The Crystal Ball 2009 Week 3

After watching the Sunday night game, I think Jerry Jones should follow in Peyton Manning’s footsteps and become a corporate pitchman. I’ve decided to help him out and wrote his first MasterCard commercial.

A star studded opening night home game in prime time – millions made in ad revenue and concession sales.

Filling the stadium with Cowboy legends, a former president and John Madden – thousands spent in added security and VIP accommodations and accoutrements.

Outfitting the stadium with food, beverages and amenities for over 100,000 people to celebrate a colossal opening night – several million seemingly well spent dollars.

Building one new ground breaking football palace - $1.15 billion.

Being caught by the cameras on national television sitting in your luxury suite picking your nose – priceless.


Opening Kickoff

Sunday night was spent peeling my jaw off the floor from the shock of witnessing two Jeff Reed field goal shanks. This is as shocking and unthinkable to Steeler fans as finding out Al Davis was still alive would be to Raider fans.


The Way It Was

Well, you must give Chad Ochocinco, I love saying that, his due. He is a man of his word. He kept his promise and did the Lambeau Leap after scoring a touchdown in Cincinnati’s surprise victory over the Packers. And Packer fans all around the area where Chad leapt must have felt some sort of affection for the fun loving receiver, as they happily signaled Chad as number 1 with a special one fingered salute. You stay classy Green Bay.

JaMarcus Russell went 7 for 24 and still managed to win the game. And those numbers really do not reflect how bad he played and how much of a poor leader he has become. They had a super talent when they drafted Russell, yet this terrible organization is taking this man and developing him into a scrub. So how, exactly, did he win that game? Oh, right, Oakland played the rapidly imploding Chiefs.

Speaking of Kansas City, Todd Haley had a wonderful little sideline meltdown during the game. I think we’re only a few weeks away from Todd having a Dennis Green style post game interview. It’s inevitable, especially since he probably has lost the team.

Well, for their big home opener, Miami trotted out their star studded ownership group. How did the Colts counter? They had Tiger Woods on the sideline, looking ready to hit the back nine. I think that Tiger closing mojo helped the Colts finish off the Dolphins. It’s the only way I can figure they won since they held the ball offensively for less than 15 minutes. Well, that and Dwight Freeney smacking Jake Long around for most of the game.

The Jets scored a big win over Patriots, although with the way everyone was celebrating, you would have thought it was for the AFC championship instead of one regular season game. Color me glad I gave them a chance to back up their big talk. But how long will that high last?

Did you see Tom Brady against the Jets? Did you not see how he looked like he’d rather be anywhere but on that field most of the time? Did you see him hesitate on potential long pass attempts? Did you see him waver when a pass rush came at him? I told you, he will not be the same quarterback until he feels he can trust his knee and gets past the fear of reinjuring it. And right now, his mind is losing that mental battle. I told you it would be a long while before he was right again, and so far, he’s not there or even close. If Belichick were smart, he’d protect Brady and work hard to build his confidence by taking the pressure off of him and focusing on a strong running game. But I doubt Belichick’s ego would allow him to do such a thing.

I didn’t get to watch all of Football Night in America, but what I did see was startling. Peter King was noticeably absent from the stage. I know he had air time, so I can only imagine it was difficult staying composed when all he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sob over the Patriots loss. Its ok Peter, hang in there camper!

Matt Schaub threw for 4 touchdowns against Tennessee? When did he morph into Al Bundy?

I know Albert Haynesworth is a big body and causes a ton of commotion, but his absence cannot be the reason the Tennessee defense became as porous as a food strainer. And no way is Houston that good. The curse of the Terrible Towel continues.

Just a quick question, is there any way Drew Brees and the Saints offense can be stopped? You know, short of having it banned as an assault weapon.

Give Kevin Kolb some credit. Short of a few errors, he did a darn good job in relief and was not the reason Philadelphia lost. The Eagles defense was strafed mercilessly by the Brees aerial assault. You know what; we need to come up with a wicked cool nickname for the Saints offense. Ok, that’s the mission for next week. What do we call this potent offensive attack? Feel free to drop suggestions and ideas.

Who is that guy who punts for Philadelphia? I didn’t catch his name, but by the trajectory and distance of his punts, I’d swear it was Mitch Berger.


The Steel Pit

Bears 17 – Steelers 14

Yuck. Normally, I would not care so much about a loss. I mean the Bears are a tough team and historically Pittsburgh has stunk in the Windy City. What bothered me most about the loss was losing to that whiny brat Jay Cutler. It took a few days for me to stop my tourettes tirade.

But there were a few bright spots. The running game looked slightly better. Mendenhall looks like he wants to try and realizes if he just hits the hole, he’ll get yardage and maybe the full time job. Parker still keeps tippy toeing around, although he did better. The defense did hold the mighty Bears to only 17 points. The offensive line was much improved in pass blocking and had some great run blocks too.

So, what happened? What was the key to the loss? What turned the tide? Where does the problem with the Steelers reside? Who is the goat? Sports radio has been aflame all week trying to determine just that, and the suspects are notable.

Candidate #1 Jeff Reed – two shanked field goal attempts will definitely put you into the driver’s seat here, but I do not blame Jeff. First, he’s made a ton of pressure kicks over the years with no issue whatsoever. Everyone once in a while has a bad game, and Sunday was just that for Jeff. Considering the last time he missed two in a game was 5 years ago, I’ll give him a pass. As long as the next time it happens is 5 years from now.

Candidate #2 Santonio Holmes – Somehow, Tone developed an awful case of butter fingers, dropping three passes including one that would have been the go ahead touchdown late in the game. But, in his defense the conditions were poor and the ball was wet. And, sometimes you just have a bad day.

Candidate #3 Ben Roethlisberger – Actually, Big Ben played a pretty good game, but people tend to blame the quarterback so I didn’t want him to feel left out. He certainly cannot control whether others can hold onto a ball he puts right in their hands.

Candidate #4 the running game – yes, it would be nice to convert in short yardage situations, but they did show improvement. And considering right now they’re not being relied upon so heavily, it’s hard to have them carry the burden of blame.

Candidate #5 the defense – ok, yes stupid penalties on Chicago’s second touchdown drive did not help at all. But, they did keep the game close and only gave up 17 points. I’m sure Titan fans would have been thrilled with such a defensive performance.

Candidate #6 OC Bruce Arians – everyone loves to pick on Arians, my dad included. And Ben’s throw to Tone in the end zone on 3rd and 2 was a major flashpoint all week with fans crowing Arians should have just gone for the first down. First, why not take a chance? As a wise man once said, you play to win the game. Second, perhaps that was his play call. Big Ben said after the game he changed the play because he saw Holmes in single coverage and took a chance. If you really want to get on Arians case, then get on it for not going for it on 4th and 2 on the very next play. He did on 4th and 1 from the goal line, and that resulted in a touchdown. Come on Bruce, fortune favors the bold!

Candidate #7 Willie Colon – ok, he’s not a real candidate. But I did have to slip in my newly created Colon watch. And what happened? Yes, thanks to a false start penalty on the “star” right tackle, one promising Steeler drive was short circuited. I do not understand his accolades, as every week he makes at least one terrible mental error that destroys momentum. And by now, he’s been in the league and a starter long enough to not be making these dumb mental errors. Colon watch will continue next week where we fill out this crackpot idea more.

Now, you could go through the entire roster and assign blame, I’m looking in your direction Ike Taylor, but none of the above reasons or anyone on the roster is to blame in particular. You know what ails the Steelers? The team is missing something vital and we need to bring it back but fast.

Pittsburgh looked flat and lost the game because not once in 60 minutes of football did I see Hines Ward smile. Without him flashing those pearly whites, the offense loses its mojo, guys cannot relax and know all will work out and then they play tight and flat. Come on Hines, give us a smile we need one!


Only In Faux NFL Reality…

This week, former receiver Plaxico Burress began his 2 year jail term by reporting to Riker’s Island. Ok, I know Plax broke the law; I do not dispute or argue with that. And yes, I believe he should be punished for such things. But receiving two years in jail, and starting his term in such a notoriously hard prison as Riker’s Island? Doesn’t that seem like more than a bit of overkill for someone who ended up in this situation for being stupid?

Do you wonder if when he suits up this Sunday, Antonio Pierce will feel bad at all that despite being a part of the Plaxico circus, he runs free and gets to make a living while Burress languishes in a tiny cell?

You know the Browns are in good hands with Eric Mangenius. The brilliant motivator fined a player $1,701 for not paying for his $3 bottle of water at the hotel. With that kind of attention to nonsensical detail, there’s no way Cleveland can fail.

Oh, and it seems there’s been some fighting going on in the Browns locker room. Not a full blown donnybrook, just guys dumping water on each other and then swinging a punch or two. Somewhere, Drew Carey is weeping.

During a radio interview, Redskins head coach Jim Zorn and Redskins legend Sonny Jurgensen got into an argument over Zorn’s play calling regarding a failed half back pass attempting for a touchdown. Being a former quarterback, Sonny obviously took exception to the idea of putting such a key play in the hands of a running back. Zorn defended his play calling with zest and stated he would do the same if Sonny were his quarterback. I say good for Zorn, obviously things weren’t working and he was willing to try something new. And anyway, what does he have to lose anyway? Will anyone be surprised come January when the impulsive Dan Snyder cans Zorn and hires Mike Shanahan? I think not. Go out with your guns blazing Jim!

The NFL fined Steeler safety Tyrone Carter for his hit on Bear tight end Greg Olsen. What I do not understand is why fine a guy if the hit was legal and not penalized during the game? I understand the NFL wants to curb ultra violent hits and keep guys from getting hurt, but they need to be consistent in how they mete out punishment.

Why is Marcus Fitzgerald, brother of uber wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald, twittering about how he thinks Kurt Warner and Larry are fighting and Warner is snubbing Larry? Heck why is this even a story? Why are we looking at Twitter for news? This is the dumbest thing ever and yet we treat every milquetoast post from asinine individuals as though it were earth shattering news. And more importantly, why do we even care about the crackpot thoughts of those who have absolutely no more insight into the internal workings of a team than you or I? Come on people, sniff the smelling salts, come to your senses and ignore this nonsense I beg you!

Cris Collinsworth made a brilliant suggestion on air this week. In regards to non sell outs and empty seats, Cris suggested the NFL fill those empty seats with kids. I think this is a brilliant idea. Not only would it be a great PR move for the league, but it would also give kids an experience they’ll remember for the rest of their lives. And maybe they can get a seat for that girl from their United Way commercials with the crazy hair!


In The Merry Old Land Of Oz

In a bitter sweet moment, I logged my first victory with a thorough trouncing of my opponent, although my joy was tempered because of Pittsburgh’s loss. Thank you Chris Johnson. I must admit, this fantasy thing, at least for the first few weeks, has been wickedly addictive.

What did I learn this week? Well, nothing of any strategic value other than make sure who you play will actually play in Sunday’s matchups. Not that I messed it up, but I saw someone who did, and the lost points cost them dearly. So, mental note before tomorrow’s contests, check your injury reports.

Next up, I face off against a gentleman who is undefeated. This should be interesting.


Upon Further Review

The NFL recently fined Cowboys owner Jerry Jones for speaking publicly about upcoming labor issues. Specifically, Jones made comments about revenue sharing and how, according to him, that will be on the way out during the new bargaining agreement talks. If this comes to pass, the NFL we know it will be destroyed.

Jones, and owners of his ilk such as Washington’s Dan Snyder, hates the idea that money they bring in is shared with smaller market teams like Kansas City and Green Bay. His thought process is that if he makes it, why should he share it and help out the competition. Since we live in a capitalist society, this is a rational thought that makes a ton of sense. However, Jones misses the big picture as to how this applies to the NFL.

Right now, all Jones can see is an expensive, yet underachieving football team that he feels can be fixed by throwing more money at the problem. As well as a very hefty price tag for a brand new stadium. And shilling out cash he could use for his own issues is rubbing him the very wrong way.

Now mind you, it’s not like all the money Jones brings in under the Cowboy brand goes back into the NFL pool. Actually, he has been very creative in finding new and innovative revenue streams that remain untouched by anyone but him. But still like anyone of wealth, he cannot stand the idea of sharing what he has with others, no matter how much such sharing in this instance may benefit him in the long run.

If revenue sharing is removed from the NFL, it will cause a horrid domino effect that will end up destroying even the premise of competitive balance, cause more than a few teams to shutter their operations and ruin the popularity of the sport.

Without additional money, small market teams will spend less on players, facilities and development in order to stay solvent, leaving them at a major disadvantage when playing against teams that can afford nothing but the very best. And with the added money in their coffers they no longer have to share, large market teams will spend ridiculous amounts of money on players knowing others in small markets could never match such prices. This will drive up free agent costs, leaving players who want and can command the biggest payday with only a few options to look at, and thus those few big spending teams will continue to be fully stocked with the best talent.

When fans begin to see how their favorite team has become nothing but a doormat or dumps players to save a buck or cannot compete with rising player prices and stop trying, they will turn away not only from that team, but also the league in disgust. When fans begin to fall away, popularity will drop, overall revenue for the league will fall and before you know it, the NFL will be fighting with the NBA, MLB and NHL for position of top dog.

Yes, revenue sharing is contrary to a capitalist system, but it has been a boon to the NFL and all franchises involved for many years. It is one of the key reasons the NFL skyrocketed to the top of the professional sports heap and has not been seriously challenged for that spot for many years now. If it should disappear, so will the competitive balance the NFL has enjoyed for so long as well as the dominance the sport has had over the other professional leagues in North America.

One of the reasons people tend to steer away from Major League Baseball is because they become sick of watching the Yankees and Red Sox and 28 also rans every single year. And why do we see these two teams constantly? Because they have all the revenue and resources and the other teams just become nothing more than farm teams to funnel players toward these teams. If Jones has his way, that is exactly what the NFL will become, just replace Yankees with Cowboys and Red Sox with Redskins.

The NFL will become 6 big spending big market teams and 26 also rans who operate as nothing more than talent development clubs. And after a few years that number will drop from 26 to 20 or perhaps even lower. Sadly, some of those teams that disappear will be long time NFL franchises that have been historical cornerstones of the league. If they should disappear, then Jones will not only have destroyed competitive balance and the NFL’s dominance, but also altered and perverted the history of the NFL.

If we have learned anything of Jones’ acumen over the years, it’s that he is a talented business man who should keep his nose out of the specifics of football operation. The more he becomes involved and monkeys with his own team, the worse it gets. He enjoyed his greatest successes as an owner when he let others with more football knowledge do the dirty work. When he got tired of sharing the spotlight with Jimmy Johnson, he canned him in order to be lauded for making a champion himself. Since then, his team has languished between mediocrity and irrelevant. Jones lets his ego speak for him, and the results have ranged from silly to damaging. If he continues on this path to eliminate revenue sharing, those results will extend to disastrous.

Perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps if revenue sharing such sky is falling predictions will not come true. I know with a new collective bargaining agreement there will be multiple financial layers that will play important roles in the direction of each team and the league itself. And since nothing is written on paper yet, who knows what the final result may be. But just watching how the NFL has run, and succeeded, and taking away a key part of that success only tells me nothing good can come from it.

I urge Jones and the other large market owners who support such a plan to think this issue through before acting further. Because, right now these men have the knife poised at the throat of the golden goose that funds them, their teams, lifestyles and egos. And the more they move forward with this eliminating revenue sharing, the closer they come to pulling that knife and killing that goose. And if that should happen, everyone will lose in the end.


Idiot of the week

Well, I think I’m gonna have to give this week’s award to master egomaniac Jerry Jones. Oh I know, the reasons are multiple and this could be an easy call. So what pushes Jerry above all others?

Was it losing at home during his night in the spotlight? Or getting caught on camera picking his nose? Maybe spending such a ridiculous amount of money on a football stadium? Or having a gigantic TV above the field that could interfere with the ball in play? Might it be his constant meddling in the football side of the Cowboys has assembled a team unable to win big games and a coaching staff unable to build a championship caliber team? Was it his ridiculous, and potentially dangerous, comments regarding the elimination of revenue sharing? They contributed, but none was the clincher.

No, what really got Jones this week was having Jordin Sparks sing the national anthem. Now, mind you I thought Sparks did a great job and would love to see her belt out our national anthem and many more games. That young lady has a great voice and really knows how to sing. But the Cowboys were playing the Giants. And Sparks is the daughter of former Giant defensive back Phillippi Sparks. So to inaugurate your stadium, you tab for the anthem the daughter of a man who played for your opponent. Odd choice to say the least, and may have played a factor in the Giants win, karma-wise. When you add in all those other elements from above our choice this week was crystal clear. Jerry Jones, you are an idiot.


On Tap This Week

So, for the second week in a row, someone in my house was tied for the lead Monday night and needed to win the points tiebreaker to take the week. This week it was me! But unfortunately, I fell to the same fate as the Lady K and missed by 4 points. Number 4, you are my bane! And for once, I’m not referring to you Favre!

Last week: 11-5
Season to date: 24 - 8

The plus side is that after two weeks, the Lady K and I are 1 and 2 in the poll. How’s that for sweet! Ok, let’s not screw it up this week…

Sunday

Kansas City (0-2) at Philadelphia (1-1)

McNabb will most likely be sidelined again, and Kevin Kolb will get another start. Michael Vick, however, will be available to play. If Kolb screws up in any way, the quarterback controversy will strike like a hurricane. As it is, and knowing how reactionary Philly fans can be, it most likely will strike with some force come Monday regardless. It will especially happen if Vick gets into the game and does something special. No matter what, it should be an interesting day in Philadelphia. Sorry KC, you are part of the side show now.

Eagles over Chiefs

Green Bay (1-1) at St. Louis (0-2)

Like all Packer fans, I did not like what I saw from Green Bay last week. However, there is no way to like anything from a team that has scored a total of 7 points in two weeks.

Packers over Rams

San Francisco (2-0) at Minnesota (2-0)

Hmmm, now here is an intriguing match up. Both have yet to be tested. And I have mentioned I do love the Singletary way. But I’m going to give the edge to All Day Peterson at home.

Vikings over 49ers

Tennessee (0-2) at New York Jets (2-0)

I’m going out on a limb here. Tennessee is reeling, desperate and cheesed off. The Jets, however, are soaring high after disposing of Brady and company. I smell a let down game.

Titans over Jets

Atlanta (2-0) at New England (1-1)

New England has porous offensive line and a quarterback with some serious doubt issues. They also have a defense devoid of leadership and perhaps their best player. And yet, I still have doubts. But you know what, fortune favors the bold.

Falcons over Patriots

Jacksonville (0-2) at Houston (1-1)

If anything, I can learn from past mistakes. Houston has owned Jacksonville in recent years. And since they finally found their offensive mojo, I do not see that trend ending.

Texans over Jaguars

New York Giants (2-0) at Tampa Bay (0-2)

After two weeks, it would seem Tampa Bay is a bigger mess than Denver. Facing a hot Giants team will not help reverse that trend.

Giants over Buccaneers

Washington (1-1) at Detroit (0-2)

Usually when everyone jumps on a band wagon, that’s a good sign to avoid said band wagon at all costs. But I do actually, for once, like Detroit’s chances against the offensively challenged Washington squad. Ok, give me another cup of that Kool-aid.

Lions over Redskins

Cleveland (0-2) at Baltimore (2-0)

Look Cleveland fans, a successful young quarterback and a real defense.

Ravens over Browns

Chicago (1-1) at Seattle (1-1)

Jay Cutler is not good on the road in a hostile environment. But Matt Hasselbeck makes the Seattle offense go, and if he cannot then I like them even less no matter where they play.

Bears over Seahawks

New Orleans (2-0) at Buffalo (1-1)

Buffalo bounced back nicely from their week one loss. But until some team finally shows everyone else how to harass Drew Brees into a mistake, I’m all about grabbing some beads and heading toward Bourbon Street.

Saints over Bills

Miami (0-2) at San Diego (1-1)

Wasn’t it last year, when Miami hit 0-2, that they went nuts? Yes it was. Eh, three time zones on a short week is difficult to overcome. Even if you’re facing Norv Turner.

Chargers over Dolphins

Denver (2-0) at Oakland (1-1)

I am far from convinced Denver is a functional, top tier team. However, I’m even further from being convinced Oakland is an NFL team.

Broncos over Raiders

Pittsburgh (1-1) at Cincinnati (1-1)

Do you realize that if not for a fluke play, the Bungles would be undefeated? Weird, right? That kind of nonsense cannot last. Much like Pittsburgh’s rather flat performances as of late. I say Tomlin and company gets nice and healthy against a familiar punching bag, I mean foe.

Steelers over Bungles

Indianapolis (2-0) at Arizona (1-1)

I know Peyton took that game away from Miami last week, and I liked his ice cold assassin nature at the end of the game. But even he cannot save a game if his defense is on the field for ¾ of the game, especially if his opponent has a two dimensional offense.

Cardinals over Colts

Monday

Carolina (0-2) at Dallas (1-1)

Jerry Jones will get his big fancy victory in his big fancy new stadium. Oh happy day.

Cowboys over Panthers

The Crystal Ball 2009 Week 2

Did you get your NFL fill last weekend? Did everyone wake up Monday morning feeling full and satiated like after Thanksgiving from all the football action? No? Well guess what, the buffet is open again!

Opening Kickoff

Thank you DIRECTV for the free NFL Sunday Ticket weekend! With the entire football slate open to me, I literally watched some of every game available. It almost became too much football, and I came close to overdosing. Mercifully I took a break to watch the series finale of King of the Hill. In my opinion, a very good, understated ending to a widely underrated show. Sad to know there will be no more new episodes, I’ll tell you what.


The Way It Was

The Bears armor has been destroyed. Cutler showed he has tendencies more like Jim Miller than Sid Luckman. Brian Urlacher, the heart of their defense, is gone for the season with a wickedly painful sounding dislocated wrist. Their two biggest weapons from last year, Forte and Olsen, were horribly underutilized. Monsters of the Midway, the Chicago Bears. Chipmunks maybe but Bears, never.

Welcome to the Delhomme meltdown part 2. I think I’ve seen this show before somewhere. Of course the Panthers are behind him, what else do they have in reserve? Oh right. Hello? A.J. Feeley? What’s up buddy? Ya busy?

One week in, and Donovan McNabb has broken ribs. To compensate, the Eagles bring back to the fold Jeff Garcia. So now the quarterback room consists of McNabb, Garcia, the questionable Kevin Kolb and the lightning rod Michael Vick. T-minus one week until a full fledged quarterback controversy maelstrom strikes Philadelphia. That’s one of the annual signs of fall, isn’t it? Like a Favre retirement is a sign of spring?

I watched Adrian Peterson on Sunday eviscerate the Browns. And no doubt, Peterson is otherworldly. But keep in mind they ARE the Browns. However after watching his performance, does Tomlinson really believe he’s better than Peterson? Seriously? He just cannot, especially after Tomlinson fumbled early in his Monday night season debut.

Wow, what a wild freaky ending to the Denver/Cincinnati train wreck. But that just shows why the Bungles are the Bungles. All they had to do was stop Kyle Orton, who will never be confused with John Elway, from going 87 yards in 20 seconds. That’s it. Now do you understand the power of the neck beard?

I loved Brandon Stokley hesitating before entering the end zone to milk extra time off the clock and prevent the Bungles extra time to run more than one desperation play. Stokley made a very smart move and showed his football acumen with his understanding of how the end game works.

Hey, where was Ochocinco’s big moment? He must be waiting for the right time, like when the Bungles are relevant. I hope I live that long.

Let’s face it, Denver got uber lucky. I mean, when you line up to receive a punt, and do not notice your opponent is running a fake punt with no punter on the field, and get fooled by that formation? Although in Denver’s defense, they probably figured that the Bungles just forgot to send out a punter and would hike the ball 15 yards backward.

Oh, speaking of this game, could someone check on Gus Johnson and make sure he didn’t blow a gasket calling that touchdown run? I think I heard something snap as he bounced off the walls of the booth.

Good for Houston fans for booing. I would to if I had to call that my team.

Wow, surprisingly KC really gave Baltimore a game. Is that a sign they have a touch of life, or Baltimore got a bit sloppy? I’m going sloppy.

By the way, I do not like the idea of a Ravens offense putting up 38 points. Not one bit.

I swear these football video games are just getting way too realistic. I watched someone playing a game between New Orleans and Detroit, and as the dude working the Saints controls kept racking up the points, I’d swear the video Drew Brees looked real! But I realized he just couldn’t be when he never broke a sweat.

I love love love what Mike Singletary is doing with the 49ers. They played tough and never took a down off. Eventually, that kind of ethic he’s building into that team will pay off in big ways.

Awww the Cardinals hung their NFC championship banner on Sunday. Way to celebrate 2nd place guys.

Boy, Seneca Wallace wore some very bright neon green shoes Sunday. I could see them from the Space Needle.

Is it just me or are Ed Hochuli’s guns a bit smaller? Has he gone with a lower caliber, to contain the collateral damage those pythons can cause?

Poor Larry Foote, what a rough, long day. Unfortunately, this will not be the first game like this for his undermanned Lions. It’s only going to get longer. And did you hear the announcers compare his move from Pittsburgh to Detroit like breaking up with Beyonce to date Whoopi Goldberg? What a wicked Whoopi burn, and she didn’t even do anything.

Did anyone notice that with pressure from the defense, Tom Brady looked hesitant especially with long throws? He does look healthy and accurate, but I don’t think he trusts his knee quite yet. Hopefully, that hesitation lasts all year.

Ahhh the Oakland Raiders – new coach, new philosophy, new season, new hope, and yet the same old terrible clock management. Why, in the waning moments of a game, with your opponent behind and out of time outs, would you call a time out and give your opponent another opportunity to run an additional play? That extra time made the difference and allowed Sproles to score. Good job dim wits.

Richard Seymour played his first game as a Raider with passion, determination and anger. Obviously he wants a new contract somewhere else next season and is channeling the anger he feels from being betrayed by Beli-cheat onto the field and inspiring the rest of the defense. Perhaps Al Davis is not completely crazy. Nah, I’m not ready to live in that world.

Houston defensive back Dunta Robinson, unhappy with his contract situation, wrote "pay me Rick" on his shoes to make a point to the Texans general manager. Dunta allow me to offer you a piece of advice. Such displays work much better when you're not getting smoked by a rookie quarterback at home.


The Steel Pit

Ok, the good news. The Steelers won a tough game, albeit messily, against a top tier opponent to start their title defense at 1-0. Big Ben looks like he is finally going to be included in the discussion of elite quarterbacks of the league and Santonio Holmes picked up right where he left off at the end of last season. And the defense allowed only 10 total points for the game. The icing on that cake is exquisite.

The bad news? The running game was non existent. The offensive line had no push when it came to grinding out tough yards and, while providing good pass protection still was enough of a sieve to allow 4 sacks. And the defense lost a major weapon when Troy Polamalu was injured with a strained MCL. Luckily, Troy will only be missing 3-6 weeks, and I figure closer to 6 so we will not see him and his brilliance again until November. But we will see him again this season.

Is it panic time? Oh heck no. While the team definitely has a few weak spots on which to work, things look good. And give Tennessee credit, they are a good team who plays Pittsburgh extremely tough and were very motivated to make a point that they should have been hosting last Thursday’s game and hoisting a championship banner.

My notes of the game revealed a few interesting highlights and low lights. Let’s take a quick gander back.

I may be developing a crush on Daniel Sepulveda and Stephan Logan. Wow, so this is what it’s like to have a team with viable and dangerous special teams’ options.

The defense, other than Troy, was not at their usual ferocity early in the game. After yet another amazing Polamalu play, the Lady K said, “Is Troy the only one working tonight?”

And then Troy had the highlight reel one handed interception.

That pass interference call on Polamalu was total crap, no matter that it was negated by a Tennessee penalty. The fans expressed their displeasure at the poor officiating in appropriate ways.

Farrior had a nice sack and a wonderful blocked kick and the defense ramped it up as the game went on. But I think I’ll be asking this question often this season. Where are the holding calls on James Harrison?

In replacement of Timmons, Keyaron Fox played smart and tough football. We just keep building linebackers in Pittsburgh.

Why when a player gets injured, must we see the super slow mo replay more often than the Zapruder film? I kept wanting to throw up watching Troy’s knee buckle.

Hey, there’s Snoop Dogg, chillin at Heinz Field. Why didn’t he do a little pre-game show? I would have dug that more than Tim McGraw.

Oh look, Willie Colon screwed up to sabotage a drive. Can they honestly say he’s one of the best right tackles in the league? Every week I see him either whiff on a block or get a holding call that short circuit a promising drive. Every week. Next week we’ll start the Colon watch.

After watching Frank Summers, one thought keeps creeping into my head. They should have kept Isaac Redman.

This is why Big Ben got a big paycheck. Two drives with the game on the line in the 4th quarter and overtime = two scores and a win.

And speaking of paying, Art Rooney, pay Jeff Reed. If he hasn’t proven just exactly how clutch of a kicker he is by now, he never will.

Hines Ward fumbling the ball was one of the weirdest sights I’ve every seen. I think for him too because at first he just looked shocked. And then he looked pissed. Like that man needs further motivation. I feel bad for the Bears next week.

Is Steeler football running the ball, or is it morphing into a passing team? I think we’re being too specific. I think Steeler football can be described much more accurately and allow variations to offensive philosophy. Steeler Football is about winning. Sounds better, is extremely accurate, and allows Big Ben to have 300 yard passing days without old school fans having a conniption fit.

The Steelers will have another tough one this week in Chicago. But with the resolve I saw in pulling together to dispatch a fierce opponent, I think we’ll see Pittsburgh look even better in their road debut.


Only In Faux NFL Reality…

Matt Birk, Lofa Tatupu and Sean Morey have pledged to donate their brains upon their passing to a study on the effects of concussions. While some retired football alumni have done so already, they are the first active players to do so, and by getting this commitment from men still active, it is a major breakthrough in the advancement of study of the affects of repeated concussions. I love to see progress in this matter, because of all the wonderful physical gifts athletes have, their most important organ, just like all of us, is our minds. And finding new ways to protect and understand it means much for our growth as humans.

So, have you heard that Brett Favre said he may not play all 16 games? Yup, you read that right. And you’re reading into it correctly as well. It seems by this innocuous statement, he’s planning to retire during the most difficult part of the season, and then unretire again, and then re-retires when the meat of the stretch run happens, and then unretires AGAIN when the playoffs are locked up. Wow.

In the new cathedral to Jerry Jones’ ego, the facilities include a 5,500-square-foot beer storage room. That’s more space than my house and three other friends’ houses combined. FOR BEER! Stunning.

Did Al Michaels get hair plugs? The top of his noggin sure looked different at the start of this season.

Success, as they say, breeds success. And the proof can be found with the prominent Steelers in advertising campaigns. Troy Polamalu plugging Head and Shoulders. Willie Parker appears now in a Sprint advertisement. And Jeff Reed is lending his recommendation to a local sports psychiatrist. I hope the towel dispenser incident did not mandate this.

The NFL fined Eric Mangini and the New York Jets combined $125,000 for failing to report on injury reports last season the extent of Brett Favre’s bicep injury. So what? Isn’t that the normal modus operandi for Bill Belichick? Didn’t he list Tom Brady as “questionable” for the entire 2007 season?

According to a study, Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan is the most handsome man in the NFL, due to his almost perfectly symmetrical face. Ok, maybe by some stuffy scientific standards Ryan may be the most handsome man. But can his smile light up an entire city? I think not.


In The Merry Old Land Of Oz

Ok, one week in, and I’ll admit it. Despite my protestations and constant fun making, I am having a blast with fantasy football. Go ahead feel free to make fun of me mercifully because I know I deserve it. The planning, the thinking of who may do well, the guess work, the luck, the constant thinking of football and strategy, it’s quite the fun time and I’m more surprised than anyone to say right up my alley. Plus I enjoy discussing matchups and line ups with a good friend who is also in the league. So yes, make fun I deserve it. But I don’t care!

Turns out I’m not the only newbie to the fantasy realm this year. So is Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. I thought this was kind of cool, until I read he was convinced to do it by his twitter followers. *Shudder* Just saying that makes me feel dirty. I know I turned my opinion on fantasy football, but I guarantee this. No Twitter for me, ever. Well, unless someone is paying me gobs of money, then I may consider it for a second.

Ok, so what did I learn in week one? I learned two important things. One, it’s important when putting together your lineup to look and see who those players are going facing on the field. If they are playing a crappy team, that will help you immensely in racking up the points. I made a mistake in starting tight ends, and left 12 points on the table. Not optimal. But it’s a learning process.

The other thing I learned is even if you have a good team that racks up 93 points, like I did; you’re going to get killed if your opponent has Drew Brees strafing the Lion defense. Even if I had those 12 points from above, I still would have been 20 short. Lesson learned.


Upon Further Review

With the fines to Mangini and the Jets regarding proper filing of injury reports, I feel this week an open secret needs to be revealed. The NFL’s policy on injury reports is nothing but a gigantic sham. The premise of these reports is that by letting other teams know the proper health status of your players, it allows your opponent to properly prepare and increases competition.

The truth is, the only people injury reports benefit are gamblers and fantasy football players. Each team prepares for their opponents through study, film work, scouting reports and with the thought that every member of the opposing team will be 100% healthy and active. They leave nothing to chance, and good teams never rely on the hope that someone may be too banged up to go forward. Plus, each team understands the reality of football. That reality is that everyone gets aches and pains from the violent game they play, and teams and players find ways to work through that to perform at their best on Sundays.

However, gamblers looking for an edge want to know every detail as possible. Would someone looking to drop $1000 on, say, Patriots at Jets be influenced if they knew Tom Brady was nursing a strained abdominal muscle, or if it looked like Thomas Jones may not play with a pulled hamstring? You bet your fanny they would. It would change betting lines drastically and how much money flowed into Las Vegas and betting houses everywhere.

And with the proliferation of fantasy football, injury reports are as important as schedules and opponents. It changes millions of line ups around the world. It makes all the difference for each player as they try to decide who to start, Rivers or Manning. If one has a sore shoulder, well he sits on the faux bench.

As a concept, I have no problem with injury reports. Fans want to know the status of their team in general and it helps temper expectations if they know whether their star player will be ready to go come Sunday. My problem is with honesty. Injury reports only benefit fans, gamblers and fantasy owners. They do little or nothing for teams specifically.

If the NFL really wants to keep them self separated from gambling, they should eliminate the injury report. But if they continue on their path of courting gambling subtly, which they are by allowing team branding on scratch off lottery tickets, then they should just be honest about whom these reports truly benefit and drop the pretenses regarding gambling. After all, who here is not involved in some sort of fantasy league, office pool or placed a bet at a sports book just for fun? I think that includes everyone but the Amish, and considering how some of their youngsters have dabbled in cocaine in the recent past perhaps they’re tracking the spreads too.


He Said He Said

"I've never seen anything like that." - Carson Palmer, on Denver's winning score.

Considering he’s been a Bungle since 2003, how is that possible?

"I watched Brett Favre today. Very impressive. Went the whole game without retiring.” - Jay Leno, interviewed by Bob Costas at halftime of NBC's Sunday night game.

Zing!

"They recovered a fumbled kickoff by the Bills, and scored the winner on another Brady-to-Watson touchdown with 50 seconds left, finishing off a scintillating 25-24 in Brady's breathless return to football after 2008 knee surgery." – SI.com’s Peter King

Scintillating? Breathless? Peter, easy now. I know you broke up with Favre, but you’re going a bit over the top now with your growing bromance with Brady. He’ll only hurt you in the end.

"Get your hats on. We're gonna score before the two-minute warning, get the ball back, then we're gonna score again and win this thing!'' – Patriot quarterback Tom Brady before the second to last scoring drive

Get your hats on? That’s your inspiring words Tom? Wait, are they tiny hats? Do they have a newly unveiled yet dopey personal logo on them?

"There's no question I'm very blessed that this scenario has come about rather than any worse scenario." – Steeler safety Troy Polamalu discussing his injury.

How this man views life continues to just blow me away, and inspire as well.

“At times on Sunday, Flacco looked like a young Ben Roethlisberger.” – Fox Sports Jason Whitlock

Yeah, I can see that. And I do not care for it one bit.

"I love that guy. He was one of the main reasons I wanted to re-sign here. I love blocking for him and he's our quarterback." – Panthers tackle Jordan Gross

For now.

“We’re not going to panic.” – Panthers defensive end Julius Peppers

Exactly when, then, will it be ok to panic? Carolina fans want to know.

“The tequila itself wouldn't cause weight gain; it would be everything that went WITH the tequila, right? If you drink a lot, you're going to eat late-night food … and you're going to be lazy the next morning, which always leads to pizza or other bad food.” – ESPN.com Bill Simmons

Thanks Bill, that’s what I said! Nice to have some common sense backing me up.

“Not a fan.” - former Viking quarterback Fran Tarkenton when asked about Brett Favre.

Ouch.

"You go out from the first quarter on, from the first play on, and try to embarrass them. Not just go out there and try to win, try to embarrass them. Try to make them feel bad when they leave here. We don't want to just beat them. We want to send a message to them, 'We're not backing down from you and we expect to win this game, and it's not going to be luck, it's not going to be a mistake.' “– Jets safety Kerry Rhodes discussing this week’s showdown with the Patriots.

Kerry, I hate to say it, but you’re poking the bear. Just ask Anthony Smith.


Idiot of the week

Some weeks, you really have to look for the idiot. This week, they advertised. Actually the competition was stiff, and the nominees all deserving.

There was Jay “franchise savior” Cutler laying a big egg on the not so frozen tundra. I personally enjoyed that one.

I could have nominated Jake Delhomme, but that boy is having too much trouble as it is, and I didn’t want to pile on like everyone else.

More deserving than Jake would be his coach, John Fox. Fox saw what happened to Jake in last years playoffs, and did nothing to hedge his bets that Delhomme may have lost his game. In fact, he gave him a fat contract extension and no viable backup. Pretty idiotic, if you ask my opinion.

No, this week our winner is Buffalo Bill Leodis McKelvin. You remember McKelvin, fumbling the kick return Monday night, allowing the Patriots to recover and then score the go ahead points in the waning moments of the game.

Now, many said McKelvin shouldn’t have run the ball out of the end zone, and perhaps not. But that is his job to advance the ball. He’s not an idiot for that. He’s not and idiot for fighting for every yard he could get. That is also his job. Now, the worm turns on young Leodis for neglecting to protect the ball and get on the ground as soon as the Patriots had him wrapped up. He kept fighting when the better, and smarter, part of valor, would have been to surrender. And while idiotic, that moment is not why he wins this week.

He wins because when asked about it afterward and what he would change about the sequence, he said he would do it all the same again. Leodis, please pay attention. If you make one mistake, it is an error and you work to correct it. If you make the same mistake again, then you are either dumb, unable to learn or purposely trying to screw up. And for that, you are an idiot.

This week, I award a title of Co-idiot to the Buffalo teenagers who, in frustration and anger after the game, vandalized McKelvin’s lawn during the week. Guys, I know a loss like that is frustrating and hurts. But good gravy, just boo the guy at the next game, don’t destroy his property or possibly cause harm to him or his family. Not only is that stupid, but dangerous and illegal you idiots.


On Tap This Week

Well that’s week one in the books. Unveil the results!

Last week: 13-3
Season to date: 13-3

Hey, that’s off to a great start! I’d crow a bit, but the Lady K housed me by going 15-1 and missed winning the week by a lousy, stinking 4 points in the tie breaker. Stupid Arizona! Ok, since I now have to play catch up, in my own home no less, how about we find out what damage we can inflict this week.

Sunday

Houston (0-1) at Tennessee (0-1)

Wait I thought this was Houston’s year! No? Not yet? It won’t be this week either. A road game against a cheesed off Tennessee team? I smell a big Chris Johnson day.

Titans over Texans

New Orleans (1-0) at Philadelphia (1-0)

Ok, Philly destroyed Carolina with a fabulous defensive performance but paid a hefty price. And I think we all saw just what a motivated New Orleans offense can do. This might be the toughest pick, and one of the most enjoyable games to watch all weekend. Ok, let’s go road magic.

Saints over Eagles

Arizona (0-1) at Jacksonville (0-1)

Ok, I know Jacksonville played the Colts tight on the road. And Arizona looked lethargic at home in their season debut. But I just believe Warner and company will snap out of it, and what better time than against a questionable Jags team.

Cardinals over Jaguars

Oakland (0-1) at Kansas City (0-1)

I hate to say this, but I was surprisingly impressed by the physicality of Oakland Monday night. They ran hard and hit harder. Might they have finally turned a corner? Who knows. But the current mess that is Kansas City should not be too much of an issue.

Raiders over Chiefs

Cincinnati (0-1) at Green Bay (1-0)

I am excited to see Ochocinco fulfill his promise to do a Lambeau Leap if he scores a touchdown. Unfortunately, he hasn’t scored a touchdown on the road in 34 months.

Packers over Bungles

Minnesota (1-0) at Detroit (1-0)

Another crappy team, another massive day for Adrian Peterson.

Vikings over Lions

St. Louis (0-1) at Washington (0-1)

If Washington doesn’t win this game, Dan Snyder needs to be traded.

Redskins over Rams

New England (1-0) at New York Jets (1-0)

Despite Peter King’s gushing, I have doubts about Brady. Not physically, as he seems fine, but with his confidence in his knee. And I’ve seen enough of this kind of injury to know the hardest part to heal is the psyche. As for the Jets, well they took a hit with a weakened Kris Jenkins and a bunch of trash talk, which always leads to danger especially when New England is prominently involved. But you know what? I’m gonna take a chance that New York’s butt can cash the checks Rex Ryan’s mouth has been writing. But they only get one chance.

Jets over Patriots

Carolina (0-1) at Atlanta (1-0)

Carolina is about two games away from a massive implosion. This is game one.

Falcons over Panthers

Tampa Bay (0-1) at Buffalo (0-1)

To coach Dick Jauron: If you are ahead at the 55 minute mark, do NOT let off the gas!

Bills over Buccaneers

Seattle (1-0) at San Francisco (1-0)

Like I said, I love what Mike Singletary is doing with his team. But I like Hasselbeck to T.J. just a tiny big more.

Seahawks over 49ers

Baltimore (1-0) at San Diego (1-0)

Let’s see, an underachieving Chargers team, surrounded by the Merriman/Tequila controversy, after barely beating the Raiders and losing two key offensive linemen in the process, yet still coached by Norv Turner, will face a Ravens team that now has a multi dimensional offense? Gee, I wonder which way I’ll go.

Ravens over Chargers

Pittsburgh (1-0) at Chicago (0-1)

Hmmm, an easily rattled Cutler versus a Super Bowl winning defense….I wonder who will win? Oh like I ever debate a pick involving Pittsburgh.

Steelers over Bears

Cleveland (0-1) at Denver (1-0)

This game has ewww written all over it. I guess home field advantage may play into this somehow. No, the neck beard will.

Broncos over Browns

New York Giants (1-0) at Dallas (1-0)

How can Dallas lose with the big grand opening of their new, ultra fabulous stadium? Please, logic has no place with Jerry Jones involved.

Cowboys over Giants

Monday

Indianapolis (1-0) at Miami (0-1)

Yeah, I know, Peyton has but one reliable receiver. So what, the Dolphins may be reverting to 2007 form. Sorry Joey.

Colts over Dolphins

The Crystal Ball 2009 Week 1

Oh, it is but exquisite to be here once again. The taste we received Thursday not only was exquisite, but merely whetted the appetite for what is to come. The impending buffet of football that stands before us is succulent, appetizing and most of all, ready to open. Oops, excuse me, I started to salivate.


Opening Kickoff

After it took him a week to report, Richard Seymour insists he’s excited to be a Raider. Richard, its ok you don’t have to lie. No one is ever excited at that prospect.


The Steel Pit

Pittsburgh 13 – Tennessee 10 (OT)

Ok, so that’s a good start…EXCEPT for the fact the offense could do nothing most of the game, the defense looked pedestrian, and now Polamalu could be missing for as much as six weeks. Ugh. More on this next week when the thought of it doesn’t make me want to hurl.


Only In Faux NFL Reality…

Panther’s owner Jerry Richardson this off season let his two sons go from the team. Apparently their infighting was hurting the team and Richardson had enough and sent them packing. Something tells me this may not be a good season for Carolina fans. But hey, at least they’ll be one step closer to hiring Bill “I love all things Carolina now” Cowher.

Have you heard of the website runpee.com? Me either until recently but it’s rather brilliant. It tells you the best moments during movies to go to the bathroom, and fills you in on the plot parts you’ll have missed during that absence. Just a great idea, if you ask me who always gets the extra large Coke. You know who started this site? Jordan Palmer, brother of Carson and backup quarterback for the Bungles. Gee, I wonder why the Bungles are never successful when their players have this kind of time on their hands.

Ochocinco promises something good tweet wise for the NFL this weekend. That nimrod is going to tweet in game, I guarantee it. Either that or send text messages to the Jumbotron people during the game. Hey, at least it’s something interesting for Bungle fans, the action on the field certainly will not be.

Of the teams in fear of multiple blackouts due to unsold tickets on game day, the only one I laugh at is the Cowboys. Yes, the Cowboys who just opened their new $1.2 billion stadium may have some trouble selling out the stadium this season. Gee, I cannot figure out why. Could it be because they now have to sell over 100,000 tickets per game to sell out the new behemoth? Or perhaps the $75 parking fees are a deterrent. Perhaps it’s the idea of shelling out $60 for a pizza to enjoy during the game. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is simple. Jerry Jones selected the wrong time to open the new monument to him, I mean Cowboy football.

Bill “I think I’m a genius” Belichick traded DE Richard Seymour to the Raiders for a 2011 first round pick. Good trade by Belichick, since that pick will most likely be a top 5 pick. But what a crappy thing to do to one of your stalwart players and defensive leaders after all he’s done for the team. And reports said Seymour was none too happy about it, not that anyone would blame him. The worst part, from what I’ve heard, is Belichick didn’t even talk to Seymour about it, just sent him packing to football purgatory toot sweet. You know Bill; other players see that and wonder why they should work hard for you if that may be their ultimate reward. This will bite him on his cheating fanny, you watch.


The Merry Old Land of Oz

I’ve done a terrible thing. I’ve betrayed so many people. I’ve done something I swore I would never do, and chastised others for doing. I’ve….joined a fantasy football league! Yes, I know. I’ve made fun of it for years. I’ve pointed out how it bastardizes your fandom. How dumb it would be to root for a player on your fake team when said player is going against your real favorite team.

Well, I came to a conclusion that how can I make fun of something without really knowing what it’s all about? So after receiving an invitation from a friend to join his league, I relented and joined.

Mind you, I gave it some thought before joining, and had a big plan. I did not want to ever have any kind of questionable fan allegiances. So I mapped out a draft strategy that would allow me to only pick players from teams that did not play Pittsburgh. And then I promptly forgot all about the draft. It would seem my ambivalence continues unchecked.

But luckily I did end up, by fantasy standards, with a very good team. But already in week 1 I had to face a dilemma regarding fan loyalty. My team includes Titans RB Chris Johnson, who played against the Steelers. What did I do? I started Steelers RB Mewelde Moore instead. Yes I lost out on 4 points, and may lose against my “opponent” this week. But at least I can sleep tonight.

So I offer you, my reader(s), for this season a potential semi-regularly occurring feature when I bring up how well this experiment is going, how fun it may be or how colossally dumb it turns out. No matter what, by the end I’ll either have a new obsession/addiction or a ton of material to use for future jokes. So don’t hate on me too much for reversing course and attempting something goofy. Especially since so far, it has been kinda fun. Stay tuned.


Upon Further Review

The number one topic you will hear this season, short of growing anxiety toward the uncapped year of 2010, will be about the blackouts that will occur in multiple NFL markets due to teams unable to sell out games.

Currently, the NFL’s policy regarding ticket sales states that if a team fails to sell out a game, then local coverage is blacked out within a 90 mile radius of the team. This has made sense for years, and with a mere handful of cases, rarely happens. However, this year things will be different.

I have heard some talking heads point out that this could be a sign of flagging popularity in the NFL. I disagree. I believe this merely is a reflection of an expensive entertainment option coupled with trying economic times.

Right now, your average person is just getting by. Disposable income for most people is at a premium and many people want to maximize what little cash they can use for entertainment as much as possible. Unfortunately, that may exclude a trip to your local football cathedral.

Let’s face it, going to watch an NFL game in person is expensive. The tickets, even the cheap seats, are not that cheap even if you manage to purchase them directly from the team. If you have to find a seller after market, either someone selling on their own or through Stub Hub, Ticket Exchange or another broker that adds significant costs to the overall price. When you tally in costs for parking, concessions, souvenirs, fuel to and from the venue and potential before or after meals and drinks, suddenly just two people heading for the afternoon at the field can run hundreds of dollars and much more if you have a whole family attempting to go to a game. Who has that kind of cash lying around right now, or is willing to part with it not knowing what may come down the pike financially?

Because of people being more cautious with their extra cash, and the NFL being an expensive option for entertainment, people will limit the amount of times they attend games or opt to just stay home and watch games. It does not mean popularity is down, just the ability to enjoy games in person.

However, how the NFL handles the current fiscal realities of the majority of their fans will affect potential future popularity of the sport. Right now, Roger Goodell and company are walking a tight rope. Sure, they want to have fannies in the seats. It’s good for business and looks good to sponsors forking over big advertising dollars to see packed stadiums. Plus knowing that local markets are all seeing their products on commercial breaks makes those said sponsors feel much better about the big checks they write to get their commercials broadcast during games.

At the same time, the NFL does not want to relax their blackout policy in fear of setting a precedent in the future. As I see it, the fear is that if they make concessions, in the future some crappy team that has trouble selling tickets to a fan base tired of seeing the same inept management trotting out the same terrible product, this team will want blackouts lifted instead of investing in their team and product to entice fans to come out. Lions, Bungles, Browns and Raiders, I’m looking in your general direction.

Perhaps my assumption is wrong; I do not have inside information from the league offices to know anything for sure. But I do know this. The NFL should be smart enough to recognize what is going on in our world right now and give the proper concessions, if only temporarily, to help out the fans that have helped build the league’s popularity that may not be able to afford such luxuries as a day at the stadium.

I understand that big money moves the league now. But the reason that big money rolls in is because of the rabid fan bases that drive up ratings and gate attendance. If those things should wane, the money will disappear.

If the NFL starts alienating fan bases by allowing blackouts to stack up, even the most loyal of fans will begin questioning why they bother to support an entertainment venue that would look so coldly upon those who follow it. With DirecTV, local sports bars and internet options available to view any game, fans will eventually become less concerned with blackouts if they can find a more cost effective way to watch their favorite local team.

I urge commissioner Goodell to take all of these factors into account when looking ahead at the 2009 season and deciding how to operate the blackout policy. One alienated fan rapidly turns into two, which turns into four, which begins a snowball effect that is more difficult to stop once rolling than it is to take a slight short term hit. If you think I’m being overly dramatic Roger, just ask Major League Baseball how fast popularity can disappear.


Super Bust Watch

Yes, at the start of another glorious season, we begin once again our watch to see who this year will play in this glorious game. The Super Bust is a concept created to help fill the non football void during the week between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl. Granted the NFL now fills that void with the Pro Bowl, but if you ask me the Super Bust is better. This game would pit the two preseason Super Bowl favorites that did not make the big game against each other the weekend before the NFL Championship. Brilliant in its simplicity, the Super Bust allows fans to have one more weekend of football, and show everyone that picking Super Bowl teams before the season begins is merely an exercise in futility. The Super Bust would have a permanent home in Las Vegas, allowing many fans who cannot afford a nice vacation for the Super Bowl or Pro Bowl a chance to get out and shake off the winter doldrums somewhere warm and fun. The list of benefits is never ending. These represent merely the tip of the iceberg of what The Super Bust could provide.

- A chance for two fan bases to see their team in action one more time before next season
- An added opportunity for one team to end their season with a win.
- Some extra earnings for players
- A chance for each organization to strengthen their team monetarily and physically with added income as well as additional draft choices
- An opportunity to show how futile picking Super Bowl winners before the season really is
- An extra football game when we really need one
- A weekend of football and fun in Las Vegas
- A perfect excuse to go to Las Vegas (like you need one anyway)
- An excuse to have another big game party, this one where the game really does not matter
- A chance to use the game as a warm up to your real party the next week for the Super Bowl. Try out those far out recipes you think may not work on the real game day. Almost like a Party Pre Season.
- Staving off football withdraw for another two weeks
- Another game for the NFL Network to air, giving more practice to both their broadcast crews and technical crews as well as increasing demand for the network itself
- Something for the sports media to talk about during the dead time when all other Super Bowl stories and angles have been beaten to death
- food and service industries seeing a bigger bump in production and sales, thus adding more stimulus to the economy
- Businesses around the world that have a stake in football seeing an increased profit, adding even more stimulus to the economy
- The advertising industry having another forum to debut killer commercials, almost like an exhibition commercial season
- Better play from the preseason favorites during the regular season, since none of them would want to play in the Super Bust

Once again, Roger Goodell is too busy to address the creation of this wonderful match up. I guess prepping for his big mountain climb with Jim Mora Jr. kept him too occupied this summer. I’m sure he’d have some flaky reasoning like its wrong to embarrass the sportswriters who help promote and report on the games or that it would be an insult to the teams represented. The truth is, he knows it’s a brilliant idea and just hates the fact his office did not generate such a marketing coup. Regardless, we move forward.

So, after an exhaustive search of online predictions, television shows, talking heads and general know it alls, I have discovered the prohibitive favorites according to the media for each conference. They are:

AFC Representative: The New England Patriots

Yes, by just adding Tom Brady, despite the fact no one knows how well his knee is and that he may have a crunched shoulder thanks to a preseason hit by Albert Haynesworth, the Patriots are poised to win it all. Never mind they have lost all their defensive leaders, or that Pittsburgh’s defense may actually be better than last year. Nope, the favorites are the Patriots. Actually, from my tallies they were tied with San Diego, although I did not get EVERYBODY, but I give the edge to New England because, well, at least they have won a Super Bowl.

Alternate – The San Diego Chargers


NFC Representative: The New York Giants

No deep threat receiver has emerged, no problem for the G-men. It would seem in general people love the idea of what the team can do not only in the supposedly tough NFC East, but in the league as a whole. Perhaps they can, who knows. But it would seem people think a rematch of Super Bowl 42 will take place this February.

Alternate – The Philadelphia Eagles


Idiot of the week

For our opening week of the season, I would like to bestow this award on NFL writer, and favorite target, Peter King.

Did King do anything this week to distinguish himself? No. This is more of a cumulative award for plenty of off season nonsense.

I think the biggest thing that has led to this award for King is that in his writing, he seems to insinuate himself into the story to the point where he writes as though the snippet of information would be far less interesting if he were not involved.

Now, I know all three of you out there would say what? You put yourself into everything you write. As a matter of fact, you use I more often than an optometrist; and you would be correct. Disturbingly correct after I wrote the stupid section above regarding my fantasy team which only emphasizes your point. But I know what happens in the NFL has nothing to do with me. With King, I am beginning to believe that he writes as though he really believes his readers give two toots about what him. I could care less that he has three columns a week now. Or how about the fact that he works for NBC and watches football all Sunday in their “bat cave”. Or about his weekly radio show on Sirius radio. Or that he moved to Boston this year. Peter, just use your extensive network of contacts to give me the latest and greatest NFL news. But he seems to think anyone reading his columns care immensely about everything in his world.

And speaking of Boston, it bugs me that he just cannot come out and admit that he’s an unabashed Patriots fan. It seems to me like he wants us to believe that he’s an unbiased journalist, but you can tell that he just loves the Pats, and is afraid to show it. Do you want proof?

Ok, that brings us to my other point that bugs me, his Super Bowl picks for this season. He picked the Bears for the NFC because of his burgeoning man crush on Jay Cutler (and I’m sure that it was hard to finally “break up” with Brett but I give him credit for doing so.) Peter, I do not care one iota about Cutler’s potential; he has DONE NOTHING so far. He has a losing record as a starter, and has shown extremely poor leadership skills and now is saddled with a team with an aging defense and questionable receiving corps. You really think that will be the best of the NFC?

But predictably, his Super Bowl champion for 2009 will be the New England Patriots. Why? Oh because he loves them. Never mind the fact that no one knows whether or not Brady will be effective, if Belichick will operate rationally without Pioli, or the fact that the defense now has exactly zero leaders on the field, and they have yet another new offensive coordinator. Nope, they’ll win it all. Please, Peter, I beg you just admit you are Patriots biased. I’d respect you so much more for just admitting to your Patriot love.

But perhaps the worst is his awful obsession with Twitter. He has been part of a panel of several tweet ups, when big Twitter users host a forum for fans. I think everything was said when he reported that at one of these, only six fans showed up. But what really bothered me was when he justified breaking a story over Twitter as opposed to putting the information out through his employer, Sports Illustrated. His lame justification was that if he called the story in, it would take 20 minutes to get it online. But if he twitted it (I refuse to call it tweeted, if you use Twitter, you are twitting, not tweeting), the story would be out immediately and that would reflect well on SI indirectly since he would get the scoop and people know he works for them.

That is a lame, sad and pathetic justification Peter. You wanted the scoop so you could have it. If you gave a damn about SI, you would have gone through the online channels or had a SI Twitter account or ready made blog set up for just such an occurrence. You did not care about SI getting the story at all, you cared about YOU getting the scoop and found a way to justify it in your own mind to ignore the fact that you went for glory and ignored the people who fund your ability to watch and comment on the NFL for a living.

So for all of these factors, and your exponentially growing ego, Peter King you are an idiot.

Although in all fairness, all the work you have done for Dr. Z and his rehabilitation has been exemplary and I thank you for your efforts and updates. So, you earn a Get out of Idiot card for later in the season.


On Tap This Week

Well, before week 1 has really begun, we’ve already mucked things up no?

Thursday 1-0
Season to Date 1-0

At least the loss column is still pristine. Shall we see if that streak can continue?


Sunday

Miami (0-0) at Atlanta (0-0)

Sophomore phemon versus Wildcat, who wins? It’s week one, in tough calls I go with the home team. It’s one of the occasions where the home crowd can make a difference. Unless the home team is highly overrated, in which case I’m screwed no matter what.

Falcons over Dolphins

Denver (0-0) at Cincinnati (0-0)

Ewww, what a pu pu platter. Ok you will rarely see this but considering the McDaniels experiment thus far, here we go.

Bungles over Broncos

Minnesota (0-0) at Cleveland (0-0)

Seriously Mangenius? Not telling anyone who the starter is until game time? Apparently, he mastered the art of douchebaggery from Belichick. He states it’s a competitive advantage. Exactly how so? Cleveland sucks, no offense Drew Carey, like the Vikings are scared of either quarterback.

Vikings over Browns

Jacksonville (0-0) at Indianapolis (0-0)

Make or break for Del Rio, against the revamped Colts, I say it’s the first step toward break.

Colts over Jaguars

Detroit (0-0) at New Orleans (0-0)

I think eventually, the long suffering Lions fans will experience the joy of a win. But not this week against the Saints and that potentially wicked offense.

Saints over Lions

Dallas (0-0) at Tampa Bay (0-0)

Oh, I have no delusions that without TO, all the Cowboy problems have been solved. But I believe stronger that Tampa Bay is a larger mess than people realize.

Cowboys over Buccaneers

Philadelphia (0-0) at Carolina (0-0)

We see the first of two weeks of Philadelphia football that consist of relative peace. When Vick’s suspension ends, so will that calm. For the time being success for the Birds against the rapidly dysfunctioning Panthers.

Eagles over Panthers

Kansas City (0-0) at Baltimore (0-0)

Let’s see, a rebuilding KC team on the road with a new, and gimpy, quarterback without an offensive coordinator against one of the fiercest defenses in the NFL. Hmmm I wonder who may win….

Ravens over Chiefs

New York Jets (0-0) at Houston (0-0)

Another questionable call. The Jets may be on the mend with a tough, energetic new coach, but they are starting a rookie quarterback on the road against a team many think will finally make the leap this year. I wonder if Houston will make that leap, but at the very least, they’ll get the best of Matt Sanchez. Welcome to the NFL, rookie.

Texans over Jets

Washington (0-0) at New York Giants (0-0)

Considering the confidence Washington management showed in Jason Campbell during their aborted chase of Jay Cutler, why should I display more?

Giants over Redskins

San Francisco (0-0) at Arizona (0-0)

Yeah, Arizona’s preseason looked bad. But remember last year the Lions went 4-0 in preseason play.

Cardinals over 49ers

St. Louis (0-0) at Seattle (0-0)

Ummm, well Seattle does have Hasselbeck and now features T.J. Houshmandzadeh. So that’s something, right?

Seahawks over Rams

Chicago (0-0) at Green Bay (0-0)

I’m not buying the suddenly potent Bears with Cutler. I think Aaron Rodgers and the revamped Green Bay defense will be far more potent.

Packers over Bears


Monday

Buffalo (0-0) at New England (0-0)

Ugh, I hate to do this but Buffalo’s offensive line looks shaky at best.

Patriots over Bills

San Diego (0-0) at Oakland (0-0)

For the one game no one will watch, including most self described Charger fans. Wait, that’s wrong. Prisons across America will tune in for this crap fest.

Chargers over Raiders

The Crystal Ball 2009 Week 1 Coin Toss

The full blown week 1 version of the Crystal Ball will be out by Sunday kickoff time. I’m still trying to get into a new rhythm for this season, and already these short weeks are messing with my mind. However, considering the season actually starts tonight, perhaps a small taste is in order followed by the pick for tonight’s game. Anyone want to wager on who I think will win this evening in Pittsburgh?


The Steel Pit

Last evening I enjoyed the latest episode of my favorite TV series, America’s Game. Ok, I’ll be honest I’ve been waiting since February 2nd to watch this episode. And personally, it was worth the wait. Fantastic episode that featured Mike Tomlin, Troy Polamalu and Ben Roethlisberger talking about their adventurous and successful 2008 season.

A few things I took away from the program:

Troy Polamalu is, in my opinion, a genuinely nice, good and just well centered human being. We as a society should strive to be that kind of person. And perhaps it’s because of the person he is that he has been able to be so successful. Maybe if we were all more like that, we would all be more successful in many ways. Of course, if my observation is correct, Troy would humbly shrug off such compliments and say something like, I am just trying to do my best at living life.

Mike Tomlin is a no nonsense guy who is always prepared and remains calm no matter the situation. I think he will not be content as a head coach until he has a ring for every finger. He seems driven and motivated and wants to have those around who are the same. Plus, he’s got a pretty good sense of humor. Definitely the kind of guy I’d like to have a beer with and chew the fat.

Ben Roethlisberger is, well, Ben is Ben. Ok, yeah I still think he’s kind of a douche bag, but in a weird self effacing way. It’s like he recognizes it and just rolls with it in the same way William Shatner recognized he was the butt of jokes for his over acting, embraced it and turned it into a second career. But hey, I could be way off. Maybe at home with close friends he’s shy and introverted and writes poetry. Nah that would be what Troy does at home.

One other note I would like to share that I found immensely interesting. Tonight, when the Steeler offense takes the field, Pittsburgh will start two Super Bowl MVPs at wide receiver in Hines Ward and newly minted MVP Santonio Holmes. This will be the first time in the history of the NFL that this occurrence has happened.

Now, of all Super Bowl MVPs in history, there are only six wide receivers that have been thus honored. When you take into account the acrobatic Lynn Swann that means three of the six wide receiver MVPs in history have been Pittsburgh Steelers. Let me point that out again. Half of all six wide receivers that have won the Super Bowl MVP have been Steelers. You know, the Steelers, the team that lives and dies by the power running game? Half of their MVPs have been receivers. Is it just me or does that just boggle the mind?


He Said He Said

“If it happens to be there, I'm going to stomp all over that, man.'' - Titan running back LenDale White when asked if he would stomp on the Terrible Towel again.

Some guys just never learn, do they? LenDale, even if you win tonight, you’re setting yourself up for some bad mojo.

“What makes teams great, what makes games great? It's these opportunities that seldomly come, in the huge stage of the AFC championship game, and they have a rookie quarterback and they have a rookie coach on the sideline, and you're thinking, 'What a great time for them to come back and kick a field goal and beat their rivals that they've just lost [to] twice.' All these things are running through your head. That would be a great story for them.”

"But it didn't happen that way." – Steelers safety Troy Polamalu during America’s Game.

This is why you love Troy. When he said this, referring to the Ravens, he seemed happy and excited about the prospect of the potential story line for Baltimore. But when he delivered that last line, he seemed genuinely sad that they did not get that great story. Even though it meant he got to write another chapter in his amazing story, he felt bad they did not. I hope one day I can be half the man he is today.

“There are 31 teams that are America’s team, and 1 team that’s the worlds team. The Pittsburgh Steelers.” – Steelers legend Franco Harris on the NFL Network pregame show when asked who the true America’s team is, Steelers or Cowboys.

Wow, that certainly sums it up for me. Just call it, the Immaculate Sound Bite. Choke on that Cowboy fans.


On Tap This Week

As always, we shall make the quixotic attempt at predicting wins. There is no point spreads to consider or final scores to try to calculate. Just a simple, old fashioned who’s gonna knock the slobber out of each other, which is appropriate for tonight’s game. Before we begin, let us reset our counters from the previous season.

Last week 0-0
Season to Date 0-0

Does that record not look wondrous? So beautiful and pristine like the dawn breaking on a crisp winter morning after a snow fall. But like any fresh winter morning, the real fun is when you traipse through that snow, sled ride, snowball fight, build snowmen and generally muck up the landscape. So let’s muck it up.

Thursday

Tennessee (0-0) at Pittsburgh (0-0)

What is there to say about tonight’s game? The Titans thought they were on their way to the Super Bowl, but never got there. Now they have to watch the Steelers celebrate the trophy they thought they should have won. You think that sits well with them? As for the Steelers, they want to have a better title defense this time around than in 2006, and they will be out to set the tone from the get go of the season. Plus, the Terrible Towel will enact its magical power to get revenge for the desecration by the Titans last season. With that in mind….

Steelers over Titans

The Crystal Ball 2009 Opening Stanza

Hark, what do my tired ears hear? Is that the sound of angels singing? What do my bleary eyes see? Are those people rejoicing in the streets? Why is the world surrounded by an envelope of unbridled happiness and joy?

Because the NFL has returned to us! Yes, after another long off season filled with baseball nonsense, political infighting and economic stagnation, the football world joyously returns to us to wash away our ills and bring smiles to children of all ages.

Ok, before you start in, yes, I know I have been noticeably absent as of late. So allow me to answer the question all of you have; just where the deuce have you been?

As you can imagine, I became a bit distracted after my last post. Watching the Steelers win the Super Bowl, while living in Pittsburgh, was beyond exciting. So that first week afterward was pretty much filled with parades, trophies and walking on a cloud that everyone around me seemed to share. It was manna from heaven.

After that, I luckily started an exciting new gig with some wonderful opportunities to learn and grow. It took me a few months to get my feet wet so that takes us to the end of April. I figured here’s a good time to put a nice bow on the season. Except, well, the Penguins captured my attention and held it firmly until they hoisted the Stanley Cup in mid June. So I walked around in championship euphoria, again, and watched another parade and trophy hoisting, again. Yes, the City of Champions is nothing but parades and trophies, unless you factor in the Pirates and right now, no one does.

So being mid June and considering how much had happened since the end of the season, I figured I would just wait until now when the cusp of good times is upon us. In the meantime, I visited some friends, went to the ballpark, explored the Burgh and hung out with the family. Not bad for a summer vacation, right?

I know, who cares let’s get to the good stuff! I could not agree more! The teams are back and gearing for the opener next week, and so am I. And I’m ready to provide you with the same half baked concepts, poor research, and less than wise acre commentary you’ve come to expect from such a quality product as this. And to start off with just such a concept, we’ll dive in this week by taking at look at how all 32 teams spent their off season with a little idea I like to call…


My Summer Vacation

Before you get scared I’ve gone off the deep end and plan an extensive report of everything that has happened to each team since February 1st, well obviously this is your first time here and welcome new friend. Nope, just the big stuff, stupid stuff or laugh your head off stuff applies here.


Buffalo Bills

In a bold move to gain offensive weaponry and potency, as well as bringing media attention and relevancy to little Buffalo, the Bills have booked the TO Show for a one season engagement. I actually love this move; the Bills needed something to get some attention in the press hogging AFC East. But I ask only one question. With an average quarterback, and an influx running game operating behind a rebuilt, and poorly operating, offensive line, how long before TO the great Season One teammate becomes TO the Season Two pain in the tuckus? I say by week 9. Wait, change that. Now that they fired their offensive coordinator, who then shot back that head coach Dick Jauron wanted him to run a “Pop” Warner offense, I say TO becomes a pain by week 7.


Miami Dolphins

Yeah yeah yeah, so what they have Jason Taylor back in the fold. Who cares about their division win last season? And Pat White potentially making the Wildcat offense lethal? Not interested. What fascinates me are all the celebrities that now own a piece of the Dolphins. With the Williams sisters, Jimmy Buffett and Gloria Estefan now minority owners of the team, it would be worth it just for the star sightings and built in half time entertainment! Wasting away again in Miami Dolphin Ville…


New England Patriots

Oh glory be! Tom Terrific has returned! Now the NFL world can once again resume spinning. Everything that happened since September 2008 means nothing because Tom was not here! Yeesh.

Ok, so the Pats are already favored to win it all, because Brady’s back, right? Let’s just ignore the fact that he hasn’t seen real game action in a year. The defense now has no real leadership since the losses of Mike Vrabel (traded), Richard Seymour (traded) Tedy Bruschi (retired) or Rodney Harrison (retired). And without Scott Pioli, Belichick has no one to keep him in check. Yup, sounds like a Super Bowl winning combination to me.

In other news, have you seen that Tom Brady now has his own logo? No wonder he’s photographed wearing what looks like tiny hats. The hats are not small; his head is just that big.


New York Jets

So the Jets get wise and fire Eric Mangenius. Then they made a decent move hiring Rex Ryan, who imported Bart Scott to lead his new defense. Which I love having those two out of the AFC North. But then they draft Matt Sanchez as their new savior at quarterback? I hate to break the news to Woody Johnson, but USC quarterbacks have not had the best track record in the NFL over the past few years, and yes I am including Carson “wow that hurts” Palmer and Matt “potential one year wonder” Cassel. The search for the new Namath continues…


Baltimore Ravens

Have the Ravens spent their off season trying to figure out why they couldn’t beat Pittsburgh in three tries last year? No. Have they made marked improvements to coaching, staff, schemes or personnel to make this happen? No. They spent their off season coming up with “clever” t-shirts expressing their disdain for Pittsburgh. Hey Suggs, the feeling is mutual. I wonder how much you’ll hate Pittsburgh without Bart Scott to help bail out Ray Ray.


Cincinnati Bengals

Everything you need to know about the Bungles can be summed up in two snippets. One, their high priced number one draft pick Andre Smith held out the entire camp to finally sign two weeks before the season, and promptly breaks his foot. And two, they allowed T.J. Houshmandzadeh to walk away in free agency, but spent big bucks resigning their punter. What more do you need to say regarding the direction of this franchise?

One other note: I dug Chad Ochocinco converting a PAT, but I’m disturbed by his Twitter addiction. Peter King of SI.com figured since April he’s averaging 63 posts a day. A DAY! Perhaps he needs an intervention.


Cleveland Browns

Ok, so they got wise and fired Romeo Crennel. But then they brain farted and hired Eric Mangenius. Then they got rid of Kellen Winslow, not a bad idea, but after Donte Stallworth decided while drunk and high it was ok to drive, that left them with Braylon Edwards as their only top flight receiver. If you can count a player who drops passes at the rate Edwards does as top flight. Honestly, I feel bad for Browns fans, I really do.


Pittsburgh Steelers

Gee, what could I possibly say about the whirlwind of an off season that took place for the 2008 champion Steelers?

Jeff Reed’s adventures with college chicks and paper towel dispensers?
Big Ben’s shocking civil lawsuit, that looks less realistic by the day?
The training camp rumors of the team signing Michael Vick?
Steeler great Rod Woodson’s induction into the Hall of Fame?
The campaign to induct Dick LeBeau into the Hall of Fame?
The finalization of the sale of the team to Dan Rooney’s newly formed ownership group?
Dan Rooney being named ambassador to Ireland?

So many different things could have defined the Steeler off season. But I believe their vacation can be summed up in one word.

Six.


Houston Texans

For the seemingly umpteenth year in a row, this is the year they make the leap! Except this year, we mean it! Yeah, ok. Wake me up if they are threatening to finish 9-7.


Indianapolis Colts

New head coach, new coordinators, and old coordinators, new receivers and a new defensive scheme. That’s a bunch of new for one team. How will Peyton cope with such unprecedented change? The same way he always does, with new commercials!


Jacksonville Jaguars

The team stocked up on tackles, but will that help Garrard throw better? With dwindling attendance in a small market and a backward moving trend, I imagine after this season either Del Rio will be fired or the team moved to Los Angeles. And considering the quagmire created by the potential areas in LA to host a team caused by their infighting, I’m betting on ol’ Jack hitting the unemployment line in January.


Tennessee Titans

LenDale White announced he dropped 30 pounds in the off season by cutting tequila out of his diet. Now that’s commitment baby! If it were just the tequila, how much was he putting away? But something tells me it’s the elimination of the after party trips to Taco Bell that really made the difference.


Denver Broncos

Honestly, what can you say about the Broncos? They alienate their starting quarterback; of course they do it while trying to acquire another one. Then bungle the make up process and end up shipping him away. After that they alienate their star receiver, who is now benched for acting like a two year old. All the while Josh McDaniels shows he has the acumen of a 15 year old playing Madden for the first time at running a football team. With the mess McDaniels has made, and continues to make, Denver may qualify for a superfund cleanup.


Kansas City Chiefs

Speaking of messes, your 2009 Kansas City Chiefs! So the Chiefs get hot new head coach Todd Haley, who with hot new general manager Scott Pioli gets hot new quarterback Matt Cassel. Sounds good, right? Except most of the team is under experienced or less than top tier talent, Cassel has already been injured and now right before the season Haley fired the offensive coordinator. If Pioli is going to turn KC into Patriots West, he’ll need a bit more going on. Perhaps, say, some old home movies from his ex-partner?


Oakland Raiders

So, the Raiders sign Jeff Garcia to push Russell, and then cut him at the end of training camp. Good plan. They throw wacky money at their first round pick, who will never amount to anything because A) Russell sucks and B) he now plays for the Raiders. On top of that, they trade a first round pick, most likely to be high and a commodity they desperately need, for a one year flyer on a player who has yet to even report to the team!

But the true icing on the cake is, of course, the reports that new head coach Tom Cable punched now former secondary coach Randy Hanson and broke his jaw. At last report, authorities and the NFL were investigating.

I wish I could make up stuff this funny, but without the sad and pathetic undertones.

It must be horrible to be a fan of such a poorly run organization. Then again, most Raider fans are probably more concerned with making bail anyway.


San Diego Chargers

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009 AFC West Champion San Diego Chargers. I know, you’re thinking how is this possible with Norv Turner is still prominently involved. Have you seen the rest of this division? Woof.


Dallas Cowboys

Tony Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson, but all is right in the Cowboy Land. TO is gone, and with him all the Cowboys problems. We might as well give them the Lombardi trophy right now. Without TO, nothing can hold them back. Never mind they have no clear number one receiver, or a head coach who cannot control the troops, or an overly meddlesome owner who has shown an adept inability to build a championship program himself, or an offensive coordinator who is way overpaid for his talent, or the usual December swain. Nope, no TO equals championship!

Plus, with such a snazzy new stadium, they have to win, right? Wait don’t tell me there is already something wrong with monument to the ego of Jerry Jones? That cannot be! I find it immensely amusing that Jones spent $1.2 billion on a cathedral of hubris, and within one preseason game, his centerpiece, the giganto scoreboard over the field, is already causing problems by being low enough for punters to hit it. Jerry, go have some more Botox and try to realize your ego may be huge, but it gives you no ability to successfully run a football team, please?


New York Giants

Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to being an idiot and shooting himself, and looks to be in the pokey for 2 years. Now the Giants are regrouping and hoping to find a new downfield threat, but so far no one has really distinguished themselves and with the deluge of receivers they do have, Super Bowl hero David Tyree has found himself trying to get a job with the Ravens. At least Eli has those sweet Oreo commercials with Peyton.


Philadelphia Eagles

Gee, what have the Eagles been up to with their summer vacation? Well, they let go of longtime Eagles Brian Dawkins, Tra Thomas and John Runyon. They brought in new tackles and reworked their offensive line. But that’s not what everyone will remember from their summer of 2009. No, everyone will remember they signed Michael Vick. Heck, Andy Reid could have danced the Watusi on the Schuylkill in a tutu and it would have barely registered a blip on the NFL radar.


Washington Redskins

Dan Snyder’s deep pockets struck again by having a spending spree and putting a fat contract in front of DT Albert Haynesworth. Yeah that’ll push you over the top, an injury prone defensive lineman that always comes off the field on passing downs. You figured out the missing piece Dan! Do you ever wonder if Dan and Jerry Jones have a running bet to see who can spend the most yet still be the most incompetent? I do, but I’ll be darned if I could pick a clear winner.


Chicago Bears

Gee, what did the Bears do? Oh yeah, they acquired “franchise” quarterback Jay “Pampers” Cutler. So what? What has he done? His record as a starter is 17-20. He has yet to win a playoff game, let alone appear in one. When he was in control of a playoff caliber team, he promptly drove them into the ground and out of contention. And don't give me the tired line that he hasn’t had a good defense with which to play. Well, a better quarterback wouldn't fumble the ball trying to throw it WITH NO ONE TOUCHING HIM. Win games, not make excuses.

I hear repeatedly that he’s a franchise quarterback, but here’s what I see. A petulant man-child, who will not inspire those to follow thanks to his track record of giving up when the going gets tough. Now he is saddled with the expectation as a franchise quarterback for a team who has not had anything resembling such in 20 years and is expected to go take them to, at the minimum, the playoffs. Yet this team now consists of an aging defense, porous secondary, questionable receivers and a left tackle whose prime was many moons ago. As a matter of fact, I will tell you right now, Orlando Pace cannot keep up with smaller, faster defensive ends and linebackers, and that lost ability will cause Cutler much pain, and Bears fans much gnashing of teeth. I see another losing record in Cutler’s near future.


Detroit Lions

Ok guys, you have a new coach, new players, a fresh outlook and perspective and two time Super Bowl champion LB Larry Foote anchoring your defense. All you have to do is win one, lousy, game. Hey, that's all the Redwings needed to do as well and failed! Awww, too soon???

The Lions also unveiled, as part of their turning around process I suppose, a new, fiercer looking lion logo. I know you want to scoff at such a ridiculous move when they have so many other problems, but don’t laugh. The Cardinals did the exact same thing a few years ago and look what happened to them.


Green Bay Packers

A new defensive scheme, healthy players, a wickedly good preseason thus far and a year removed from starring in As The Favre Turns. In a division where every other team has been making some huge headlines, Green Bay has quietly set themselves up as a viable threat to win the division. That is, of course, if they do not get derailed by their two guest spots this season in the Favre circus.


Minnesota Vikings

Now starring in As The Favre Turns, the 2009 Minnesota Vikings! Gee, where do we start? Let’s start with the ridiculous Brad Childress who, with the ink still wet on his pact with the devil, chauffeured Brett from the airport to camp. And what’s with Childress’ beard? Is he trying to look all manly like Brett? And Brad, one key piece of advice; do NOT put your 40 year old starting quarterback at wide receiver and send him up the field to block. Bad things will happen. I’m surprised I had to say that.

You know, Brett Favre returning yet again is like a WWE storyline. Wait, that works. Think about it, Favre is Hulk Hogan.

Both are old and graying, have obviously lost a step but cover it up with a few electrifying performances thrown in now and again.

Both are real American heroes loved by all until they turned bad. In Hogan’s case he became bad by joining the NWO. In Favre’s case by throwing away good will by constantly waffling regarding retirement and then tearing out the hearts of the Packer faithful by signing with Minnesota.

The only way at this point his saga could really entertain me is if during his already hyped return to Lambeau Field, Favre comes out of the tunnel, rips off his Viking jersey to reveal a green and gold Packers number 4 jersey and then trots triumphantly to the home sideline. But of course, if this were a true WWE storyline, Aaron Rodgers would then coldcock Favre.

Does anyone remember last year, when I predicted the Favre led Jets wouldn’t win the Super Bowl, or even go to the playoffs? I do. Hey Viking fans, I have bad news for you. Despite all the talk and predictions, you will not win the Super Bowl, and will be lucky to make the playoffs. Starring in As The Favre Turns only assures us of the following: Another Favre hot streak followed by a late season swoon when he inevitably tires out, another coach fired and rightfully so, another teary retirement in March followed by yet another team courting him and eventually capitulating to his ridiculous media starved demands. And then mercifully, we’ll be one year closer to Favre’s inevitable signing with the Raiders.

Hey commissioner Goodell, can we get a provision in the new CBA about the number of times a player is allowed to retire, waffle for a few months and then unretire?


Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons have been remarkably quiet this off season. No major player arrests or suspensions, no coaches giving up, nothing. How boring. They did add TE Tony Gonzalez to the mix, and I bet are rubbing some rabbit’s feet in hopes to have Matt Ryan avoid a sophomore slump.


Carolina Panthers

Ok, so who knows how effective Jake Delhomme will be, although thus far the Panther offense seems to be more of a kitten than a big cat. And owner Jerry Richardson fired both of his sons from the team, because he felt their fighting amongst each other was detrimental to the team. Something tells me the Panthers will not be the NFC representative in the Super Bust, or Bowl, this year.


New Orleans Saints

I know its preseason, but after watching their offense destroy the Raiders, I was impressed. Now, if they’re defense could just be average, I think the Saints would be a terror. Perhaps new defensive coordinator Gregg Williams will be just the man to put that final piece of the puzzle in place.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers

They cleared out almost all of the defensive veterans that have led the team over the years, including much loved Derrick Brooks. They imported oft injured and potential pain in the rump Kellen Winslow. They had an opportunity to utilize an amazing amount of cap room, but didn’t bother going after potential free agents that really could have made an impact. And now after firing their offensive coordinator less than two weeks before the season starts, I really believe that new head coach Raheem Morris should send a thank you note and gift basket to Josh McDaniels for screwing up Denver so badly it distracted everyone from the impending mess that will be the 2009 Buccaneers.


Arizona Cardinals

Boy, the Steelers West had a magical 2008 season. But they found out that no matter how good you are, you just can’t beat the original. Arizona celebrated the greatest season in franchise history by watching their offensive coordinator leave to become the new Kansas City head coach and by firing their defensive coordinator. Good times. But at least they have Brian St. Pierre as their third string quarterback, so let the good times roll.


St. Louis Rams

What can you say about the Rams? A new coach and a new attitude, yet the mess that was the team the past few years will not be cleaned up with a fresh start and a magic eraser. I imagine they’ll probably stink. Their atrocious season last year mercifully flew under the radar thanks to Detroit. This year, it will probably be overshadowed by the Raiders.


San Francisco 49ers

Ok, I love Mike Singletary and his old school style, but without a decent quarterback, and actually not much more than Frank Gore, what does he really have to work with? I’d say Michael Crabtree, but he ain’t playing till he gets PAID! What a twit.


Seattle Seahawks

The transition of power from Holmgren to Jim Mora Jr. was successfully completed. They have a healthy Matt Hasselbeck back as well as a healthier receiving corps, boosted by the addition of T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Their division is, well questionable at best. Perhaps the Seahawks can put together a playoff run. Wait, Jim’s dad wants to add something about Seattle’s chances. Sorry Joel McHale.


Idiot of the Off Season

Well, we could go through a long list of people who have put up compelling arguments all off season to garner this prestigious award. But why bother? I don’t waffle when I’ve made up my mind.

For obvious reasons, our inaugural winner for the 2009 season is Brett Favre. For being ridiculously indecisive when he knows what he wants all along. For basking constantly in the media spotlight all while feigning to hate the attention. For continuing to play this aw shucks persona when he is truly a shrewd operator. And for forcing us to suffer yet another summer of As The Favre Turns, the soon to be running longest soap opera of all time. Seriously, he really does make the NFL world revolve around him, and we call TO the egomaniac?

Brett, you are an idiot.

Coming This Week: Our full tilt blast into the NFL calendar as the season kicks off in Pittsburgh!