hotties. Ok, uhhhhh, Warner and company get it done. For no other reason than the 49ers are, let’s say, 5 years away. Maybe.

Cardinals over 49ers


Dallas (0-0) at Cleveland (0-0)

You can sell the Browns to me all you want, but I’m not buying. Anyone else remember last year’s Saints and how they fell super flat in the face of heightened expectations? Take a guess who fits that formula early? B-R-O-W-N-S that’s who. And the Cowboys are merely a strip club excursion away from creating more drama than the CW’s entire weekly line up. Still, I think they hold it together for week one. If the Boys lose, all bets are off for week 2.

Cowboys over Browns


Chicago (0-0) at Indianapolis (0-0)

Peyton has a gimpy knee and did not practice in the preseason. Jeff Saturday is out and a rookie center is starting. The Bears finally got wise and installed Kyle “Like my neck beard ladies” Orton into the starting line up. Could this be an upset brewing? Nope. Peyton will be rusty, but he’s still Peyton and I’d take him on one leg over most quarterbacks on two. The rookie will get help when needed from the rest of the line, and the team will be fired up by their new digs and Dungy’s last season.

Colts over Bears


Monday

Minnesota (0-0) at Green Bay (0-0)


Oh no, no Brett Favre! What will the Packers do? Look, they still have a good young defense and a stout running game. As long as Rodgers doesn’t throw some stupid pick, they’ll be fine. Although can you imagine the pressure he’s under? One screw up and his psyche might be shot. I think he’ll be ok.

Packers over Vikings


Denver (0-0) at Oakland (0-0)

Once again the NFL starts off with two Monday night games, and once again the second is a Pu Pu platter game. I think this one was scheduled because the ratings were skewed high because prisons across the country tuned in big last year. Yeah, the Broncos are on the downslide. Yeah, the Raiders spent big in the off season. I still think the results will be the same. After all, the Raiders suck

Broncos over Raiders