The Crystal Ball 2009 Opening Stanza

Hark, what do my tired ears hear? Is that the sound of angels singing? What do my bleary eyes see? Are those people rejoicing in the streets? Why is the world surrounded by an envelope of unbridled happiness and joy?

Because the NFL has returned to us! Yes, after another long off season filled with baseball nonsense, political infighting and economic stagnation, the football world joyously returns to us to wash away our ills and bring smiles to children of all ages.

Ok, before you start in, yes, I know I have been noticeably absent as of late. So allow me to answer the question all of you have; just where the deuce have you been?

As you can imagine, I became a bit distracted after my last post. Watching the Steelers win the Super Bowl, while living in Pittsburgh, was beyond exciting. So that first week afterward was pretty much filled with parades, trophies and walking on a cloud that everyone around me seemed to share. It was manna from heaven.

After that, I luckily started an exciting new gig with some wonderful opportunities to learn and grow. It took me a few months to get my feet wet so that takes us to the end of April. I figured here’s a good time to put a nice bow on the season. Except, well, the Penguins captured my attention and held it firmly until they hoisted the Stanley Cup in mid June. So I walked around in championship euphoria, again, and watched another parade and trophy hoisting, again. Yes, the City of Champions is nothing but parades and trophies, unless you factor in the Pirates and right now, no one does.

So being mid June and considering how much had happened since the end of the season, I figured I would just wait until now when the cusp of good times is upon us. In the meantime, I visited some friends, went to the ballpark, explored the Burgh and hung out with the family. Not bad for a summer vacation, right?

I know, who cares let’s get to the good stuff! I could not agree more! The teams are back and gearing for the opener next week, and so am I. And I’m ready to provide you with the same half baked concepts, poor research, and less than wise acre commentary you’ve come to expect from such a quality product as this. And to start off with just such a concept, we’ll dive in this week by taking at look at how all 32 teams spent their off season with a little idea I like to call…


My Summer Vacation

Before you get scared I’ve gone off the deep end and plan an extensive report of everything that has happened to each team since February 1st, well obviously this is your first time here and welcome new friend. Nope, just the big stuff, stupid stuff or laugh your head off stuff applies here.


Buffalo Bills

In a bold move to gain offensive weaponry and potency, as well as bringing media attention and relevancy to little Buffalo, the Bills have booked the TO Show for a one season engagement. I actually love this move; the Bills needed something to get some attention in the press hogging AFC East. But I ask only one question. With an average quarterback, and an influx running game operating behind a rebuilt, and poorly operating, offensive line, how long before TO the great Season One teammate becomes TO the Season Two pain in the tuckus? I say by week 9. Wait, change that. Now that they fired their offensive coordinator, who then shot back that head coach Dick Jauron wanted him to run a “Pop” Warner offense, I say TO becomes a pain by week 7.


Miami Dolphins

Yeah yeah yeah, so what they have Jason Taylor back in the fold. Who cares about their division win last season? And Pat White potentially making the Wildcat offense lethal? Not interested. What fascinates me are all the celebrities that now own a piece of the Dolphins. With the Williams sisters, Jimmy Buffett and Gloria Estefan now minority owners of the team, it would be worth it just for the star sightings and built in half time entertainment! Wasting away again in Miami Dolphin Ville…


New England Patriots

Oh glory be! Tom Terrific has returned! Now the NFL world can once again resume spinning. Everything that happened since September 2008 means nothing because Tom was not here! Yeesh.

Ok, so the Pats are already favored to win it all, because Brady’s back, right? Let’s just ignore the fact that he hasn’t seen real game action in a year. The defense now has no real leadership since the losses of Mike Vrabel (traded), Richard Seymour (traded) Tedy Bruschi (retired) or Rodney Harrison (retired). And without Scott Pioli, Belichick has no one to keep him in check. Yup, sounds like a Super Bowl winning combination to me.

In other news, have you seen that Tom Brady now has his own logo? No wonder he’s photographed wearing what looks like tiny hats. The hats are not small; his head is just that big.


New York Jets

So the Jets get wise and fire Eric Mangenius. Then they made a decent move hiring Rex Ryan, who imported Bart Scott to lead his new defense. Which I love having those two out of the AFC North. But then they draft Matt Sanchez as their new savior at quarterback? I hate to break the news to Woody Johnson, but USC quarterbacks have not had the best track record in the NFL over the past few years, and yes I am including Carson “wow that hurts” Palmer and Matt “potential one year wonder” Cassel. The search for the new Namath continues…


Baltimore Ravens

Have the Ravens spent their off season trying to figure out why they couldn’t beat Pittsburgh in three tries last year? No. Have they made marked improvements to coaching, staff, schemes or personnel to make this happen? No. They spent their off season coming up with “clever” t-shirts expressing their disdain for Pittsburgh. Hey Suggs, the feeling is mutual. I wonder how much you’ll hate Pittsburgh without Bart Scott to help bail out Ray Ray.


Cincinnati Bengals

Everything you need to know about the Bungles can be summed up in two snippets. One, their high priced number one draft pick Andre Smith held out the entire camp to finally sign two weeks before the season, and promptly breaks his foot. And two, they allowed T.J. Houshmandzadeh to walk away in free agency, but spent big bucks resigning their punter. What more do you need to say regarding the direction of this franchise?

One other note: I dug Chad Ochocinco converting a PAT, but I’m disturbed by his Twitter addiction. Peter King of SI.com figured since April he’s averaging 63 posts a day. A DAY! Perhaps he needs an intervention.


Cleveland Browns

Ok, so they got wise and fired Romeo Crennel. But then they brain farted and hired Eric Mangenius. Then they got rid of Kellen Winslow, not a bad idea, but after Donte Stallworth decided while drunk and high it was ok to drive, that left them with Braylon Edwards as their only top flight receiver. If you can count a player who drops passes at the rate Edwards does as top flight. Honestly, I feel bad for Browns fans, I really do.


Pittsburgh Steelers

Gee, what could I possibly say about the whirlwind of an off season that took place for the 2008 champion Steelers?

Jeff Reed’s adventures with college chicks and paper towel dispensers?
Big Ben’s shocking civil lawsuit, that looks less realistic by the day?
The training camp rumors of the team signing Michael Vick?
Steeler great Rod Woodson’s induction into the Hall of Fame?
The campaign to induct Dick LeBeau into the Hall of Fame?
The finalization of the sale of the team to Dan Rooney’s newly formed ownership group?
Dan Rooney being named ambassador to Ireland?

So many different things could have defined the Steeler off season. But I believe their vacation can be summed up in one word.

Six.


Houston Texans

For the seemingly umpteenth year in a row, this is the year they make the leap! Except this year, we mean it! Yeah, ok. Wake me up if they are threatening to finish 9-7.


Indianapolis Colts

New head coach, new coordinators, and old coordinators, new receivers and a new defensive scheme. That’s a bunch of new for one team. How will Peyton cope with such unprecedented change? The same way he always does, with new commercials!


Jacksonville Jaguars

The team stocked up on tackles, but will that help Garrard throw better? With dwindling attendance in a small market and a backward moving trend, I imagine after this season either Del Rio will be fired or the team moved to Los Angeles. And considering the quagmire created by the potential areas in LA to host a team caused by their infighting, I’m betting on ol’ Jack hitting the unemployment line in January.


Tennessee Titans

LenDale White announced he dropped 30 pounds in the off season by cutting tequila out of his diet. Now that’s commitment baby! If it were just the tequila, how much was he putting away? But something tells me it’s the elimination of the after party trips to Taco Bell that really made the difference.


Denver Broncos

Honestly, what can you say about the Broncos? They alienate their starting quarterback; of course they do it while trying to acquire another one. Then bungle the make up process and end up shipping him away. After that they alienate their star receiver, who is now benched for acting like a two year old. All the while Josh McDaniels shows he has the acumen of a 15 year old playing Madden for the first time at running a football team. With the mess McDaniels has made, and continues to make, Denver may qualify for a superfund cleanup.


Kansas City Chiefs

Speaking of messes, your 2009 Kansas City Chiefs! So the Chiefs get hot new head coach Todd Haley, who with hot new general manager Scott Pioli gets hot new quarterback Matt Cassel. Sounds good, right? Except most of the team is under experienced or less than top tier talent, Cassel has already been injured and now right before the season Haley fired the offensive coordinator. If Pioli is going to turn KC into Patriots West, he’ll need a bit more going on. Perhaps, say, some old home movies from his ex-partner?


Oakland Raiders

So, the Raiders sign Jeff Garcia to push Russell, and then cut him at the end of training camp. Good plan. They throw wacky money at their first round pick, who will never amount to anything because A) Russell sucks and B) he now plays for the Raiders. On top of that, they trade a first round pick, most likely to be high and a commodity they desperately need, for a one year flyer on a player who has yet to even report to the team!

But the true icing on the cake is, of course, the reports that new head coach Tom Cable punched now former secondary coach Randy Hanson and broke his jaw. At last report, authorities and the NFL were investigating.

I wish I could make up stuff this funny, but without the sad and pathetic undertones.

It must be horrible to be a fan of such a poorly run organization. Then again, most Raider fans are probably more concerned with making bail anyway.


San Diego Chargers

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009 AFC West Champion San Diego Chargers. I know, you’re thinking how is this possible with Norv Turner is still prominently involved. Have you seen the rest of this division? Woof.


Dallas Cowboys

Tony Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson, but all is right in the Cowboy Land. TO is gone, and with him all the Cowboys problems. We might as well give them the Lombardi trophy right now. Without TO, nothing can hold them back. Never mind they have no clear number one receiver, or a head coach who cannot control the troops, or an overly meddlesome owner who has shown an adept inability to build a championship program himself, or an offensive coordinator who is way overpaid for his talent, or the usual December swain. Nope, no TO equals championship!

Plus, with such a snazzy new stadium, they have to win, right? Wait don’t tell me there is already something wrong with monument to the ego of Jerry Jones? That cannot be! I find it immensely amusing that Jones spent $1.2 billion on a cathedral of hubris, and within one preseason game, his centerpiece, the giganto scoreboard over the field, is already causing problems by being low enough for punters to hit it. Jerry, go have some more Botox and try to realize your ego may be huge, but it gives you no ability to successfully run a football team, please?


New York Giants

Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to being an idiot and shooting himself, and looks to be in the pokey for 2 years. Now the Giants are regrouping and hoping to find a new downfield threat, but so far no one has really distinguished themselves and with the deluge of receivers they do have, Super Bowl hero David Tyree has found himself trying to get a job with the Ravens. At least Eli has those sweet Oreo commercials with Peyton.


Philadelphia Eagles

Gee, what have the Eagles been up to with their summer vacation? Well, they let go of longtime Eagles Brian Dawkins, Tra Thomas and John Runyon. They brought in new tackles and reworked their offensive line. But that’s not what everyone will remember from their summer of 2009. No, everyone will remember they signed Michael Vick. Heck, Andy Reid could have danced the Watusi on the Schuylkill in a tutu and it would have barely registered a blip on the NFL radar.


Washington Redskins

Dan Snyder’s deep pockets struck again by having a spending spree and putting a fat contract in front of DT Albert Haynesworth. Yeah that’ll push you over the top, an injury prone defensive lineman that always comes off the field on passing downs. You figured out the missing piece Dan! Do you ever wonder if Dan and Jerry Jones have a running bet to see who can spend the most yet still be the most incompetent? I do, but I’ll be darned if I could pick a clear winner.


Chicago Bears

Gee, what did the Bears do? Oh yeah, they acquired “franchise” quarterback Jay “Pampers” Cutler. So what? What has he done? His record as a starter is 17-20. He has yet to win a playoff game, let alone appear in one. When he was in control of a playoff caliber team, he promptly drove them into the ground and out of contention. And don't give me the tired line that he hasn’t had a good defense with which to play. Well, a better quarterback wouldn't fumble the ball trying to throw it WITH NO ONE TOUCHING HIM. Win games, not make excuses.

I hear repeatedly that he’s a franchise quarterback, but here’s what I see. A petulant man-child, who will not inspire those to follow thanks to his track record of giving up when the going gets tough. Now he is saddled with the expectation as a franchise quarterback for a team who has not had anything resembling such in 20 years and is expected to go take them to, at the minimum, the playoffs. Yet this team now consists of an aging defense, porous secondary, questionable receivers and a left tackle whose prime was many moons ago. As a matter of fact, I will tell you right now, Orlando Pace cannot keep up with smaller, faster defensive ends and linebackers, and that lost ability will cause Cutler much pain, and Bears fans much gnashing of teeth. I see another losing record in Cutler’s near future.


Detroit Lions

Ok guys, you have a new coach, new players, a fresh outlook and perspective and two time Super Bowl champion LB Larry Foote anchoring your defense. All you have to do is win one, lousy, game. Hey, that's all the Redwings needed to do as well and failed! Awww, too soon???

The Lions also unveiled, as part of their turning around process I suppose, a new, fiercer looking lion logo. I know you want to scoff at such a ridiculous move when they have so many other problems, but don’t laugh. The Cardinals did the exact same thing a few years ago and look what happened to them.


Green Bay Packers

A new defensive scheme, healthy players, a wickedly good preseason thus far and a year removed from starring in As The Favre Turns. In a division where every other team has been making some huge headlines, Green Bay has quietly set themselves up as a viable threat to win the division. That is, of course, if they do not get derailed by their two guest spots this season in the Favre circus.


Minnesota Vikings

Now starring in As The Favre Turns, the 2009 Minnesota Vikings! Gee, where do we start? Let’s start with the ridiculous Brad Childress who, with the ink still wet on his pact with the devil, chauffeured Brett from the airport to camp. And what’s with Childress’ beard? Is he trying to look all manly like Brett? And Brad, one key piece of advice; do NOT put your 40 year old starting quarterback at wide receiver and send him up the field to block. Bad things will happen. I’m surprised I had to say that.

You know, Brett Favre returning yet again is like a WWE storyline. Wait, that works. Think about it, Favre is Hulk Hogan.

Both are old and graying, have obviously lost a step but cover it up with a few electrifying performances thrown in now and again.

Both are real American heroes loved by all until they turned bad. In Hogan’s case he became bad by joining the NWO. In Favre’s case by throwing away good will by constantly waffling regarding retirement and then tearing out the hearts of the Packer faithful by signing with Minnesota.

The only way at this point his saga could really entertain me is if during his already hyped return to Lambeau Field, Favre comes out of the tunnel, rips off his Viking jersey to reveal a green and gold Packers number 4 jersey and then trots triumphantly to the home sideline. But of course, if this were a true WWE storyline, Aaron Rodgers would then coldcock Favre.

Does anyone remember last year, when I predicted the Favre led Jets wouldn’t win the Super Bowl, or even go to the playoffs? I do. Hey Viking fans, I have bad news for you. Despite all the talk and predictions, you will not win the Super Bowl, and will be lucky to make the playoffs. Starring in As The Favre Turns only assures us of the following: Another Favre hot streak followed by a late season swoon when he inevitably tires out, another coach fired and rightfully so, another teary retirement in March followed by yet another team courting him and eventually capitulating to his ridiculous media starved demands. And then mercifully, we’ll be one year closer to Favre’s inevitable signing with the Raiders.

Hey commissioner Goodell, can we get a provision in the new CBA about the number of times a player is allowed to retire, waffle for a few months and then unretire?


Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons have been remarkably quiet this off season. No major player arrests or suspensions, no coaches giving up, nothing. How boring. They did add TE Tony Gonzalez to the mix, and I bet are rubbing some rabbit’s feet in hopes to have Matt Ryan avoid a sophomore slump.


Carolina Panthers

Ok, so who knows how effective Jake Delhomme will be, although thus far the Panther offense seems to be more of a kitten than a big cat. And owner Jerry Richardson fired both of his sons from the team, because he felt their fighting amongst each other was detrimental to the team. Something tells me the Panthers will not be the NFC representative in the Super Bust, or Bowl, this year.


New Orleans Saints

I know its preseason, but after watching their offense destroy the Raiders, I was impressed. Now, if they’re defense could just be average, I think the Saints would be a terror. Perhaps new defensive coordinator Gregg Williams will be just the man to put that final piece of the puzzle in place.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers

They cleared out almost all of the defensive veterans that have led the team over the years, including much loved Derrick Brooks. They imported oft injured and potential pain in the rump Kellen Winslow. They had an opportunity to utilize an amazing amount of cap room, but didn’t bother going after potential free agents that really could have made an impact. And now after firing their offensive coordinator less than two weeks before the season starts, I really believe that new head coach Raheem Morris should send a thank you note and gift basket to Josh McDaniels for screwing up Denver so badly it distracted everyone from the impending mess that will be the 2009 Buccaneers.


Arizona Cardinals

Boy, the Steelers West had a magical 2008 season. But they found out that no matter how good you are, you just can’t beat the original. Arizona celebrated the greatest season in franchise history by watching their offensive coordinator leave to become the new Kansas City head coach and by firing their defensive coordinator. Good times. But at least they have Brian St. Pierre as their third string quarterback, so let the good times roll.


St. Louis Rams

What can you say about the Rams? A new coach and a new attitude, yet the mess that was the team the past few years will not be cleaned up with a fresh start and a magic eraser. I imagine they’ll probably stink. Their atrocious season last year mercifully flew under the radar thanks to Detroit. This year, it will probably be overshadowed by the Raiders.


San Francisco 49ers

Ok, I love Mike Singletary and his old school style, but without a decent quarterback, and actually not much more than Frank Gore, what does he really have to work with? I’d say Michael Crabtree, but he ain’t playing till he gets PAID! What a twit.


Seattle Seahawks

The transition of power from Holmgren to Jim Mora Jr. was successfully completed. They have a healthy Matt Hasselbeck back as well as a healthier receiving corps, boosted by the addition of T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Their division is, well questionable at best. Perhaps the Seahawks can put together a playoff run. Wait, Jim’s dad wants to add something about Seattle’s chances. Sorry Joel McHale.


Idiot of the Off Season

Well, we could go through a long list of people who have put up compelling arguments all off season to garner this prestigious award. But why bother? I don’t waffle when I’ve made up my mind.

For obvious reasons, our inaugural winner for the 2009 season is Brett Favre. For being ridiculously indecisive when he knows what he wants all along. For basking constantly in the media spotlight all while feigning to hate the attention. For continuing to play this aw shucks persona when he is truly a shrewd operator. And for forcing us to suffer yet another summer of As The Favre Turns, the soon to be running longest soap opera of all time. Seriously, he really does make the NFL world revolve around him, and we call TO the egomaniac?

Brett, you are an idiot.

Coming This Week: Our full tilt blast into the NFL calendar as the season kicks off in Pittsburgh!